Supernatural Meets Sue pernatural
by rebeldesigns
Summary: Sam, Dean, and the gang stumble across a Mary Sue fanfic of epic proportions and must deal with the consequences. Hilarity and parody are quick to follow! WARNING: Contains 10 Winchester breakdowns, 5 temper tantrums, and 17 eye-scarring sex scenes.
1. Welcome to Hell, Boys

**Supernatural Meets Sue-pernatural**:

A Mary-Sue Parody by Cassie Winchester

**Summary:** Sam and Dean stumble across a dark object, a strange thing called –gasp!– fanfiction! They realize that the only way for them to end the horror that is fanon they must finish reading the _entire_ story. They are helped through their plight by various other characters on the show. Set post-All Hell Breaks Loose.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Supernatural. Don't own Sam or –sobs– Dean. I do own, unfortunately, all the OCs and Mary Sues, including deansmyhunkyxo19 and Roxanne. By the way, all the A/N you see throughout the text are, in fact, deansmyhunkyxo19's and **not** mine. You will see my Author's Note, **bolded,** at the end of the story.

This fic is inspired in part by _Why Canon and Fanon Don't Mix_ by alsdssg, which was subsequently based off of _Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around_ by crazyroninchic. My complements to these two fine authors, and the hopes that they won't be angry that I've taken an idea from their book. Cheers.

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**Chapter One: Welcome to Hell, Boys**

Sam woke with a start. Something was vibrating in his jeans pocket. Reaching slowly down, not even bothering to open his eyes, he extricated his cell phone. The front screen read: **Bobby.** Sam groaned and flipped the phone open. "Hello?" he said, voice hoarse, trying not to wake Dean.

"Sam? Is that you?" Bobby's voice sounded tinny, most likely a product of bad reception.

Sam turned over, glancing at the motel's illuminated alarm clock that sat on the nightstand between his bed and Dean's. "Bobby, it's 5:30 in the morning," Sam complained, running a hand over his face and attempting to sit up.

"Yeah," Bobby's gruff voice sounded impatient. "But this is important. I've found something that you boys should take a look at." Sam knew that Bobby was not one to yank their chain; when something was important, he said so.

"Oh, okay," Sam said, almost wide awake now. Across from him, Dean grunted and turned over on his bed. Sam lowered his voice. "Do you—d'you want to come over _now,_ though?" He paused, listening, then nodded at something Bobby said. "Yeah, alright, I'll give you the address. We're staying at the Republic Inn in Deepwater, Missouri. Got that? Okay, and we're room number twelve."

"Thanks, Sam," Bobby sounded relieved. "I'll see you in a bit." He hung up.

Sam tossed his phone on the nightstand and lay down on his back, staring at the water-stained motel ceiling and thinking. Whatever Bobby had to say, or show them, must have been top-priority, else why would he want to see them face-to-face, instead of telling them on the phone? But his mind was already slowing down, and as Sam's eyes fluttered closed he pondered no more.

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Boom, boom, boom! Sharp raps on the metal door of the motel startled Sam from his nightmarish dreams. It was considerably lighter in the room since last he had been awake; the alarm clock now read 10:34. Boom, boom, boom! The fist knocked on the door in rapid succession, and Sam shot out of bed. He stumbled over Dean's boots, which he _always_ left lying around. He limped over to the door, cursing.

Sam peered through the peephole before unchaining the door to admit their guest. A wide smile lit up his face. "Bobby," he said, and hugged the man. Bobby Singer was like a second father to Sam and Dean, and they had grown even closer since that incident in the graveyard with the Yellow-Eyed Demon. He seemed tired, older than Sam had last seen him, with his trademark scraggly beard and a traveling back slung over his shoulder.

Welcoming Bobby into the small, rather unventilated room, Sam threw one of Dean's offending boots at his brother's prone form. "Dean! Wake up!" Dean grunted as the shoe hit him right on his thick skull.

"Dammit, Sam!" Dean cursed as he sat up grumpily. His short hair was slightly matted from the position in which he was sleeping. He continued in a cranky tone, "What have I told you about letting me sleep! I have to—**Jesus**!" He had apparently caught sight of Bobby, who stood next to Sam. Said sight gave him something of a start.

"Actually, I prefer 'Bobby,'" Bobby said, eyes twinkling in a kind smile.

"Bobby's found something that he thinks we should take a look at," Sam explained as Dean bent down and searched for a t-shirt. "Said it was important."

Dean stood up, apparently over his little tantrum, and raised his arms. "Lay it on me, Bob man!" He grinned, and sat down on the motel sofa.

Bobby sat across from him in a chair, unhooked the dark bag from his arm and opened the zipper. The Winchester boys waited with baited breath as Bobby reached into the bag, rummaged through its contents, and pulled out…

"A _book?_" Dean asked incredulously. "A book. _That's_ why I had to wake up before eleven?"

Bobby and Sam shot him a look. Bobby tossed the small object at Sam, who caught it, utterly bemused. The book was an offending acrid purple in color, with a fluffy front cover and gold lettering on the front that read, "My Journal" in spindly script. The overall effect was quite nauseating, actually.

"It looks like a… well, a diary, Bobby," Sam said slowly, turning the book over in his hands with a puzzled expression.

"Boys, that's not just any diary. That's black magic, that's what it is," Bobby said quite seriously, pointing at the purple object with an accusing finger. "Last week, a friend of mine, a hunter, died of old age. Or so it would seem. In his possession he had a great many powerful dark objects, he had accumulated over the years, and this was among them."

Dean grabbed the journal out of Sam's hands and made to open it. "NO!!" Bobby roared, and smacked the book from Dean's hands. It went toppling to the floor. Dean was left staring at the empty space where the diary had once been with a flabbergasted expression on his face.

"You can't open this book! I don't know what's in it; and neither do you," Bobby scolded, staring sternly at the shocked looks on Sam and Dean's face. "That's what I came to you boys for. I need you to help me. Hopefully in the act of destroying whatever atrocity this is."

Dean, however, had his curiosity piqued. Leaning down and picking up the fluffy notebook, he cracked the cover open and peeked inside. What he saw made him yell out in horror.

"What? What is it, Dean?" Sam cried urgently, trying to pry the book out of Dean's grip.

"I saw… I saw… _my name!_" Dean whispered, face white. Sam and Bobby exchanged worried looks, apparently worried for Dean's mental health.

"Let me see that," Sam said, as he finally managed to snatch the journal away from Dean, who was slumped in the couch, looking thoroughly disturbed. Sam opened the journal and stopped on the first page, where curly script began to magically unfold like an enchanted story book. Queer, magical, even, but certainly not dangerous. Clearing his throat slightly, Sam began to read aloud.

"_Hello everyone. I am deansmyhunkyxo19, and this is mah first fanfic. Plz R&R, cuz I luv feedback_."

Dean looked quizzically up at Bobby. "_Fanfic?_ What's that?" he interrupted.

Bobby sighed, shaking his head in defeat. "I think that it's some sort of parallel universe where people write their own versions of stories, basically doing whatever they want with it and its characters." Sam made a disgusted face. "Yeah, I know. But, I think that the best way to find out what kind of dark powers this book has will be to read it, all the way through. It is possibly a very dangerous demonic portal of some sort."

Dean, who had recovered from his first shock of seeing his name printed somewhere it should definitely _not_ be, snorted loudly. "Ha. We'll just see about that. Anyone who has _my _name as a screenname can't be _so _bad. Read on, Sammy." Sam cleared his throat again and continued.

_Rise of the Huntress_

_Chapter 1:_

_It was late at night when Roxanne decided that it was time to make her way home._

Again, Dean interrupted. "Roxanne. I once knew a stripper with that name." Sam shot him a dirty look and went back to reading.

_Roxanne worked the night shift at __**Prowl69,**__ a strip club in DC. She was the most popular attraction there, of couse. It wuz the end of her shift and she was heading home._

Dean made a "ha!" of satisfaction.

Sam's brow furrowed. "Wait, that can't be right. 'Of _couse_'? That's not a word."

"It's called a spelling error, Sammy," Dean said in a bored tone. "I daresay that you've seen very few of them, being a sidekick geek boy and all—" Sam made a sound of indignance—"but sooner or later you'll just have to _get over it_, Mr. Perfectionista."

Bobby sighed. "Boys, we could do with less interruptions and discrepancies, if you please. Sam, just ignore your brother _and_ the spelling mistakes."

Shooting a death glare at Dean's smug mug, Sam held the purple atrocity called a fanfiction high in front of his face so he couldn't see his brother.

_Roxxy, as she liked to be called, was a gorgeous, stunningly breathtaking blonde, and even tho she was a stripper she weren't a slut. _Sam scoffed at this ridiculous choice of words, marveling at deansmyhunkyxo19's use of contradictory statements.

_Her glossy hair was stick straight, with ringlets at the top of her head and pink and blue lowlights and it reached the middle of her slender back. Her impossibly green and violet eyes glowed with radaience nd she had the longest eyelashes known to man (or woman). They were jet black, of course (the eyelashes) so she didn't need mascara. Roxxy was, of course, well indowed _(A/N: how else could she be a stripper!)_ in the chest area and had long legs that went on for days, in addition to…_

"Bobby," said Sam in a strained voice. "Do we have to listen to this?"

"I wouldn't mind hearing some more," Dean smirked, entirely at ease now. He leaned back and propped his feet up on the wooden coffee table that was in front of the sofa. Bobby ignored the both of them, waving a hand to indicate continuation.

_…in addition to her curvy horeglass figure n stick straight blonde hare. _

"She already mentioned that!" Sam cried exasperatedly, throwing the book down onto the coffee table. "I can't read any more of this. I'd rather take on three vampires and a shtriga! How can anyone _read_ this trash, what with the intense grammar and spelling mistakes, along with overall _disgustingness!_"

Dean made a grab for the book, but Bobby got there first. Holding the purple fuzzy journal aloft, he handed it back to Sam with a stern look on his face. Sam took it like it was a poisonous rattlesnake.

"Just read," he growled. "And get this damn thing over with."

_Suddenly she heard a rustleting behind her _(A/N: oops! I forgot to mention, she wuz in a dark alleyway)_. A growling sound met her cute earz. She turned cutely on the spot and called out, "Hellooo? Anyone thurrr?" In a cute Baltimore accent. Somehting growled. _

"She repeats 'cute' several times. Yes, we get it," Bobby said as Sam opened his mouth to protest the latest of deansmyhunkyxo19's poor choice of explications.

_Roxxie gapsed as two wolf-like creatures with huge teeth and fangs and lotsa hair jumped out behind the stinky dumpster. They looked like werewolves. _

"How the _hell_ would she know that?" Dean asked, somewhere between bewildered and slightly impressed. "I thought that she was a _stripper?_"

_The left one, the bigger one, growled and made his way to Roxxie, who was pinned to da spot in fear. Suddenly she remembered the pepper spray she hadin her handbag. She opend her purse and whipped it out. "Back off, bitches. I gotsa some pepper spray." The wolve looked for a moment like they were gonna back off. But then one of them pounced on her!!! _

_Roxxie screamed bloody murder but suddenly out of nowhere a tall, muscular man apperad in teh alleyway and shot at the wolves. BANG BANG! Went the gun and he killed one of them dead. Blood and brains plastered the alley and it looked gros. Another man came out of the shadows and shot at the other one, but he missed and it ascaped. The 1st man helped Roxxie to her foot and grinned at her. "Hello," he said sexily. "My name is Dean. And this is my geek psychic borhter, Sam. He's a leetle anti-social, but you can ignore him."_

"Objection!" Sam yelled as Dean howled with laughter. Even Bobby was having a hard time keeping his face passive. "I am _not_ anti-social!" He pouted for a moment before turning back to the evil demonic diary.

_Roxxie flung her hare back and it was like being hit with a wave of burning love and desire. Dean fell to his knees at Roxxie's feet and Sam whimprd from the sight. She had that effect on anyone who was mail, and even some who was femail. Roxxie wuz just so beeyootiful that it hurt the eyeballs to look at her beautee. Even when she realized that the wolve had ripped her shirt and skirt, and splattered wolf blood on her long legs and tanned arms. On any other person they would have looked like slut covered in dead wolve blood, but Roxxie looked like a warrior princess, and very hawt. Like a blonde Lara Croft._

_She raised her pretty blu eyes and fluttered them at Dean, who swooned._

By now both the Winchester boys were going into conniptions.

"Swooned? What the hell?" Dean sputtered. A vein in his temple was throbbing dangerously.

"_Blue_ eyes? I thought that she had purple eyes?" Sam uttered. "And I do _not_ whimper!" Sam yelled in defiance, shaking a fist at the book. Bobby gripped the side of the chair hard, trying to keep a straight face and failing miserably.

_"I like how u tried to defend urself," Dean cooed sexily at the sexy blond girl, who was twenty five, old enough for Dean, unlike that Jo the Ho who was wayyy too young for him. And too stupid. And too blonde. Plus Dean wasn't a pedo, he likes real women his own age._

"Poor Jo," Sam shook his head. "She's not even around to defend herself."

"Yeah, and since when was this Roxxie chick _not_ blond?" Dean questioned. "She just insulted blondes!"

_Anyway, he flexed his sexy muscles and brandished his sexy gun. Damn, he made even a cold metal gun look sexy hawt. Plus he had his own pair of sexy guns, his arms! (A/N: Tee hee. coulnt' resist.)_

"Arrgggh!!!!" Sam bellowed. "I can't take it!"

_"You woudl make a good huntress. Wanna be trained?" Sam said, not as sexily but he was still cute, if you ignore the weird mole he has onh is chin._

Sam's eye was twitching from the insult. Dean's hands were twitching as he strained not to strangle something. Bobby's mouth was twitching from trying not to burst out laughing.

_"My namez Roxxanne, BTW," Roxxane explaned. "You can call me Roxxie, tho." She winked at Dean. Sam pouted from the lack of attention. "So whats this about huntressing? I wanna be a huntress. You saved my life, I owe u."_

_"Come to our car?" Sam ordered. "We can protect u and lead you to our place."_

_Dean was still staring hungrily after Roxxy as they led her 2 their car. "Its a good thing ur comin with us. That werewolve could be back to kill you, and I'd never forgive myself if dat happened to u," Dean said soflty, blue eyes wide and earnest. Roxxy blused and looked away from Dean's intense stare. _

"Now, that actually sounds like something you _would_ say to get into a girl's pants," Sam crowed, smiling triumphantly into Dean's horrified face.

"I don't _have_ blue eyes!" Dean cried to the heavens, ignoring Sam's slur. "For the last **time**, my eyes are _greenish-brown_! And I would never use such a tacky pick-up line!" After a moment's thought, however, he corrected himself. "Okay, maybe I would."

"Glad we cleared that up," Bobby muttered under his breath, rolling his eyes.

_They got in the black car that Dean drove _(A/N: I forget wat its called, doesn't matter anyway… it's like an old rusty piece of crap, why don't they buy a new car??) —the real Dean gave a squawk of indignance at this—_ and Roxxie got shotgun. Sammich had to sit in teh back. Ha ha, poor baby bro._

Dean snorted loudly, tears coming to his eyes. "_Sammich?_ Oh… my… god…" He was whacking the cushions of the couch with each word as he burst into peals of laughter. Every second that they thought he would settle down, Dean took one more look at Sam and started laughing again. This lasted for seven whole minutes.

Sam, face reddening, turn the opportunity to smack Dean over the head with the purple-colored fuzzy demonic publication of a story. Standing up to avoid Dean's retaliation, he attempted to finish the chapter.

_Then Dean drovet hem back to the motel where the Winchesters were staying. Dean unlocked the room number 10 and they all went inside. The room was smelly and the lights flickered but there was a TV. Roxxie could watch her favorite show,_ "Judge Judy."

_"You can have my bed, Miss Roxxie," Deano said most gentlemanly like. He grinned seixily at her, which ruined teh effect somewhat. Roxxie giggled and blushed anyway, blond hare hding her face like a curtain of silver moonlite. _

"How can _blonde_ hair become '_silver_ moonlite'?" Sam asked, shaking the book. No one answered him. It seemed like they had resorted to ignoring him and his constant corrections.

_"You are so nice," Roxxie giggled. "Thnx for the bed. You can share if you like, I don't mind."_

"And I'll bet you wouldn't mind, you slutty blond stripper," Sam muttered as Dean rocked back and forth next to him on the couch, whispering, "Please God, oh no, please, anything but that, oh God."

_Dean, sexy beast that he was, whipped off his shirt like it was nothing and sed, "Of course I don't mind, if you don't." He then proceeded to do bench presses and sit-ups. (They had a personal gym in their motel room) Sam, prude as he was, huffily stalked out of the motel and said something about 'finding dinner.' What a party pooper. _

_Dean continud to show off for Roxxie, who hungrily watched his sweaty mussels relax and contract and relax and…_

"Too much info!" exclaimed Sam at the same time that Bobby cried, "Aw, _hell_ no!" Each of the two was in different stages of what appeared to be stomach flu. Dean, however, flexed his own muscles experimentally.

"Heh, well, she's not wrong there," Dean commented in an offhand way, poking the firmness of his bicep. He shrugged ever so modestly. "Everyone knows I'm the sexier brother."

Bobby cut off Sam's furious retort. "Read," was all he had to say. Disgusting as the "fanfic" was, all three of them were unintentionally hooked. Oh, they had it bad.

_Sam came back with Chinesse food and they all ate. Roxxie ate a lot of food 4 a gurl, but it never showed. She dind't work out, either, she didn't have to. She had a skinny waist and a firm butt as a result of a naturally fast metableyism (or however you spell it, idk). It seemed like Dean did, too, cuz he ate all the time bad foods and never got fat and ugly _(A/N: thx god, or i'd have to kill him off early into the fic).

_When they finished, Dean handed Roxxie a gun. "Tomorrow we'll teach you how to use it," Sam explained patiently. He's so cute with those puppy dog eyes sometimes. _

"Finally! She says something in my favor!" Sam cheered. His face fell as he read the next sentence, however.

_But Dean was still sexier. And hawter. And sexier. _

_Anyway, Sam went to his bed and Roxxie and Dean wnet to theirs. Roxxie whispered, giggling, "I hop you don't mind, but I sleep in my birthday suit!" Dean's eyes widened. _

The real Dean's eyes widened too. "If she weren't such an impossibly whorish slut, then I might just like this story." He looked like he had just been force-fed his socks.

Sam wrinkled his nose in distaste. "What a Mary Sue," he grumbled, staring daggers first at the diary for being such an abomination, then at his brother for being such a snarky jerk, then finally at Bobby for getting them into this mess in the first place.

"Mary Sue?" Bobby asked gruffly, wiping away tears of mirth. "What in the _hell_ is a Mary Sue?"

Dean smiled to himself. "Mary Sue," he said dreamily. "I remember her. Wild card, a rebel. Hot, too. She had these amazing, perky—"

"Back in college I heard some of my friends talking about it," Sam explained, talking over Dean. "I was hoping that this wasn't going to be the case with this story, but unfortunately, it is. Mary Sues are, in essence, the epitome of perfection. They are gorgeous, exceedingly smart, every guy wants them, every girl hates them, and in the end they usually get the main hero, the secondary protagonist, as their love interest. No matter how slutty they might act, they are considered modest and saintly, and they usually are almost always secretly some sort of 'chosen one,' if you will." Dean looked nauseated just at the description of such an existence. Bobby raised his bushy eyebrows.

"So, what you're saying is, they don't die," Bobby said, as an impending sense of doom drifted over the small group. Sam nodded, face pale.

Dean, who had leaned over Sam's shoulder, pointed at something underneath what had just been read. "Wait, there's more."

"What?!" Sam gasped, and shifted his attention to back to the cursed fanfiction.

_A/N: hope y'all liked that first instalement. Wheee cliffy! As you can tell, things are going to heat up between Roxanne and Deany, and its just the first chappie! can't wait. I have to come up with an OC 4 Sammeh, too-- any suggestins? Anyhoo, review! and no flamez or I will get Dean to shoot you. and then salt and gasoline your bones. and then set you on fiyah!_

"Flamez?" Dean asked, dumbfounded. "Dude, she means, like, fire, right?" He seemed excited at the thought that deansmyhunkyxo19 would be burnt to a crisp, however remote the possibility.

Sam drew a hand over his stressed face. "No, flames are, I think, something like criticism for one's fanfiction. Of the angry, insulting sort." Dean's hopeful face fell.

Bobby stood up. "Well, boys, I think that we're smack dab in the middle of something big. We'd best stick it out. But first, I'm guessing that we need to take a breakfast break?"

Dean stood up at once. "Pizza," he said, without thinking. "I'll order." Without waiting for the others to protest, he strode over to the phone on the bedside table.

"Bobby," Sam said in a haunted voice as he watched Dean order the pizzas, "You're not serious? I don't have to read the _entire_ story, do I?"

"Tell you what, we'll draw straws for the next one, me and Dean. We'll take turns in that order," Bobby said gently, to calm the frantic Sam, who looked on the verge of tears at the thought of reading through the entire fanfiction.

Five minutes later, Dean returned to the couch. The prospect of food had clearly cheered him up. He rubbed his hands together. "Alright. On to the next chapter. Who wants to read?"

**A/N:** Alas, this is the _actual_ author's note. Sooo, what do you think? I'll try to make the next chapters as humorous as possible. And who should I bring in first to the next chapter? John? The Yellow-Eyed Demon? Thanks in advance to any who review.

And also, I'd love to have reviewers/flamers of the story within the story, or deansmyhunkyxo19's "Rise of the Huntress." Pretend to like it or flame away, my friends. This is going to be an interesting fic, alright.


	2. Spare Us the Details

**Supernatural Meets Sue-pernatural**

A Mary-Sue Parody by Cassie Winchester

**The Road So Far:** Bobby call Sam and Dean about something urgent; turns out that he found something in a deceased hunter's possession that he thinks they should take a look at. That something is a magical purple fuzzy notebook with the extraordinary power to conjure up Mary Sues in a Supernatural fanfiction. Chaos ensues.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Supernatural, or any of the Supernatural canon characters. I do, however, own deansmyhunkyxo19 and –shudders– Roxanne. Oh, and characters might just act a little OOC or over the top, but it's purely for parody and entertainment purposes, I _do_ know how they actually act in the show.

And for plot purposes, I have decided that I won't bring John into this madness called Mary Sue Fiction… Not yet, anyway (but I will, soon.) But we do have a surprise guest star by the end of this chapter, I promise.

Keep it real, folks.

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**Chapter Two: Spare Us the Details**

Five minutes later, Dean returned to the couch. The prospect of food had clearly cheered him up. He rubbed his hands together. "Alright. On to the next chapter. Who wants to read?"

Sam seemed relieved since last Dean had been in the room. In fact, he was all but grinning. It was clear that he hoped in the game of straws Dean would lose, and would have to read the fuzzy purple horror next. Sam placed the journal down on the coffee table in plain view of the three of them. Its curly golden script on the cover winked at them ominously. They all stared at the dark object for a few moments, transfixed.

"My precious," Dean hissed, stroking the cover of the journal. Both Bobby and Sam turned, wide-eyed and horrified, towards him. Dean's eyes were bugged out and he looked slightly crazy.

"D-Dean?" Sam asked timidly, shrinking away from his older brother.

Suddenly Dean snorted. "Jesus," he chortled, leaning back in his seat. "You should see the expressions on your faces, the two of you. Honestly." Still laughing, he ignored the scandalized looks Bobby and Sam directed towards him.

"Okay," Bobby tried to find where they had left off. He turned in his chair to address Dean. "We'll have to see who reads the next chapter."

"Oh, please, I insist, Bobby," Dean said smoothly, pushing the diary towards the older man with an infuriating smile on his face. "You do the honors."

Bobby shot him a glare. Slowly, he raised his left hand and held the palm up, flat. His right hand curled into a fist on top of the palm. The traditional stance of one about to begin "rock, paper, scissors." Dean grimaced and Sam smiled.

"Just to warn you Bobby," Sam said, leaning back on the sofa as Dean leaned forward, face set and determined. "Dean _always_ loses." Behind Dean's back, he made a fist with his hand, then pointed to the back of Dean's head. Bobby raised his eyebrows in confusion. Sam mouthed "rock" and did the same motion as before. Bobby seemed to get it. Dean figured out something was up and swiveled to face his brother. Sam plastered an innocent smile on his face; he wasn't sure if Dean saw through it or not. It didn't matter, anyway.

"Ready," Bobby said. "On my count. Rock, paper, scissors, _shoot!_" Bobby revealed his paper while Dean, surprise surprise, kept his fist closed in the rock position. Dean scowled as Sam and Bobby exchanged knowing looks.

"Bobby one, Dean **zero**!" Sam cheered.

"Okay, fine. Best two out of three, then," Dean grumbled doggedly. "On_**my**_ count. Rock, paper, scissors, _shoot!_" Dean made a groan as, yet again, Bobby chose paper to his own rock. Dean smacked Sam upside the head. Hard.

"Ow! What was that for?" Sam yelled, rubbing the back of his head. "_I_ wasn't the one you just lost to. If anything, smack Bobby."

"Dean knows that if he even _tries_ to smack me," Bobby growled, "He'll have the tar juice beaten out of him." Both Sam and Dean looked at him with a little more respect at this statement.

Sam, grinning despite his throbbing head, picked up the purple journal and thrust it into Dean's shaking hands. Bobby, however, gently took it from his grip.

"It's okay. I'll take one for the team," Bobby voiced, and it was like a chorus of angels to Dean. He smiled gratefully at the bearded man and then shot a satisfied smirk towards Sam, who looked as if Christmas had been canceled for the next five years.

"… but only _this_ time. The next chapter is all **yours**, Dean." Bobby's tone made it clear that if Dean tried to weasel his way out of reading the next chapter, he would pay the consequences.

"B-but, but he—" Sam spluttered, aghast. He pointed an accusatory finger at Dean. "He **lost!**" As if that solved anything. Poor Sam. You're fighting an uphill battle, dear.

Bobby cleared his throat loudly and pulled out a pair of reading glasses from the travel bag that was at his feet. Slipping them onto his crooked nose, he cracked the fuzzy diary open. Instantly, magically, words scrolled across the page like some invisible typewriter. Bobby shot Dean and Sam a look that clearly stated, "Interrupt and die." He began to read.

_Heylo every buddy. It's deansmyhunkyxo19 again. Wheee second chappie is up! so fun. I can't believe that I only got 3 reviews, & one of them were flamez! If u read this and don't revew or you flame, you suck! Anyhoo, on with teh story!! & BTW in the last chapter a "birthday suit" is i.e. sleeping in the nude! Tee hee, Roxxie is sucha bad girl!_

Sam was clutching a sofa pillow, eyes peeking out from behind it. Dean was sitting at the far end of the sofa, as far away from the Mary Sue book as he could get without dumping himself on the floor. They looked prepared for the Third World War to start. Suddenly a cell phone rang and Sam and Dean, whose nerves were already high-strung, jumped.

"Oh," Bobby grunted. "That's me." He pulled out his cell phone, and flipped it open. He read whatever was on the screen before swiftly typing in some sort of text message. Shutting the phone closed with a snap, he ignored the inquiring looks of the Winchesters. He scanned the page for where to pick up reading next.

_Rise of the huntress_

_chappie 2:_

_Roxxie did, indeed sleep in the nude. It was because she wuz so beeyootiful that Dean let her share his bed, else why would they be together?_

"Wait, since when are we _together_?" Dean asked, a look of disgust on his face. "Unless we _did_ something somewhere between chapters one and two that deansmyhunkyxo19 forgot to mention…"

_… wat I mean is, they _**will** _be together. But not yet, you sillies! What u think, Roxxie is a slut? Shut up. Anyway, Roxxie looked so sexy and crazy beeyootiful in her nudieness dat Dean could barely contain himself. He wanted her so bad already. He wanted to rip the clothes off her sexy skinny body and suck…_

Bobby stopped here, a look of pure revulsion on his face. "This is absolutely pornographic!" He exclaimed, looking troubled. His eyes roved over the next page, growing in size. "Aw, hell. I didn't even think that that was possible!"

"What? What?" Both Sam and Dean were clamoring to get a better look at the page. Bobby, being the shortest of the three, couldn't hold the book out of their reach so he proceeded to whack the two Winchesters with it instead. They stumbled back to their previous positions on the couch, each nursing head wounds and grumbling about abuse.

"Do I have to read this?" Bobby asked in a weary voice. Sam and Dean stared him down.

"If I had to do it, then so do you, Bobby," Sam replied coolly, crossing his arms and giving the older man bitchface #19283.

"Yeah," Dean chimed in. "Rules are rules, after all," he reprimanded, despite the fact that they hadn't really agreed on any such thing. Bobby looked like he had just been told to go down for a trip to hell and pick out a summer home.

Bobby then proceeded to describe just what Dean wanted to do with Roxxie's sexy skinny body. Sam looked nauseated beyond all hope, trembling behind his protective pillow like it was a shield and gripping it like a lifeline. Dean looked excited and was drinking in every word in spite of himself, eyes the size of dinner plates. Bobby just looked plain tired.

"In all my years as a hunter and as a man," Bobby proclaimed, holding the magical journal with as little skin contact as possible, "I have never heard of, seen, read, or carried out anything so profane and disgusting with a woman, even in theory." Sam nodded in agreement.

"I have," Dean muttered, looking at his feet. Bobby and Sam both stared at him, astonished. In his defense, he _did_ look slightly abashed. Or maybe it was pride. With Dean, you couldn't really tell.

"I don't know what's worse, Dean," Sam said, shaking his head in disbelief. "The fact that deansmyhunkyxo19 has portrayed you so adeptly, or the fact that you could possibly have HIV or an STD in the future, the way your sex life is going. Not to mention a couple hundred little Deans running around. I am almost ashamed to call you my brother." Seeing the murderous look on Dean's face, however, he hurried on, "…I said **almost** As in, _not quite!_"

Dean muttered something about "ungrateful little brothers." Bobby, looking traumatized, returned to his reading.

_Dean fell asleep easily as he dreampt about wat he would do to Roxxie when he got teh change. Roxxie defitely wouldn't refuse him. After all, who could resist dat sexy simile and those sexy arms and legs and cute sexy butt? I mean, Sam's got killer abs and everything, but Deans a better package. _

Sam made a sound somewhere between choking and crying. Dean waggled his "cute sexy" butt in Sam's face, much to Sam's outrage. Bobby had to jump up and separate the two.

"Boys!" Bobby yelled angrily, pushing Dean down to his part of the couch and practically sitting on Sam to make him stop his attempts to separate Dean's head from his shoulders. "I have never seen you like this before! Not even with the trickster. What has gotten into you?"

"I'm sorry," Sam was the first to apologize, but to Bobby rather than Dean. "It's just this book. It's making me stressed and irritable."

"Then I suggest," Bobby growled, flopping back into his chair across from the sofa with a stern look at Dean, "That you two allow me to **finish the chapter!**" He roared. Sam and Dean shrank back meekly. "Thank you," Bobby said in his normal voice.

_Da next day, Dean, Sammich, nd Roxxie woke up. _(A/N: I forget to mention that Roxxie & Deany were holding hands in sleep! sooo cute!)_ They went out to a dinner to have breakfast. It was very fun. Then they dorve and drove in the car, finally reaching a faraway woods. Roxxie was getting impatient._

_"when you gonna teach me to be a huntress and shit?" she aksed Dean, pouting and fluttering her lime green/sky blue/violent violet eyes and swishing her blue and pink-low-lighted blond stick-striaght with curly bangs hair. She pulled out the really cool gun dat Dean had beqeethed to her _(A/N: wooo long word. had to lookit up to make sure it was spelled rite)._ It was pink and silver with glittery purple bullets, witch had a silver core in each of them._

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" Dean spewed. It seemed that he had taken offense to having any of his guns described in such a cutesy, "glittery" way.

_"Deany beany," Roxxie cooed sexily, and Dean damn nearly passed out from her sexxy beautey. "I wanna you and Sammich to teach me to shoot & kill with mah gun." Dean nodded. He quickly showedher how to point n shoot with it. _

_Sammich was made the targit. They put a beer can on his head & told him to stand still 20 yards away. Roxxie wuz gonna practice shooting lyke this. _

"Holy mother—!" Dean cried out. His eyes were practically crossed, he was laughing so hard. "Why didn't Dad think of that when he trained _us?_" Sam, seemingly too dignified to retort, grumbled something into his pillow and buried his reddening face in it.

_Bang! Roxxie shot at Sammeh. Whiz! The can flew off his big ole head (he has a really really big head), a purfect shots! Roxxie was a natural!_

_"Roxxie, your a natural!" Dean cried. Sam burst into tears at this happy site. he's always crying. such a wuss sometimes, but it's cute._

Meanwhile the real Sam was on the verge of tears as well. His face was now completely hidden behind the sofa pillow but it was clear that his attention was focused on Bobby's voice… and the Mary Sue fic.

_It soon became clear dat Roxxie wuz born 2 B a huntress. She shot everything perfectly each thyme. Next, she volunteered to shoot blindfold. she shot everything then too. It was perfect. she was perfect. _

_Next, Roxxie offered to be the target, so Sammich, who wasn't as good a shot as Deany Beany, coudl get sum practice in. she was so brave. They set a can on top of her gracefull head and Sam shot her. He missed tho (cause he's such a crappy shot), and it went whizzing past Roxxie's hip. Roxxie, tho, without thinking, tho, __**caught the bullet in her bare hand!**_

"Holy shit!" Dean cried out, impressed despite the fact that he was trying hard not to think about the story. At surprised looks from Sam and Bobby, he shrugged. "What? It _is_ kinda cool."

_"Holy shit!" dean cried out, impressed. "WTF? How did u do that?" Sam had passed out from all the excitements. Poor baby, it was his naps time._

_Roxxie stared at the silvery bullet caught in her pale slender hand wid an odd expression on her gorgeouso face. "I dunno," she whispered quietly. "It's funny, like I was supposed 2 do dat mah whole life." a sudden thought occur'd to her. "Ohmigod! Shoot me!.."_

"Yes!!!" Sam punched the air in joy as Dean let out whoops of approval. Their joy was short-lived, however.

_"Shoot me! I think dat i'm indistructible!" Roxxie cried out in joy! Dean refused 2 do it, tho. _

_"I can't shoot you," Dean wailed. "You are too pretty."_

"What a reason," Bobby muttered before returning to the story.

_"well, u have to. Sammich is down for the count, ur the only one who can," roxxie explaned patiently. Dean thought about it, but it apperad that she was right. Roxxie wuz so smart sometimes. No, all the time._

_**BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!!!!!!!11111**_

"OH MY GOD one one one one one," Dean mumbled in a bored tone. "When is my namesake, deansmyhunkyxo19 going to learn to use the English language and grammar properly?"

"Never," Bobby and Sam said together.

"Okay, then when the hell is that pizza delivery going to come? I'm friggin starving," Dean complained. The others ignored him.

_The gunshot rang out. Dean had shot Roxxie rite at da heart. But no bullet pierced he skin. The bullets lie useless on the ground now. The loud sound woke Sammeh out of his unconshish state. He gaped at Roxxie. _

_"Holy shit!" He gapsed, then passed out again. _

_"Dat's wat I said, you can't take that?" Dean roared, and pistol-whipped his younge brother, who was jerke awake by the pain._

_Roxxie was now indeistructibel. Nothink could kill her. She was so hawt. _

"Now, _that_ was random," Sam said shakily, peering over the top of the pillow. He was gripping it so tightly that his knuckles were white. The fabric of the pillow was starting to fray with the force that Sam was wringing it.

_Suddenly, a rusleting sound met her cutest ears. Deja alleyway, anyone? They looked up and a creepy-ass dude came slithering out of da woodz. He was very, very, very white. Like, really white. (albinoe?) And had blood red eyez and an ugly face with dark black hair on it. _

"He had a hairy face?" Dean questioned, looking bewildered. Bobby gave him a look and he quieted, feeling slightly stupid. Damn book, it was draining away his IQ.

_He looked like he hadn't takn a bath in a week, either. Yuckos. Anyway, he wuz holding a foot-long curvy knife dagger thing in his paleish hands. He looked at Roxxie, and it seemed like he wuz gonna say something, but changed his small mind. Without warning he sprung forward nd attacked! Oh noes!_

_He was a vamp! He had long pointy fangs and shit. Dean & Sam shot at him but to no avale. He tried to stap her wit the knife but it would not pierce her tanned flaesh. Then he tried biting her, but it didn't work. Roxxie did a somersault, kicking her attacker in the croth and den doing a dipping wolf roundhouse compined with blind dragon fury and a crouching tiger, hidden whoop-ass kick-thrust. She kicked his sorry vamp ass. Den she picked up da knife & held it to his white, pale throat. _

_"Who you work for, fool?" she hissed. "Why you and your werewolve friends wanna try n kill me?"_

_The vamp just laughed and laughed, mocking her. "Your a half-breed, an abomination—"_ Dean and Sam high-fived each other at this. They seemed to have gotten over their many minor fights.

_"—and you cannot exist. We will not stop till ur dead, and will follow you to hell if we hafta. Bye, bye, werevamp, you're toast, toots," The vamp cacklied, laughing and snorting grossly._

_ROxxie got angry so she chopped off his head with his nife. Blood shplashed everywhere, even on her face. Roxxie licked her lips accidentally_ (A/N: Ew! AIDS! But I promises there's a reason why)._ It tasted kinda good. _

"Okay, okay. We need to take a break, here," Sam yelped in a strangled way, three shades past green. "That is just…"

Bobby nodded, stroking his beard in an attempt to calm himself. "My eyes! They're scarred for life, that's for sure, boys."

_Roxxie was angry herself. Why she eat the blood? Was there something wrong with her?_

"**YES!!!**" Sam and Dean shouted in unison.

_Dam and Sean looked up at her, half afraid and haf in awe. Roxxy really did kick ass, didn't she?_

"Wait one second…" Bobby said. "deansmyhunkyxo19 changed Roxxie's name spelling. It's now with a 'y' instead of 'ie'."

"Oh, like we really care," Dean said sarcastically.

"Good point." Bobby nodded.

_Roxxy wuz shaking. Then she started bawling. "Ima monstah! And wat did he mean by calling me werevamp?" she wailed, and Deany Beany tripped over himself to comfort her (A/N: How very un-Dean like, yeh? But Roxxy is changing him, you'll see. He's too mean in the show. He needs to be nicer and less macho and whatever) He noticed dat Roxxy smelled __**sooooo**__ nice, like orange and pineapple and mango passion and lavender and vanilla and cimmanon and brown sugar and nutmeg. And laundry detergent (the outdoor spring scent kind.) _

Dean retched. "If anyone _ever_ smelled like that, I don't think that I'd be able to eat for a week afterwards." Sam didn't even bother to come up with a retort, he didn't trust himself to open his mouth, for fear that his stomach might take advantage of that and empty its contents.

_Sammeh pouted on the ground, because he wuz ignored. Poor le Sammich. Den he got a lightbulb, being the geekboy that he is. _

_"I got a lightbulb!" he yelled! "We can go to tha physics! The tiwns! They'll know what to do."_

"I think that here she means psychics," Sam said carefully to answer the bewildered expression on Dean's face.

_Dean looked up at his brother, nodding. "Yea, that is a good idea. The physics will know what's wrong with you, & why ppl are trying to kill you." He talked to Roxxy now. _

_"Oh, thankyouthankyou Deany Beany. Your my hero." ROxxy wept sexily, the sun really catching those blue and pink low-lights in her hare. The trio made there way back to Dean's black piece of shite he calls a car. _

"The Impala is _not _a piece of shit, you bitch!" Dean cursed at the book, practically foaming at the mouth. Sam had to hold his brother's shoulders down to prevent him from attacking the fluffy purple atrocity and wringing the life out of it (not that it was alive… or was it?).

"Ow!" Sam cried out in pain, clutching his index finger. He turned to his brother, who was sitting rigidly in his seat, eyes wide and glassy. "The jerk bit me!" The two Winchesters continued to scuffle, albeit in silence so they could hear what Bobby was reading.

Bobby rolled his eyes, opting to stay out of this particular fight, and chose to finish the rest of the chapter.

_The tree of them got in the vehickle and they drove out of town. "Wat is a werevamp?" Roxxy asked the tow Winchesters. _

_Sammich looked at Deany Beany and…_

"Hokay, I think that that is enough," Bobby said, and promptly shut the journal. Sam and Dean stopped fighting and turned to face him, faces bereft.

"Noooo," Sam pleaded. "Please. We need to know what Sammich looks at Deany Beany for."

"Oh god," Dean smacked a hand over his eyes. "That sounds like some really crappy Care Bears movie."

Sam's head snapped to face him. An impish grin spread over his face. "You watch Care Bears?"

Dean made a disgusted face at his brother. "Shut up." He chose not to answer Sam's question, instead continuing in a resigned voice, "Please, Bobby. Just do it, just… get it over with. And where is that pizza dude?!" He patted his stomach worriedly as it gave another hungry gurgle.

"Well," Bobby replied, shifting his reading glasses up the bridge of his nose and peering down at the magically unfurling script of the story, "There's not that much left. Just a paragraph and an author's note."

At looks of impatience from his two companions, Bobby sighed warily and ran his finger down the page. "Let's see, I lost my place. Hmm,"

_ROxxie got angry so she chopped off his head. Blood shplashed everywhere, even on her face. Roxxie licked her lips _accidentally (A/N: Ew! AIDS! But I promises theres a reason why)._ It tasted kinda good…_

"We already _heard _that!" Sam wailed, hands over his ears.

"We're at the part where they're in my car, which she calls a piece of shit, that goddamn—"

"Oh, right you are," Bobby said, voice slightly raised to drown out Dean's increasingly blasphemous list of vocabulary words. "Let's see…"

_Sammich looked at Deany Beany and they both look at Roxxy. "It's a long story," Sam complained. _

_"I've got time," Roxxy smiled at Dean, who nearly swerved into oncoming traffic, Roxxy was that gorgous. He settles for swooning instead._

"Hey, now there's an idea, that traffic thing," Dean said quietly to himself. It appeared that he was making a list of ways to kill himself before it was his turn to read. He shifted in his seat. "And I do _not_ swoon," he protested.

"Review responses," Bobby read aloud.

_So we're done with chappie deux (that's French for 2, you non-biligal idiots) Pore roxxy, right? And wats with the freaky blood and ppl trying to kill her left & right? You have to wait and seeeee… Plus, I'm bringin in my friend, samsasexybeeyotch to help me right a good OC for sam. I don't like sam as much as dean, but SASB likes him better, even with the pretty boy haircut and funky mole on his chinny. Oh well, to each his owne, idk. W/e._

_Yeyy reviews, here we go:_

_**prettysparkleprincess:**__ so glad u liked it. thx for the revew and hop you liked this one. _

_**punkitup191:**__ you suck more. just becuz Roxanne is perfect and you arent' is no reason to be hating and rude. that's right, I said it. RUDE. wat now? wat now? huh?!_

_**samsasexybeeyotch:**__ hey babe so glad u reviews. your gonna help me with teh Sammich love interest, right? can't do it without u. _

"The room is spinning," Sam groaned weakly. He tried to sit up but toppled back onto the sofa, groaning.

Suddenly there came a sharp rap on the motel door, and all three of them jumped out of their skins.

"I'll get it, it's probably my large Philly Cheesesteak pizza," Dean practically sprinted to the front door. He opened it without looking out the peephole and who he saw there made him temporarily lose his manners. "What are _**you**_ doing here?"

"Is that a way to greet your guest, Dean?" Ellen Harvelle was standing in the doorway. Ho boy, was she in for a surprise…

**A/N:** I swear, each time I even _think_ about the Mary Sue within this story my brain sheds IQ points. See, im alredy tlaking lyke dis. I do have loads of fun writing this, though. Hopefully it won't all be for naught and people will like what I do.

**Actual Review Responses:**

raputathebuta I would love it if Kripke did something like that, too. It would be right up there with Tall Tales in terms of craziness! Hope deansmyhunkyxo19 hasn't let you down with this next chapter.

FireZombie I'm so glad that you liked it. Sorry that I didn't bring John around in this chapter, but I promise that I will dedicate the one where he comes in to you.

Sam: (eats chocolate cookie) Yum. Thanks! So happy you liked the story.

Ghostwriter Heh, I almost always accidentally make my females Mary Sues, but thank God I have down-to-earth friends who tell me that they hate them…


	3. Bring in the Cavalry

**Supernatural Meets Sue-pernatural**

A Mary-Sue Parody by Cassie Winchester

**The Road So Far:** Bobby has discovered a magical purple fuzzy diary in the possession of his deceased hunter friend. He brings it to Sam and Dean, with the hopes that they can find out whatever dark object it is and destroy it. However, a certain curious Winchester duo manage to open and read the Mary Sue fic inside, inciting chaos and mayhem. After the second chapter was read, Ellen Harvelle has joined the unlucky trio. What will happen next?

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Supernatural. I don't own Supernatural. I don't own Supernatural (clicks heels and is transported to the Supernatural set). All I own are the following: deansmyhunkyxo19 (bleh), Roxanne the Mary Sue, and Cindy and Mindy, the psychic twins. What on earth have I unleashed?

Enjoy, my darlings.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

**Chapter Three: Bring in the Cavalry**

Suddenly there came a sharp rap on the motel door, and all three of them jumped out of their skins.

"I'll get it, it's probably my large Philly Cheesesteak pizza," Dean practically sprinted to the front door. He opened it without looking out the peephole and who he saw there made him temporarily lose his manners. "What are _**you**_ doing here?"

"Is that a way to greet your guest, Dean?" Ellen Harvelle was standing in the doorway. Ho boy, was she in for a surprise…

"Ellen!" Sam gasped, completely thrown off guard. Either this was really, really bad timing on Ellen's part or she was going to save the day. Either way, they weren't going to let her leave the motel room, not if they could help it.

Both Sam and Bobby stood up and walked towards the door, where Dean had ushered Ellen inside. He peered out the door hopefully, as if expecting the pizza delivery guy to be lurking behind the particularly unattractive plastic plant across the hallway. Bobby reached over and shut the door with a snap, nearly separating Dean's head from his shoulders in the process. Dean sulked moodily, taking the moment to glare at the back of Bobby's head.

"Ellen," Sam said again, peering at her curiously. "What exactly are you doing here? How did you know where to come?" Bobby shuffled his feet behind Sam's back.

Ellen gave Sam a curious look, frowning slightly. "What are you talking about? I thought you wanted me here? Bobby texted me and told me that you needed… Oh…" comprehension dawned on her face, and she, Sam, and Dean swiveled to face Bobby. Rather than look abashed, he shrugged his shoulders.

"You boys needed help," he stated simply, gesturing towards the coffee table in the sitting area, where the fluffy purple abomination of a fan fiction sat innocently. Sam, Dean, and Bobby shivered simultaneously. "We _all_ do. Besides, the more people there are to read, the better chance we have of destroying the foul diary. Ellen's here to help."

"We don't _need_ help," Dean muttered stubbornly, making his way to the couch and flopping down on it, arms crossed. The absence of food was really doing a number to his manners. Ha. Dean, manners? Yeah, right.

Ellen shot a look at Dean, whose pout seemed to drag down his entire face, and looked at Sam and Bobby. "Well, boys, what's the problem? Start from the beginning."

Sam, Bobby, and Dean immediately starting talking, voices overlapping each others' as they attempted to explain the whole story to Ellen.

"Bobby called us this morning to show us this thing he found—" Sam began, before being cut off by Bobby.

"I had found a possibly dangerous artifact left in a deceased friend of mine's possession—"

Dean cut in, "It's fuzzy. And purple. And absolutely _horrible_," he emphasized, shuddering. He held up the book. Its golden script, _My Diary_, glinted in a foreboding way. Ellen gingerly took it as if expecting it to bite. "Plus, it talked about—"

"…It's a fan fiction by deansmyhunkyxo19. All it talks about is this girl named Roxxie and—"

"…They made me read it first—"

"…I'm scarred for life, that last daydream sex scene with Dean and that Mary Sue girl was a traumatizing experience—"

"…Sammich! She called me _Sammich!"_ Sam cried, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth.

"…hey, that's not as bad as Deany Beany. Plus, you don't have a stripper huntress Mary Sue who you want to suck—"

"… well I had to read the worst part, you two, it's not like you had to read the part where Dean puts his hands up her—"

"_**ENOUGH**_!" Ellen's voice rang out like a gunshot, ricocheting around the small motel room and startling the three men into stunned silence. Her hands were held up high in the air, one of them clutching the purple notebook. There was a look of utter exasperation on her face as she turned to scold each and every one of them.

"Sam, I'm sorry honey, but there are bigger problems in the world than bein' called 'Sammich'," Ellen declared, managing to keep a straight face as she pronounced deansmyhunkyxo19's favorite nickname for Sam. "And Dean, I personally find it amazing that your personal love life has managed to find its way into some crazed fangirl's fan fiction. It's quite disgusting, really." Sam shot Dean a satisfied smirk. Dean punched him in the arm.

"And _you_," Ellen rounded on Bobby, waggling a finger under his nose. Bobby, for the record, looked very scared. "Callin' me out here for no good reason. The only reason you even _wanted _me here is so I could keep an eye on these two—" she jabbed a thumb towards the two squabbling Winchester siblings.

"Would it matter if I said I called you because I enjoy your company?" Bobby wheedled.

"No," Ellen said flatly. Bobby tried to smile and failed miserably. It looked more like a grimace. "Now," she said in a calm voice, sitting down on a chair opposite the couch and placing the fan fiction on the coffee table. "Tell me what happened, from the beginning."

Reluctantly, the threesome recalled every detail of the horrible story, even pausing to flip through the pages of the atrocity and quote some of the lines written by deansmyhunkyxo19. By the end, Ellen looked very nauseated indeed.

"So you see why I had to text you?" Bobby implored, closing the diary with a snap and flinging it disgustedly on the coffee table. "We need all the help we can get to destroy this monster."

Dean handed the diary to Ellen, eyes wide and innocent. "Ellen," he said in a pained voice, with an almost sincere look of sympathy on his face, "I'm sorry but—" he broke off to sigh dramatically. Curling Ellen's trembling fingers around the spine of the journal, he continued, "… newcomers read. That's the rule." Ellen nodded, looking like she would rather have been sentenced to death by lethal injection.

Sam's jaw dropped. "Since when did we make up that rule?" he hissed at Dean while Ellen forced herself to open the cover of the book. "You _know _that it's your turn next, you jerk!"

"Bitch," Dean returned, ignoring Sam's very good point; he turned eagerly to Ellen, who steeled herself before looking down at the doomsday diary. She stood up so everyone could hear her better when she read.

"This is a mistake, I should never have come," she whispered to herself, eyes closed, before beginning.

_Hey hey there. Deansmyhunkyxo19 again. Yeyyy third cahpter. excitemint much? yeah. so, got a cupple reviews and sum bithc thougt she could flames me, but I showed her (see my revew reply, it's really kickassed). Review mah story or die!! Have fun reading teh story, I worked real hards. Oh, nd BTW propz to samsasexybeeyotch for co-writing Cindy n Mindy. yule see who they are in a sec. _

"Oh. My. God," Ellen's eyes were practically popping out of her skull. She slumped into her chair, still staring at the first paragraph she read. "Do I… I have to actually _read_ this garbage?" she whispered, looking faint.

Bobby patted her back consolingly as Dean, smugger than ever before, grinned at her and wiggled his eyebrows. "Yep," he said, barely containing his glee.

Sam, peeking out from behind his favored sofa pillow, smiled apologetically at the woman, before crouching behind it once more.

_Rise of Da Huntress_

_Chap 3:So the Winchestas needed to do some explainin' to teh poor Roxxy, who wuz scared._

"_Whatsa werevamp?" Roxxie pleaded with Dean, who swooned once more just because she was a sexy wildcat. "You needs to tell me!"_

_Sam sighe d an said in a bitchy voice, "Fine, but shaddup. I need to tinkle."_

Dean grabbed a pillow and covered his face, trying to stifle the uproarious laughter that was spewing out of his mouth like lava. "_Ohgod_, 'tinkle' '_**Tinkle**_" he whacked Sam's shoulder and closed his eyes, shaking with mirth. The story had barely started and already deansmyhunkyxo19 was hitting Sam below the belt. It an alternate universe, Dean might actually like this broad, whoever she was.

Sam's eye twitched, but he otherwise remained calm, turning to face Ellen and saying in a dignified voice, "Continue, if you please." He then proceeded to attempt to smother Dean with the pillow.

_(A/N: Whoops! I meant, 'Think!' Tink, not tinkle. Hee tee, that would be funny.) Anyhoo, Dean reached between da seats and pistol-whipped Sam (he loves pistol whipping he younger bro, it's like a bonding thing. sooo cute.). "You dun not tell Roxxie my love to shadup. You shutup, Tinkle Winkly." Sammich whimpered in teh back seat, stars dancing before his eyeballs._

Dean didn't trust himself to speak. He could practically hear his skull cracking from the effort to keep his laughter in check. Sam's eye was seemingly twitching in time to a fast-paced foxtrot and his jaw was clenched tight. Bobby was watching the spectacle amusedly. He seemed to be enjoying himself; he figured that deansmyhunkyxo19 wasn't going to bring him into her story any time soon.

"_Awwwwwwwwwww!!!11111" Roxxie cooed softly, before jumping Dean and laying a big wet French on his sexxy moth. The car swerveid in and out of the other land but luckily there was not a traffic in site. _

_They humped a little bit before heating it up (Dean could drive with his knees, so it dudun't matter weather he could see out tha windows to drive). They ripped off each other's shirts and Dean threw Roxxie down on the pasenger seat, drinking her half-nekkid body in with his blue eyez. He then lowered his mouth to her…_

Ellen broke off, eyes widening and face reddening as her eyes quickly scanned the next page and a half of the fanfic. Her mouth dropped open. Sam and Bobby both put their fingers in their ears and shrank away from the enraged Mrs. Harvelle, ready for the explosion.

"Dean, you **scoundrel**!!!" Ellen cried in fury, raising the diary and starting to whack Dean over the head with it. She beaned him right on the back of his head. Amid Dean's cries of pain you could hear Ellen yelling, "Disgusting!" **Whack!** "Horrible!" **Whack!** "Despicable!" **Whack!** "What would—" **Whack!** "…your father—" **Whack!** "…think!" **Whack!**

"A little help here, guys!" Dean cried, hurriedly jumping up out of the sofa as Ellen chased him around the room, yelling threats and beating every square inch of him she could reach.

Bobby started playing Bejeweled 2 on his cell phone. Sam took the opportunity to take Dean's empty spot and stretch out his lanky body over the sofa. He sighed in satisfaction and closed his eyes, taking a short catnap. Bliss. The only sounds that broke the silence were loud smacks that the diary made on Dean's head, punctuated by Dean's frequent cries of pain and the beeping of Bobby's cell phone as he went into round 3 of Bejeweled.

"Ellen," Sam said lazily, after a couple of minutes, opening one eye. "Ellen, it's just a book. It's a work of fiction, fan fiction. It's not real." He threw a grin at Dean's crouching figure, hiding behind a coat rack as Ellen attempted to grab him.

At Sam's soothing words, Ellen's eyes widened and she shook her head, apparently coming out of a trance. "Goodness," she said, looking down at the diary with a new kind of fear, "This story makes you… Do things. Sorry honey," she added to Dean, offering a hand to pull him up. Dean whimpered and shrank away from her touch. Imagine what Ellen would have done if Dean had asked Jo out? He'd probably be six feet under at this point.

"You're not going to hit me again, are you?" Dean asked tremulously from his position behind the coat rack.

_Whoa. That scene suprised even me! Very hawt and sexxy!!! Dean's so flexible, too! Specially that part with his foot and her tungue. I had to look through my friend's smutty novils to come up with a good sexy scenee. Anyways…!_

_Sammich wuz curled up in da back seat, hand over his big ears and eyes screwed up tight. The intense sceen of lovemaking seemed ot have broken him, he was shaking all over and whispering, "Jackrabbit. Jackrabbit." Over and over, like a crazy psychic psicho. Pore kid. He's such a prude. Probly a virgin too. But we;ll take care of that shortly, donot worry._

"I'm _not_ a prude!" Sam cried defiantly, throwing his hands in the air. "For heaven's sake, I had sex with a _werewolf!_ I'm **not** a virgin, for the last time!"

"Of course not, dear," Ellen said soothingly.

Dean snorted, although he flinched when Ellen shot him a warning look. "What? He _is_ a prude. The guy doesn't even _look_ at dirty magazines. Thinks that it demeans women or something pansy like that."

"Well, it _does,_" Sam pouted stubbornly, gripping his pillow firmly in front of him and crossing his arms.

"When you boys are finished deciding who's a feminist," Bobby gruffly interrupted, "We'll continue on with the story." He turned to Dean and Sam in turn and gave them each his patented "shut up **now**" look.

"_Wowsa," Dean said as he and Roxxy baksed in the afterglow of their lovemaking. he wuz still driving with his knees."That was friggin hawt, baby," he purred and stroked her sweaty pink and blue-tinted with blonde curls foreheat. _

"_Thx," roxxie replied, kissing his rock-hard muscley chest and pulling on her chanel cream-colored wraparound sweater. For a stripper, Roxxy was loaded with $$cash money, so she could always buy desiner clothing. "Now wat were u saying about da werevamps?" She was asking Sammich now, curled up in a teensy weensy ball in the backa the stupid black crap car Dean drives._

Dean's blood pressure was through the roof. "For the _last friggin' time!_" He roared, throwing his hands in the air, "My car is a freaking **hot rod!** Chicks _dig_ muscle cars!"

"Denial," Bobby and Sam said together, rolling their eyes.

_Sam's eyeballs twitched as he said in a bland voyce: "Werevamps are a cros between werewolfs and vampyres. They are really rare; on ly 1 can live on earth a time. They are ALSo very verry very verry powerful. Very. Like Darth Vader on crack. Or, you know, like Neo from The Chex Mix."_

"It's _The __Matrix_" Sam snarled, gripping his poor pillow tightly.

"_Ima monstah!" Roxxie sobbed for teh second time that day. "And I cain't die! Tell me more, Sammeh." Dean huggled her like a big ole teddy bear and she felt a little better._

"Sooo, teddy bear," Sam said in the most irritating voice, poking Dean in the ribs, "Why don't you give me a hug?" Dean smacked Sam's hand away, positively livid. This diary was really getting to them.

"Why don't I give you a kick in the ass instead?" Dean started forward and Bobby had to intervene. Ellen kept on reading like nothing had happened.

"_Soes, oh noes, your a werevamp," sam cried. tears fell down his face like Viagra falls._

"_Way to point out the opvious, n00b," Dean whacked Sam over teh head once more for good measure. Haha pwned._

"_Now we go to the physic twins so they can read yer fortune," Sammich sighed testily, eyes outta focus. maybe he had a concushion. Coking his head to the side, he wenton, "Theyll know wat to do. Plus they;re really hawt." (A/N: I smell potensh love in the air, rite?)_

"Potensh?" Ellen cried, outraged. She threw the book down on the coffee table in distaste. "That's not even a word!"

"Welcome to the world of Mary Sue-dom," Dean said in a bored voice. "Where anything goes and nothing is held sacred. You've read the stuff deansmyhunkyxo19 has forced me to do!" He shuddered. "Even _I've_ never done all the stuff she's written."

"How do you know she's a… well… _she?_" Bobby questioned, looking curious. "For all we know it could be some guy with a really sketchy fetish with Dean." Sam threw Dean a wicked look.

"Oh, great, Bobby," Dean said hollowly, "That makes me feel _loads_ better, now that I know that deansmyhunkyxo19 could be some weird forty-year-old guy sitting in front of his fluffy purple diary, writing pornographic fanfiction about me and my brother. Dude probably lives at home with his mother in the basement. I don't think that I'm ever going to sleep soundly again, knowing that that perv is still out there somewhere, writing about the carnal deeds I perform with the fictional slut-whore Roxanne."

Somehow, everyone thought that this was funny. Laughter soon filled the musty motel room; it was nervous laughter, but genuine all the same. Even Dean joined in, once he had calmed down a bit. When they had quieted, the atmosphere of the room was a little less tense. Too bad it wasn't going to last.

_So soon the ugly car that Dean drives made its way to wherever teh hell those physic twinz lived (A/N: I don't really care, I'm not good with geology, you know, maps and stuffs)._

"She means _geography,_ of course," Sam mumbled loftily.

_They pulled in front of a hugeish mansion type thing, like the Playboy mansion slash Haunted mansion. These physic twinz were loaded with dough, and tey lived alone together in this huge old house. _

_Everybuddy got out of the bucket of rusty bolts on wheels (the car, you stupids) and heading up to the front of the house, where Dean raised his hand to knock on the door. BOOM BOOM BOOM the nocks echoed into the nihgt (it was still night time, only 10:30 or somthign.) _

"_Hellooooo?" a sweet, sexy voice called out from inside da hizzouse. The door opened and two pares of bright green eyes peeked out from within. _

_Teh door opened compelety and out strode two identical twins, who looked to be related. _

"_No…_ **Really? **Related? You don't say," Bobby snorted sarcastically, rolling his eyes skyward. "Twins that _aren't_ related. That I'd like to see."

_Sam gapsed and fell twitching to da ground, they were so pretty. They were __**NOT**__ as gorgeous as Roxxy, but combined they were a pretty damn close. They had startlingingly green eyes and long curly raven black hair that reached there butts. They're skin was pale, like milk and they were petite but well formed. Sam knew dis was lurve at first sight, yo!_

"_Methinks this is lurve at first sight, yo!" Sam wailed dramaticly._

"I think that I'm going to puke, yo!" Sam choked out, really looking pale. He passed a trembling hand over his face.

"Too many yos, yo!" Dean retorted sarcastically.

"Erm, oh-kay," Ellen said, watching the overuse of a word that technically wasn't a word with mild interest. "Let's get back to the story now… _yo_," she finished lamely. She paused awkwardly before returning to the text.

"_My namez Cindy," said the one on the lft. "Und this is Mindy." she pointed to the one on the right. "We're identical twins."_

"We've already… Oh, forget it!" Bobby muttered, slapping a hand to his forehead in exasperation.

"_You have cometh to see the truth, hath thou not?" said Mindy. She beckon'd them inside the _maison_ (A/N: that's French for 'house,' n00bs. Just like _merde_ is French for 'shit'.)_

_Anyhoo, Roxxie and Dean (holding hands, awwww!!!!11) and Sam too went to teh large fortune telling room, where da christal ball was. THE ROOM WAS REALLY REALY DARK AND SMELLED LIKE FRANKINSENSE AND YELANG YELYANG. WHICH SMELLS REALLY GOOD. _

"Urgh," Ellen paused, squinting at the text and holding the book as far away from her face as she could. "The text is all in caps. It's harder to read."

_(A/N: OH SHITZ. SRY EVERYBUDDY MEH COMPUTER IS BEING A PAIN IN TEH ASS. I WAS DRINKING SODAH AND SPILED, NOW THE CAPS LOCK ISA STUCK. WHOPS. FACEPALM)_

_TEH HAWT TWINS WERE IN MATCHING RED OUTFIST, A BIKINI TOP WITH A REALY SHORT SILK SKIRT. DATS WAT PHYSICS WORE THESE DAYZ._

"Must you shout like that, Ellen?" Sam whined, hands over his ears. It was true, Ellen was, in fact, yelling.

"I'm sorry, boys," Ellen apologized. "It's just that, when people write in capital letters, they usually translate into shouting. I'll try to keep my voice down. Besides, it's not my fault that deansmyhunkyxo19 decided to spill coke on her keyboard."

"Too bad she wasn't electrocuted in the process," Dean huffed grumpily.

"_SOO," SAID CINDY, OR MAYBE MINDY. "WHO IS IT WHO WANTS FORTUNES TOLDETH?"_

_SAMMEH AND DEANY BABY BOTH POINTED 2 ROXXIE. "SHE DOES" THEY SAID. _

_THE PHYSICS GAPSED. "COULD DOTH IT BE?" ASKED MINDY. "I TINKLE SO!" CRIED CINDY IN A HUSHED TONE. _

"_SIDDOWN," CINDY OFFERED, BUSHING UP A CHAIR FOR ROXXIE. "WE NEED TO SEE-ETH YOUR FORTOON AT ONCE, PLZ."_

"_OK," ROXXY SAID, A LITTLE SCARED. SHE FLUTTERED HER EYELASHED AT DEAN, WHO WANTED TO JUMP HER AGAIN AND BANG HER INTO TEH NEXT DIMENSION. BUT THAT COULD WAIT. _

"Okay, that is just wayyyy too much info for me, prude that I am," Sam groaned, shooting Dean a disgusted look. "I _so_ preferred it when I was kept in the dark about Dean's love life. This is enough to make anyone want to join the Catholic Church."

"You know," Dean said quite seriously, "You would make a very good nun, come to think of it." He turned to Bobby, still maintaining a straight face while ignoring Sam's attempts to choke him. "Think of it, Bobby. Sister Sam. Or better yet, Mother Superior Samantha. Bet he'd look great in those little nun habits too…"

Sam seemed to be having a coronary while trying to reach Dean. Dean jumped out of his chair and out of reach, smirking so much that his eyes were practically slits. Bobby pushed Sam back down onto the couch before he could cause any damage to himself or to Dean.

"Easy there, son," Bobby said, winking at Sam. "Besides, we all know that Dean would make the better drag queen." Dean's smug face fell to the floor with a crash.

"_WE MUST LOOK-ETH INTO THE CRYSTIL BALL NOW," CINDY AND MINTY SAID TOGETHER. THEY STARED. _

_SUDDENLY, THEY BOTH GAPSED, FACES PALE. "OHMIGOD-ETH!" MINDY SHRIEKED, AND FELL OVER IN A STONE COLD FEINT. _

"_WAT IS IT? WHAT DID YOU SEE, PHYSIC?" ROXXY CRIED, SCARED. _

"Thank god that was over," Ellen said, heart beating a little faster than normal.

"That's… that's it?" Sam asked in a hopeful tone. "You're joking."

"Well, technically, the chapter is over. Way to make a cliffhanger," Ellen wryly assessed, turning the pages over in her hands and shaking her head. "I pity this poor girl's existence. She was obviously a serious accident when she came into being."

"There's usually an author's note," Bobby pointed out, looking over Ellen's shoulder. "Yeah, there it is," he pointed to the bottom of the lavender-colored diary page. Ellen cleared her throat and continued half-heartedly.

_YAY CLIFFHANGER. WAT DID THE TWINZ SEE? WAIT AND FIND OUT NEXT CHAP. THAT SEXY SEX SCENE WITH DEANY BABY AND ROXXIE WAS HAWT, HAWT, SMOKINGGG! YOU WILL SEE A LOTSA MORE IN DA FUTURE, MAYBE ONE PER CHAPTER._. EVEN TWOo!

"Nnnnooooooooooooo!" Dean wailed, beating his hands against the sofa. "Why me? Why? Why am I cursed with such good looks and sexual prowess?"

Sam made an indiscernible "Humph" in reply.

_OKAYYYY, ON TO REVIWS.: (I HAVE A NEW REVEW SISTEM FOR ALL MAH REVIEW. YOU'LL SEE)_

_**PRETTYSPARKLESPRINCESS:**__ THX FOR THE TWICE REVIEW. IT MADE MEH DAY. I GIVE YOU A __**HUG**_

_**SAMSASEXYBEEYOTCH:**__ I TINK PPL ARE REELY GONNA LIKE CINDY AND MINTY, YOU MADE THEM REALLY COOL. HOPES YOU WILL WRITE NEXT CHAPPIE W/ME TO. I GIVE YOU A __**HUG**_

"Oh, no," Sam whispered from behind his hands. "That means…"

"That means that you'll be getting your own smutty Mc-smut smut _lurrrve_ scene sooner or later," Dean cooed in a singsong voice.

"Lord help us," Bobby pleaded.

"No, scratch that," Ellen corrected. "At this point, I'll take Maury."

_**BOOKWORM81818:**__ YOU SUCK. STOPP BEYING A BITHC. SO WAT IF I MAKE U SICK? U R JUST GELLOUS OF MY MAD RIGHTING SKILLZ. I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP, OR CRITISISSIM OR HOWEVER U SPELL IT.CHAT SPEK ROCKZ. SAMMICH AND DEANY BEANY ROCKZ. I TAKE UR DICTIONARY AND SPIT ON IT. PTOOEY. I GIVE YOU DA __**FINGER**_

_**MYLITTLE PONEY:**__ I THINKZ ROXXY IS SO COOL TO. GLAD U LIKE HER, ME TO! AND DEAN IS SO SEXY, RITE? I GIVE YOU A __**HUG**_

"She's got a very good point," Dean said, gloating and pretending to admire himself from all angles. "Dean _is_ sexy."

"_Dean_ also refers to himself in the third person," Sam hotly returned. "The only people who do that are the criminally insane or egotistical celebrities."

"Who says that Dean's not a little bit of both?" Dean threw Sam a charismatic smile and winked annoyingly.

Ellen gently sat the journal back down on the coffee table and hastily took a few steps back. She screwed up her eyes and rubbed her forehead. "I want to get that mental image out of my mind forever."

"That's kinda going to be hard to do," Bobby said gruffly. He awkwardly patted her on the back in what he hoped was a soothing way. "Dean," he said sharply. Dean jumped.

Dean was inching towards the motel door, hoping that no one would notice him. "What? Just going to get some, ah, fresh air is all." He grinned innocently. No one was fooled.

Sam picked up the fuzzy purple fanfiction and chucked it at Dean, who barely caught it. Bobby grabbed Dean by the scruff of the neck.

"Oh, no, sonny," he growled menacingly, shaking Dean slightly. "You have to suffer like the rest of us. You're reading. No ifs, ands, or buts, boy." He jabbed Dean hard in the ribs. "Got it?" Dean nodded. "Now sit. **Read,**" Bobby commanded.

"Yes, sir," Dean said meekly, returning to his spot by the sofa and slumping resignedly.

"And don't call me sir," Bobby ordered, bushy eyebrows raised.

"Yes, ma'am."

**A/N:** Whew! It took a new kind of energy trying to make sense of where this story is heading. To be honest, when I started this I had no idea where it was going, I just wrote it because it was funny. I guess that now I've learned that people actually appreciate it a little, I'm making more of an effort to make a plot in there… somewhere… I think.

And in case you didn't catch it, all those extra –eths that were floating around when Mindy and Cindy were talking was me poking fun at Shakespearian language.

_**I need help, guys.**_ It would make the story so much better with the following:

**A.** When you review, review both the story (mine) and the fic within the fic (deansmyhunkyxo19's). When you review hers, you can make up your screennames and flame it or love it. I'd love if some of you could take the time to do that…

**B.** I got this idea from alsdssg's _Why Canon and Fanon Don't Mix_, so 100 credit to her for this idea: **hacks**. I would love someone to write hacks for deansmyhunkyxo19's _Rise of the Huntress, _meaning you "hack" into her account and write your own version of the next chapter. You can kill her and her Mary-Sue friends in every gruesome way possible, and I will incorporate that story into the actual story. If you're interested, PM me the hack and I'll use it with credit to your penname.

**Review Responses:**

Wow, thanks, guys! I got 14 more reviews with the second chapter. What really keeps me going is your positive feedback, so _muchas gracias_ and _merci beaucoup_ and _xie xie_ (Chinese for thank-you).

Sam: Glad you think so, I worked on making it something that was funny _and_ readable. And I hate those Mary Sues out there too, especially in Supernatural or Harry Potter or whatever.

Flaming Telepaths: Hope this chapter was to your satisfaction, I'm glad that you liked deansmyhunkyxo19's fic, I tried to make it as nonsensical as possible

Mummyluvr: I've never read "Nevermore" but now that you mention it, I just might… And no, the journal won't be doing any Ellen/Dean shipping, not if I can help it!!

raputathebuta: Glad this made you laugh; I can say with all due modesty that it made me laugh too, when I re-read it… Here's another chapter for you.

Ghostwriter: Thanks!

winchesters.r.hot: Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I can't let Dean & Sam waste Roxxy until the later chapters, but I promise you that sooner or later it will happen! Maybe you could write a hack for me.

psyChic: Heh "I got a lightbulb!" seems to be one of my better lines. Ellen will most likely be bashed in deansmyhunkyxo19's _Rise of the Huntress_. It will get interesting…

beautiful dreamere: Thanks! I love making people laugh.

Hazgarn: _Merci_ and hope you like this chapter as well.

FireZombie: I love calling Sam Sammich, I have no idea why. But it sounds like something a Mary Suethor would write, so I used it in the pretend fic. Those names make me giggle, too.

Bookworm81818: Hey. I don't think that I will be updating _Hunter's Moon_ for the obvious reason that this fic will be taking up a lot of my time. And I love that you flamed deansmyhunkyxo19, because it makes the fake fic more authentic (if that's even possible). Maybe you could write a hack, too.


	4. In Which Dean Gets His Comeuppance

**Supernatural Meets Sue-pernatural**

A Mary-Sue Parody by Cassie Winchester

**The Road So Far:** Bobby discovered a mysterious and dark purple fuzzy journal in the possession of a deceased hunter. He takes it to the Winchester boys in the hopes that they can help him discover the dark nature of the book and destroy it. The troublesome trio get hopelessly entangled in the Mary Sue fic contained inside the demonic journal, and it becomes clear that they are in way over their heads. Ellen is called in to join in the fight.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Sam, Dean, Bobby, Ellen, or anything Supernatural related. When I start earning enough income, I will work on purchasing the entire franchise. For now, however, my options are limited to writing parody fan fiction about the show.

I do own the following: deansmyhunkyxo19 and her BFFL samsasexybeeyotch, Roxxie/Roxxy, and Cindy & Mindy the physic twinz. I'm going to need therapy by the time this is through.

As always, enjoy and keep it real.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

**Chapter 4: In Which Dean Gets His Comeuppance**

Sam picked up the fuzzy purple fanfiction and chucked it at Dean, who barely caught it. Bobby grabbed Dean by the scruff of the neck.

"Oh, no, sonny," he growled menacingly, shaking Dean slightly. "You have to suffer like the rest of us. You're reading. No ifs, ands, or buts, boy." He jabbed Dean hard in the ribs. "Got it?" Dean nodded. "Now sit. **Read,**" Bobby commanded.

"Yes, sir," Dean said meekly, returning to his spot by the sofa and slumping resignedly.

"And don't call me sir," Bobby ordered, bushy eyebrows raised.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Don't be a smartass, Dean, just read the damn thing." Bobby sat back down in his chair across from the sofa in the designated reading room, also known as the motel's living area.

"Aye, aye," Dean said waspishly, saluting Captain Bobby; however, he looked a bit pale at the thought that it was finally his turn to read…

Sam was on the edge of his seat. He was _so_ looking forward to this. Whipping out his camera phone, he snapped a few pictures of Dean's apprehensive face. The flash went off brightly and Dean cringed.

"Hey!" Dean shouted, throwing his hands up in front of his face. "No paparazzi!"

"This one's going to be my wallpaper," Sam grinned, holding the cell phone out of Dean's reach and pocketing it.

Ellen sighed testily, shifting position in her chair. "Dean," she said quite calmly. "The sooner you finish reading, the sooner you can eat."

Dean's ears perked up like a dog's at the mention of food. Clearing his throat with gusto, he cracked open the purple demonic diary of doom. His hands trembling slightly, he flipped to the next chapter, where words were already magically forming across the page.

"You know, I think that I might need a drink before I start," Dean said hastily, sitting up and making towards the kitchen. He hacked and wheezed a little bit for emphasis, pointing at his throat. Edging towards the door and crossing his fingers behind his back, he went on, "Got a dry throat. Real dry. Parched. Can't have that when I'm reading—"

"Oh, no you don't!" Sam roared as Dean made a break for it. He tackled his brother 'round the knees, rugby style. With a crunch and a yelp, Dean went down. The two of them went crashing into the entertainment centre and the diary was jostled out of Dean's grip.

The book went flying, spinning end over end as if in slow motion… Ellen and Bobby rushed forwards in the hopes of catching it before it fell… and it clobbered Bobby smack dab in the middle of the forehead. There was a flash of white light and a sound like a gunshot. Everyone threw their arms over their eyes to shield them from the sudden blast. When the light vanished and the smoke cleared, Bobby was on the ground, down for the count. There was a brilliantly purple bruise already beginning to form on his forehead.

Sam and Dean instantly stopped their scuffle. Both of them stood up sheepishly.

"Bobby!" Ellen cried, hurrying over and checking the man's neck for a pulse. She lifted Bobby's eyelids and tutted loudly. "Look what you boys have done now! You've knocked Bobby unconscious!"

"Oh, no," Sam covered his mouth with a trembling hand. He rounded on Dean. "You selfish coward! You can take on vampires, poltergeists, and reanimated corpses, but you can't handle a purple _book?"_

"A purple _fuzzy_ book," Dean corrected, as if that made any difference. "And besides, it's not like it's _any_ old book. We don't even know what exactly it is! Look what it did to Bobby!"

Behind him, Ellen dragged Bobby's prone body out of the way and covered him with a checkered quilt, tucking the edges in. She turned to the two Winchesters, holding up a hand to silence their bickering.

"He'll be fine," she sighed. "I think that the book was trying to protect itself and its energy somehow knocked Bobby out."

The three of them turned to stare at the purple fan fiction. It sat ominously on the floor, golden engraving twinkling up at them. Ellen reached down, hesitating only for a second, and gingerly picked up the diary. She pressed it gently into Dean's grip.

"You know what Bobby would have wanted us to do," she reminded Dean, whose eye twitched. "He would have wanted us to go on."

The foursome now down to three, Ellen, Sam, and Dean took their respective seats and Dean cleared his throat for the second time.

"Round 4, ding!" Sam muttered under his breath, choosing his favorite pillow and cowering behind it, ready for the ordeal to begin.

_Yo. It be deansmyhunkyxo bitchez!! time for chappiter 4. pluss my computer gots fixed. Turns out ur not supposed to eat food or stuff when on the copmuter. so stoopid, like why not, you can't eat or drink? dipshit copmutre. _

_I gotsa lotsa more reviewsa. some were flamez. I told you azzhols to STOP FLAMEZ ME!!!! So shit up!_

_Now onto mah story. Buh buy. _

Ellen let out a deep breath as Dean read this, and Sam whimpered. The only thing you could see was the top of his hair peeking out over the pillow and his white-knuckled hands. Ellen looked like she had just watched someone get sick. There was a mixture of nauseation and disgust written across her face, but she passed a hand over her clammy face and managed to hide the more extreme of her emotions.

Dean's usually cocky demeanor seemed to have cracked and he had to close his eyes for a second to calm himself before continuing.

_rise of teh Huntrezz_

_chaptyr 4: _

_so's, where we left off last wuz when Mindy and Cindy were telling Roxxy's fortoon. Dean was like, "whoa" and roxxy was like "whoa" and Mindy and Cindy were like "whoa." whoa, wait, I'm 4getting someone. Who? I forgit. _

"**Me,** maybe?" Sam said indignantly. "Why is it that Dean is portrayed as such a man-whore while I'm just sorta…" he waved his hand in the air, looking for a good word. "..there. I'm the butt of every joke."

"Uh, _yeah_, pretty much," Dean replied, not even taking his eyes off the text. "And I'm _not_ a man-whore. I prefer the term 'sexually experienced.'"

Sam gave an unmistakably derisive snort, but let the subject drop.

_Anyhoo. they don't matter. mindy fainted. Sam gapsed and rushed over, giving her CPR. he ended up frenching her too, it just sorta happened. the twinz were good kissers, even when one were unconshish. His tongue pocked into her mouth like a warm snake and it wriggled in her—_

"Okay, that is just about the _grossest_ analogy that I have ever heard!" Dean interrupted, sticking out his tongue experimentally and gagging. "That's just… Disturbing. On so many levels." He shuddered.

Ellen's eyes were wide and she was looking at Sam as if he was something nasty she stepped in. Dean stared at Sam as well, edging away like he had some kind of disease. Sam shifted uncomfortably in his seat for a few moments as his two companions stared at him.

"What?" He burst out at last, eyes shifting between his brother and Ellen.

"Nothing," Ellen quickly looked away, although she still looked sick. Her face was white and her hands were clasped tightly in her lap. "Continue, Dean, before my breakfast makes an unpleasant appearance." Dean scootched away from Ellen with a frightened look in her direction and continued his narration.

_Mindy came to. "Ohmigod, Sam." Her green eyes sparklied and Sam wanted to jump her and hump her like an animal. "You saved my life!!!" She gave him a shy kiss on the cheek and Sammich turned redder than red. which was cuter than cute (tho not as cute as Dean. But deany beany's not that kind of cute. He's more sexy-hawt-cute than cute wittle fuzzy monkey cute, like Sammich is.) Sammich is a cute wittle fuzzy monkee._

"Hey monkey boy," Dean said quite seriously. "Mind if you swing over to the kitchen and grab me a beer?"

"Anything to get out of here," Sam muttered, completely ignoring Dean's snide remark. Standing up, he hurried out of the living room. They could hear him tinkering around the kitchen from where they were sitting.

"Sam, sweetie?" Ellen called, pinning her arms and holding them to her sides. They heard a muffled reply. "Grab me one too. I need a pick-me-up."

Sam soon returned with three frosty beers clutched in his trembling hands. He tossed one to each of his respective companions before flopping down on the sofa. The three simultaneously cracked open their alcoholic beverages and took swigs.

"Ahhhh," Dean sighed happily, sinking back into his sofa seat and wiping his mouth. "If I can't have pizza for breakfast, I can always have beer. Two of the three food groups."

"Oh yeah?" Sam raised a sardonic eyebrow. "What's the third group, then?"

"Bacon grease," Dean said mildly, before turning a page in the diary.

_Cindy wuz mad cuz Mindy kissed the wittle fuzzy monkey (A/N: AKA Sammich!!!1!). She punched her sister outta teh way and threw her arms around Sam's nick. "Thankyouthankyou," she whispered into his hair. She gave him a kiss on his other hceek. "You savied mah sisteh." _

_Sam made a wierd gurgling noise and keeld over. he wuz redder than red and passed out from all teh kisses. Poor baby, can't handel so much hawt girliness._

Sam made a weird gurgling noise and started banging his head against the coffee table. "Stupid! Stupid! I should never have agreed to this!" Dean made no move to stop his brother from beating himself up, so Ellen grabbed Sam's shoulders and wrestled him back into his sofa seat.

"Hon," Ellen looked into his eyes and said in the most calm voice she could muster, given the circumstances, "It is not your fault that deansmyhunkyxo19 is such a disgusting perverted person. It's okay, sweetie." She stroked his hair and hugged him. After a moment or two, they let go, and Sam sniffed.

"Thanks, Ellen," Sam smiled tremulously, without a trace of embarrassment. "I needed that."

"Touching as that whole scene was, Snuggles, we still got a whole six pages to complete," Dean shot at his little brother a little more sarcastically than he could have been. He seemed to take Ellen's hug to Sam as a slight, and was pouting.

_Dean cleares his sexy throat with a sexy cough. Roxxy turned to him and gave his a humungo kiss on the lips. It was hawt. Anyways, got sidetrackd. Back to the point._

"_What did you see, physics???" Roxxie cried, tears glistened in her bright brown eyes._

"First she has green eyes, then blue, then violet," Ellen said wonderingly. "It's like she's one giant mood ring!"

"_We saw-eth…" Mindy looked at Cindy._

"_We saw-eth the apolaclypse!!!!!!111" The two said dramicalley. "And you are our redeemer-eth!"_

"_Yayyy!" Dean jumped up nd down and hugged Roxxy. "You're a redemer!" He did a half-somersalt double backhand halfspring flip with roundoff kick to show how happy he wuz._

"Hey Ellen," Sam said suddenly, smirking. "Did you know that in high school, Dean was a cheerleader?"

"_No,_ really?" Ellen asked skeptically, turning and looking Dean up and down. Her eyes were alight at this new tidbit of gossip.

Dean, far from attacking Sam, slouched down in his seat and hid his red face. "It was just to meet the girls," he mumbled thickly, face obscured by a hand. "And it was only for one season!!"

Sam snorted. "Admit it, you _liked_ it. I would have thought my big bad older brother would be a football player, but no. He was a cheerleader. God, those were some great times."

"_You must train your abili-titties," Mindy whispered. _

"_Yes-eth," Cindy continued. "You hafta learn to fight with ur powers and shitz."_

"_Okay, how to I begin?" roxxie aksed, eyes wide and fearfull. "I wanna stay alive. I wanna kill teh ppl who tried to killa me!"_

"_Let me handle that, honey bug," Dean crooned in her ear, before whispering things into it. Roxxie giggled (A/N: Deany's such a naughty boy!) and swattid his sexy hard ass. Rawr sexiness!_

"_We must telleth you the whole profesy," Mindy said, stepping over Sam's lying-dwon bodys. "Siddown."_

_They sat down at the fortoon crystil ball table, except Sam was kinda on teh floor, KO'd. He was like a rug. _

"_Teh profesy," Cindy began, "Tells of a beeyootiful girl from a tragic past who is creatid by da two darkest human-like kreachers: werewolfs and vampires!!!" Outside it began to darken. It was creappy._

"_Tis werevamp," Mindy stated. "Is the chosen one. She will not fite for the two sides, but instead to defend da humans, since she is so freakin'-eth powerful. She has so much power it's freaky deaky, yo."_

"Hey, that's kinda catchy," Dean smiled to himself. "Freaky deaky. I think I might start saying that from now on." He looked up to catch the looks on Ellen and Sam's face. Ellen's mouth was slightly parted, whereas Sam's jaw was practically on the floor. Dean, being nerdy? What the hell? What kind of fan fiction was this to turn Dean Winchester into a raving lunatic?

"Uh, _no, _Dean. I think not," Sam firmly replied, a quizzical look on his face.

"_A war will be wagid on the seventh nite of teh seventh moon," said Cindy creepily. "Den she must fight for Middle Earth."_

"_That's so LOTR," Roxxy squealed cutely, her pink hilights looking really fine. _

"LOTR?" Ellen asked curiously.

"Lord of the Rings," Sam replied. "The acronym, obviously."

"You are such a geek," Dean snorted, shooting Sam an insincerely sympathetic look. "I feel sorry for your kind."

_(A/N: roxxy is like le Frodo! exceptin the harry feet, that is yuckz. hobbits need to shave there foots)_

"_You mist learn 2 fight and wield ur freaky deaky super-mad power skillz," sed Mindy jealously. "We will hep you. First, take this." in her pale palm was a small pebble, witch was pink and purple and glittery._

"Why is everything pink and _glittery_ in this story?!" Sam choked out.

"_Learn to levitate this rock," Xindy ordrid. "If you can do dat, it's true dat you're the Chosen One."_

_Roxxy took it and held it. Concindtrating harder than hard, she squintied her pretty eyes and concentrated harder than hard. Sam woke up but then faintied from the tension in the atmospheres._

"**Arrrrggghh**!!" Sam had finally snapped. "I—can't—_take_ it anymore!!!" he roared, eyes wild and positively livid. "I'm going to go crazy! I—I have to get out of here!!" Before anyone could stop him, he hurtled to the door and tore it open. Without a backward glance, he was gone.

Dean looked for a second at the empty place where Sam was sitting with an odd expression on his face. Then he seemed to come to his senses and shrugged with a false air of nonchalance. "We don't need him. What a pansy."

Ellen bit her lip, staring at the door as if hoping Sam would somehow come back. She reluctantly turned back to Dean.

_The stone shiveierd in Roxxies hand for a sec. then it rockited out of her hand like a rockit and rose high in the air. It looked like a rockit. Everyone cheered, and Sam woke up to cheer for Roxxy too!! Dean broke down inda tears, he wuz so proud of the Roxxy. It was happy times._

"_This called for a celebrations!" Mindy cried through the shouts. "I will invited all my hunter and witch and/or warlack friends over and thou will hath a keg party! Hooray-eth!"_

_Everyone cheered! Cindy ran to teh phone and started calling ppl. They were about to get tihs partay started, hells yeahs!!!!_

_Mindy took Sammich, Deany Beany, and the Roxxie upstairs, were there was rooms 4 all them. "We put clotches for you on ur bed, Roxxy!" She smiled, pointing. "I tinkle u'll like dem." Roxxy made her way to her room._

_It wuz, like, huge, yo. It had a huge waterfountain in teh middle, a cabel TV and entertainment center, a radio, a alarm cock, a walk in closhit, a bookcase, a fan, a iPod charger, a laptop, a wardrove, a fireplace, a safe behind a picture of a rabbit, a cage full of singing bluebirds, two nightstands, a diamond shandellier, disco lights, a vibrating bed (A/N: for her and Deany laters!! they'll be doin the sexy times, soon, don't, worry!), a couch, shag carpeds, a lava lamp, a dancing pole (cuz she is a stripper, remember), the eight Harry Potter book—_

"Wait just one second!" Dean said indignantly. "There isn't going to _be_ another Harry Potter book!"

"Actually, J.K. is thinking of doing a compilation for charity," Ellen said casually.

"At least Ron finally got with Hermione, I was shipping them since the second book," Dean said conversationally. "And do I really have to read all of this? It goes on for two pages. And _then_ she starts describing the bathroom. Jesus H. Christ, it's a friggin' nightmare."

Ellen waved her hand dismissively. "No need, I get the gist of it. Skip it all." Dean bowed his head towards her in thanks and flipped through the next four pages.

_So that's wat was in her room. Now, on her bed was a dress. It was teh most beeyootiful thingy she had ever seen in her entira life!!!!!!! With a mishchifous smile on her face, Roxxy closed her bedroom door to get ready for teh partay of da YEAR!!!!!!!!!!_

Dean groaned. "All those little exclamation points are making me nauseated."

Another groan followed Dean's; Bobby had woken up. Sitting up and gingerly feeling the lump on his forehead, the man looked completely out of it for a second.

"Did I miss it?" he whispered. "Is it over?" Apparently the smack to the head hadn't addled his brains too much.

"Nope," Dean said cheerily as Ellen helped Bobby to his feet and to limp over to a chair. "You're just in time for the review responses."

"Oh, joy," Bobby hoarsely retorted, no joy of any sort crossing his face. As Dean opened his mouth to recall the details of the latest chapter of _Rise of the Huntress_, Bobby held up a hand. "I do _not_ want to know."

Dean sourly started reading the author's note.

_A/N: Woohoo! So thereas gonna be a partay! Yes! Canna wait. Theres gonna be some hawt action with someone and someones (but I won't say who! shush it's a secret, doo doos!) in deh next chappie. Review, you losers!_

"Hope that someone isn't me," Dean prayed, looking to the ceiling for and help from a higher power.

_Revew Responises:_

_**mummyluvrl:**__ oh you just shittup. I CAN speek English, I'm notta stoopid like u. & I no how to spell physic. this isn't porn, its sexy hawt lovemaking. theres a diff. __**DA FINGRE.**_

_**sammichesxsweetie14:**__ spell chekcer is for wimps and dorks. i am not theise. teh impala is a crappy peace of rusty junky and is should be trashied!!!! they need a VW punch buggy, so cute. __**DA FINGER, TO.**_

"What the fuck?" Dean cursed, dropping the diary like a poisonous spider. "A _punch buggy??_ A **PUNCH BUGGY?**" He spewed. "The Impala is my _car!_ She's a friggin' _ride!_ People _kill_ for these cars, they—"

Ellen and Bobby waited as Dean ranted on for the next seven minutes and fifty-two seconds about the injustice of insulting a Chevrolet Impala. When Dean finished, he was breathing heavily and practically foaming at the mouth. He shakily sat down and ripped the book open once more.

_**bookworm818181818whatever:**__ disctionarys suck, they were too heavy. you suck for using a dicshionary in teh first place (ur must be a nerd.) nd its spelled VIAGARA FALLS, not Niaraga falls, ipshitday. u r so stoopid, duh. and __**u**__ scuck. I LFIp YOU OFF!!! __**DA FINGER!**_

"Does she really think anyone cares if she gives them 'da finger'?" Bobby grunted, touching his forehead delicately and wincing.

_**rtB2:**__ FYI mah name is deansMYhunkyxo19, not deanwouldnevertouchyou whatever it goes. duh! and you tinkle rong, loser! i am cool, ur not. o im sorry, did I hurt ur feelings? too bad. __**DA FINGER; JERKZ!!!**_

_**I learnd to write:**__ deans are are BLUE like teh SKY!!!!!!!!! green is such a fugly color in guys. and Deany Beany is skillz in bed, he can totally drive with his nees when doin the sexy times. so shattup. and sammich is cut ebut compard to Dean he sucks. __**Teh FINGEH!**_

_**butterfliegurl17:**__ S-A-M-M-I-C-H. what now, wat now? Sammich or Sammichikins. and Deany Beany are cool namez. so shutop. sam is a virgin, i have insider's knowlege, so HA! deany beany can have sex whrever he likes, TY verry much. metinkles you get the __**FINGER!!!!!!**_

"Jeez, this girl is getting lots of flames," Dean said approvingly. "I think that I might want to send these people flowers!"

"Hopefully someone might hack into her account and delete everything she has ever posted," Bobby said hopefully, and Ellen nodded in agreement.

_**Shippo:**__ thx ur so NICEEEE!!!1111 I can maka Cee Cee soon I jus thave to cum up with a guy for her. do u tinkle Bobby/John/YED/someone elsey? I tink I can make a guood sexy charrie 4 her. yay. YOU GET __**HUGS!**_

"Oh no," Ellen whispered from behind her hands. "_Another_ Mary Sue? The story is already clogged with them. What did we do to deserve this?"

"Well, _I_ am apparently too sexy to _not_ have in this story, sooo…" Dean trailed off smugly. "And you two! What are you complaining about? Bobby, Ellen, you've never even been _mentioned_ in this story. So quit your whining."

"Don't you go bossing me around, boy," Bobby said menacingly, starting to rise but wobbling on his feet and sitting back down. Ellen took his face in her hands and took a look at the knot swelling up on his forehead with a tender expression on her face.

_**SaM:**__ ur sooooooooo lyig! __**nite of da huntra **__is SO not ripped of in my storey!! I will call mah lawyer and hunt u down for suing! see you in caurt, beeyoth!_

"Copyright infringement," Dean said, eyebrows raised. "Didn't see that one coming."

_**killingmesofteee:**__ yeah? well.. well.. killingmesoftee equels poo poo. howabout that? huh? huh?__** DA FINGIE**_

"That is very.. immature of deansmyhunkyxo19," Dean coughed, trying to stifle a laugh. No matter how juvenile that remark was, Dean still found it kind of funny.

_**theimplalaisasexybest67:**__ show wat if Dean's eyeballz are green? tey are BLUE in mah fic and in real life. tey gif him colored contacks. that's it. and the implala is carppy peace of SHITZ! __**I FLIP U OFF, FOOL.**_

Dean took a deep breath and counted down from 10. If he was going to survive the next twenty-four hours, he needed to control his temper when deansmyhunky19 decided it was time to bash his Impala.

_**saoarseangel:**__ thx kiss kiss ur too cool. i agree 100 percentage! dean nd roxxy a re like so sexy hawt! but sry I canna push sammich offta cliff cuz mah freind __**samsasexybeeyoth**__ would kill me like –that-. __**HUGS FOR U**_

_**sammysgirl069:**__ ur so sweetish! like sweetish fish! thanx for licking teh story i work hards. sry bout sammy i don like him, but tat's ur opinioninny. __**HUGGLe.**_

"Ha, poor 'Sammich,'" Dean snorted, eyes dancing. "He's not even around anymore to defend his honor."

"But I am," Bobby growled at the elder Winchester, and the smile was immediately wiped off his face.

_**nik nik:**__ ok u just scuck.i can spelly anytinkle i wanna do. itsa a free county! roxxy is tuff stuff u just jealus much. and just cuz u don't have sex in a car does NOT mean in cant happin! so u don't noe what ur talking about. go away. __**FLIPPY FLIP GOES DA FINGER.**_

_**STOP FLAMEZ ME, N00BS!!!!!!! I WILL SIC DEAN ON U!! ROT IN HELL!**_

"… and I'm sure you will," Dean said cheerfully as he shut the journal. "Ah, that was particularly satisfying. I'm glad that people are flaming that bitch who insulted my Baby." Dean stood up, stretched, and polished off the rest of his beer. "Now where in the **hell** is my goddamned pizza? Dude, I called, like, an hour ago. Pizza doesn't take that long to deliver."

Ellen and Bobby were talking amongst themselves, ignoring Dean's whining.

Suddenly, there was a frantic knock on the door. All three of them jumped and Dean's face lit up like a Christmas tree. There was only one thing on his mind.

"Pizza!" He scrambled over to the door and opened up wide.

Sam stood sheepishly at the doorway, clutching a duffle. He was smiling, though, an odd, bittersweet smile.

"_You?_" Dean said rudely, scowling. He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed. "What do you want?"

"That's no way to talk to your brother, Dean," said a deep voice behind Sam. Sam stepped to the side, grinning from ear to ear. Dean peered around behind his brother and saw someone he thought—no, he _knew_—he would never see again.

"_**Dad**_?"

**A/N:** This chapter dedicated to FireZombie, who wanted John to be introduced in my maniacal fanfic. Here ya go!

Sosososo sorry for the extremely overdue update. Long story short, I had Internet privileges taken away from me and I've only just now managed to find the time to write this chapter. So forgive me if it is a little sloppy (and a lot unfunny, I had to work in some actual plot in this chapter) at best, I rushed it a lot.

Also, I just wanted to thank everyone for their continued support through everything, old reviewers and new. With your constant support I feel like what I'm doing is actually worthwhile. Thanks!

**Review Responses:**

poaetpainter: Actually, deansmyhunkyxo19 doesn't really exist, so no, it wouldn't be a flame towards her, him, or it. ) But rather, you can consider this as a sort of flame against all Mary Sue fics in general.

Mummyluvr: Thanks! Glad you got some laughs. That makes me feel really good, like I've done some good in the world (for once)

beautiful dreamere: Thanks for the fake review, I don't think deansmyhunkyxo19 liked it. Which is a very good thing. Sometimes I wish I could flame her myself!

raputathebuta: I loved your fake review. Especially the part where you called her "deanwouldnevertouchyouwithabillionfootpolexo19." Very nice!

Bookworm81818: Sorry I didn't get around to using your hack yet; don't worry, I will use it very very soon. I just think that right now it's a little too early to put it into the fic.

psyChic: Ha ha, thanks. I know I'm just awesome like that lol

Butterflygirl176: Thanks for the review (both fake and real), and I'm glad you liked it!

Ghostwriter: Thank you

Sheppo: Yess! You finally checked out my story! Sorry about your tablet. Hope it gets fixed soon, so you can continue writing!

Sam: Wow, thanks! I'm glad that you like my writing. I'm not sure exactly how I write, either; when I re-read my work sometimes it's like a different person has written it. I'm not nearly as hilarious in real life.

FlutterbyButterfly: Hope you liked this chapter as well, sorry it took forever and a half to complete.

M.Bowen: Hope you'll be able to do a hack for me in the future (did my instructions help?)

SaoirseAngel: Aw, you. (I'm blushing!) Thanks.

sparkyCSI: Thanks!

Axellia: Thanks for the fake review, I had so much fun replying to it as deansmyhunkyxo19. So glad you enjoyed my humble Mary Sue fic.

Sam (#2?): You rock too, for reviewing!! Thanks!


	5. Sue Wars Episode V: A Newer Hope

**Supernatural Meets Sue-pernatural**

A Mary-Sue Parody by Cassie Winchester

**The Road So Far:** Chapter One: Bobby finds a journal that once belonged to a hunter. Turns out it is some sort of magical diary filled with the works of deansmyhunkyxo19, a Mary Suethor. He brings it to the Winchesters in the hopes that they would help him destroy it. Chapter 2: Ellen gets drawn into the mix… Chapter 3: The boys' dignity is shredded. Chapter 4: Sam loses it and runs away… And comes back with a certain someone that Dean and Sam thought they would never see again… John Winchester.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Sam, Dean, Bobby, John, Ellen, or anyone else from Supernatural. The only things I own: deansmyhunkyxo19 and her sidekick, samsasexbeeyotch, Roxxy/ie/i the slut, and _her_ sidekicks Cindy and Mindy. Hooray. (insert nauseated face here)

Cheers. Thank you **Bookworm81818** for the glorious hack. I hope you don't mind that I edited it a little and added some funny lines, for story purposes. **Hmmmm, who should I bring into the story next? Jo? Meg? Any suggestions?**

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

**Sue Wars Episode V: A New(er) Hope**

Suddenly, there was a frantic knock on the door. All three of them jumped and Dean's face lit up like a Christmas tree. There was only one thing on his mind.

"Pizza!" He scrambled over to the door and opened up wide.

Sam stood sheepishly at the doorway, clutching a duffle. He was smiling, though, an odd, bittersweet smile.

"_You?_" Dean said rudely, scowling. He leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed. "What do you want?"

"That's no way to talk to your brother, Dean," said a deep voice behind Sam. Sam stepped to the side, grinning from ear to ear. Dean peered around behind his brother and saw someone he thought—no, he _knew_—he would never see again.

"_**Dad**_?"

"Hello, Dean," John Winchester replied, a slow smile on his scruffy features. Dean haltingly stepped forwards, eyes wide. The back of his throat ached that increasingly familiar ache of held-back tears.

"_Dad?_" He whispered again, before reaching out and touching John on the shoulder with the tip of a trembling finger. It was as solid as anything. Dean blinked furiously, trying to get rid of his blurring vision. Behind John, Sam stood quietly, eyes shimmering with held back tears.

In one sudden movement, father and son stepped forward at the same time in a fierce hug. Dean let out a choked gasp and bit his lip hard. John's eyes were red-rimmed and he smiled as he hugged his eldest son hard, not wanting to let go.

"I thought we'd never see you again," Dean said hoarsely as they let go, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "You… you were…"

"…dead?" John finished softly, all traces of his smile gone. "Yes, I was, Dean."

"But then, how is this even possible?" Sam ventured, face apprehensive. "For all we know, your body could have been re-animated by some demon or something." Dean's eyes widened at this. He was so overcome with joy at the sight of his father, he had forgotten the most cardinal rule in the World of the Hunter: what's dead should _stay_ dead, unless acted upon by an outside force. How very high school physics.

John smiled sadly and raised his arms, in which he held a pizza box full of Dean's large Philly cheese steak pizza from Domino's. How he had managed to get a hold of said pizza box was a mystery as of yet. "You look into your heart, and tell me what you feel, son," he addressed Dean. "You were right once, you could be right again. Make sure that it _is_ me. Go ahead."

Dean started to back up, but Sam threw out an arm and caught him in the back, preventing him from backing up any further. He looked closely at the man who was his father. Sam looked long and hard, eyes flickering across the familiar stubbly beard, the lined forehead that he had gotten from him and the stubborn jaw which Dean had inherited. Then he looked into his father's eyes. Dark brown and glittering, they were so open and honest that it was all Sam could do not to look away. Then slowly he shook his head.

"No. You're no imposter," Sam said, eyes glistening. He swept the moisture away with the back of his hand, annoyed with himself. "I don't know how I know this, but I can just feel it."

Dean's brow furrowed, and he looked at Sam, at the determined and hopeful expression on his younger brother's face. He looked back to the man standing in the doorway, the man who was his father, the man who was supposed to be dead. Then he smiled a shaky, almost timid smile and held forward his hand in a jerky motion. "Wel—welcome back, Dad," his voice quavered slightly, but when he raised his hand it was quite steady. John mimicked the motion and clasped his son's hand in a handshake. Boys. Always trying to hide their emotions.

The threesome made their way into the living room, where Bobby and Ellen had hung back. Dean hurriedly flopped on the couch, grabbing John's pizza box at the first opportunity and greedily grabbing a particularly large slice. Gasps and cries of shock met their ears as both Ellen and Bobby jumped to their feet, prepared to attack this imposter John. Both adults looked extremely cautious and almost openly hostile towards the man who looked so very much like Papa Winchester…

"You're dead," Ellen said dismissively, as if this solved the matter. "You can't be here, now. You have to be a spirit. Are you a ghost?"

John laughed at this, a warm, rich laugh that could only be produced by the real thing, not the spiritual imprint of a ghost. He smiled warmly at his company, taking in the sight. "I missed you," he breathed, smile fading. "All of you."

"What are you doing here, John?" Bobby gruffly questioned, eyes searching. His arm slid protectively over Ellen's shoulders. "You're supposed to be dead. We saw your ghost. We saw you move on!" He looked around at Dean, Sam and Ellen for support. They all nodded in agreement.

"I know what you're thinking, and it's not that," John said calmly, sitting down on the edge of the sofa. "As far as I can tell, no one was kind enough to dig up my body and sell their soul to the devil to re-animate my corpse." Sam shot Dean a look at this, and Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I literally just woke up right outside this motel, in the bushes about a hundred yards to the left of the entrance, with a pizza box in my hands. It was like I was mugged by a pizza delivery man." He looked at Sam with a small smile. "If Sam hadn't found me, I wouldn't have known what to do. Stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the clothes on my back? A tricky situation at best."

"How do we know it's not a trick?" Ellen piped up, still wary of the newcomer. "How do we know it's really you?"

"You don't," John said sadly, looking at his hands, which were wringing themselves in his lap. "I don't know what happened, I don't know what's going on! One minute I'm in hell writing lines and the next, the gates have opened and that sonofabitch demon was trying to kill my boys!" He stood up and started pacing. "I tossed the demon and… I don't remember anything after that. I saw your faces," he addressed Sam and Dean. "And then… I was here."

"But Dad, this is _months_ later," Sam protested. "That's impossible. How could you not remember?"

"Are you questioning me?" John asked, angry. "This is all I know. I'd like to change the subject, if that's all right with you." His face hard, he sat down again and turned to Dean. "What's happened? Why d'you think I was brought here by whoever or whatever got me this far?"

This was odd, the role reversal, Dean noted. Usually it was him and Sam who were doing the interrogation of their father, they were the ones out of the loop. It felt weird being on the receiving end of a question like this. Dean got up and grabbed the purple diary that was lying innocently on the coffee table and tossed it to his father, who caught it with a bemused expression on his face.

"A diary, Dean?" John raised a dark eyebrow.

"Open it," Bobby urged. "But I warn you, it might become a little graphic starting in chapter two."

"Wha--?" John cracked open the journal and skimmed through the pages. His confused expression quickly changed with the rapid succession of a traffic light. First bewildered, then amused, then appalled, then disgusted, then shocked. This went on for the next five minutes, in a variety of combinations. Finally John stopped mid-chapter, face pale and eyes the size of saucers. He let the book fall from his numb fingers. His mouth worked like a goldfish's, opened but no sound coming out. Finally he found his voice and said in a weak voice, "What the _hell_ was that?"

"You tell us," Sam said, finding his favored position on the end cushion of the couch. "It's a nightmare, is what I think."

"Yeah," Dean said, mouth stuffed to exploding point. He had trouble speaking. "Endahmdehmangcarager."

Sam watched Dean's mouth laboring to chew with a half amused, half disgusted look on his face. "In English, oh fat one?"

Dean shot Sam a withering look and swallowed with difficulty. "I said 'and I'm the main character.' And I'm _not_ fat," he retorted, although he dropped his pizza slice back into the container and pushed it towards Bobby and Ellen.

"You _will_ be if you keep that up," Sam snidely remarked, pointing to the greasy pizza pie.

"Have you tried destroying the thing?" John asked. "You know, tearing it up, setting it on fire?"

"Er—" Bobby said, pausing mid-pizza slice. "Not exactly. We thought it would be best if we could find out exactly _what_ we were dealing with before we… you know… Killed it," he finished sheepishly. In truth, that was not the case for any of them. Of course _Rise of Teh Huntress_ was disgusting, degrading, despicable, and an absolute crapfest to read, but it had sucked them in like dust bunnies in a vacuum. They couldn't stop reading, oh no, not even if they wanted to.

"By the way, Dad," Dean said, smiling wickedly. "Newcomers read first."

John's eyes darkened. "Hell no."

"Hell _yes_," Ellen corrected, leaning over and thrusting the small fanfic of misery into John's hands. "You read, or you leave. One or the other. And as a hint, the latter of the two _isn't_ an option." Ellen looked quite serious at these words, and John grudgingly sat down on the sofa between his two sons.

"Hey, listen to this," John said, surprised. "This wasn't written by deansmyhunkyxo19. It's by someone called bookworm81818."

_**A/N: **__Hello readers, if you have been following this story you will be able to tell by the coherency of this sentence that this is not the mentally disturbed girl who calls herself __deansmyhunkyxo19, no, I am a hacker. _

"Say _what?_!" Dean roared, livid. "No. Nononono. That is just wrong. **Completely** unfair. Dammit! Why couldn't _I_ get the hacker chapter?"

The others were in similar stages of outrage. Sam frowned and folded his arms, pouting and trying not to show it; Bobby, like Dean, had jumped up and was starting to yell; Ellen was shouting threats at everyone from deansmyhunkyxo19 to Mel Gibson. John looked very much alarmed and had to wait for several minutes until everyone had calmed down enough for him to continue.

_I do not use the names Deany Beany and Sammich, and I will not fill this chapter with pointless porn. _(There was the unmistakable sound of applause coming from Dean at these words)_ I was getting sick of her crappy story, so I hacked into her account. Honestly her password was not even that hard to figure out, I mean honestly DeanyBeany4eva my god does she have issues. So since she is not here to sicken us all I will write my version of what would happen if Sam and Dean really did meet those dreaded Mary Sues. _

"Oh, there _is_ a God!" Sam fell to his knees looked ready to kiss the ground. "Maybe they'll be hung by their own slutty clothing or choked with their pink and blue-highlighted hair." He looked eager at this act of violence upon the Sues.

_To deansmyhunkyxo19: First of all, if you are reading this you are probably having a bitch fit right now, as you realize that someone with an intellect far superior to your own has taken over your story and rescued our beloved Sam and Dean from your disgusting slut of a character. _

"Ay-_men, _sistah!" Dean cheered. The rest of the room looked at him a little funny at this. "Er—I mean, uh, _friggin' A_!" he said quickly.

"That's what scares me," Bobby muttered.

_Throw what insults you may, but I know, (and most of your readers will agree,) that I am doing the world of fan fiction a favor by taking this fic out of your hands, and by putting it into those of someone who actually knows how to write. (By the way, I can't wait to read your 'kickass' response to my last review.)_

"Which was, if I'm not mistaken…" John flipped back through the pages and started to read deansmyhunkyxo19's review response to bookworm81818 for the last chapter, much to tumultuous cries of protest. Sam covered his ears with his hands and was rocking back and forth in his seat, eyes glassy. Dean was humming Metallica and gripping the edge of the sofa tightly. Bobby and Ellen struck up loud conversations with each other until John had finished reading that particular passage.

"Is he done?" Dean asked Sam. Sam nodded, grimacing. "Can we get on with the hack, please?" He begged his father. "That Mary Sue nonsense was making my stomach cramp up."

"Are you sure that it wasn't a side-effect of the four pieces of pizza you practically inhaled earlier?" Sam asked sarcastically. Dean whacked him over the head with a pillow, almost hitting John in the process. John shot the both of them a stern look and they meekly resumed their positions.

_Standing in the middle of the psychic sluts' house dean snapped out of something like a trance._

"Well, duh!" Dean smacked his forehead. "Why else would I be with Whore-Slut #1?"

_He looked at the twins, and saw them for what they really were, their hair was greasy and multicolored, their clothes were trashy, and they had on waaaaay too much makeup. Slowly he looked down at the abomination who called herself Roxxie. (or Roxxy depending on her mood,) who had also passed out and was now lying on floor, drool leaking out of her overly lipsticked mouth. Dean looked over at Sam who also seemed to be coming out of a trance._

"Alright!" Sam applauded. "For once, I'm not treated like the stupid sidekick ogre in this story!"

"You'll always be _my_ Shrek, Sammy," Dean smiled sweetly.

Sam jumped up to get him but then remembered that John was in the room. He made a growl of frustration and pointed at his brother. "You are _dead_ as soon as this is over," he hissed.

"_Dean," Sam said hoarsely "I think something is wrong, very, very wrong."_

"_Yeah, you're tellin' me," Dean replied, shuddering. "I think that I just slept with some random chick."_

"How many times has this conversation between me and Dean played out in real life?" Sam asked no one. "Let me count. There was that poltergeist gig in Sacramento, then Dean got tanked in a bar one night in Denver and didn't show up until the next afternoon with nothing on but a bathrobe on and no recollection of the previous night." He ticked the incidences on his fingers. "Then there was that time in Oakland with the triplets. What am I forgetting?"

Dean's jaw clenched. "You're forgetting the fact that I can still beat up on you, no matter if you're my little brother or not."

Sam went on, ignoring Dean's last comment. "Oh! I remember. I think that I dropped you off at the police station down in Chippensdale, you know, the witches' coven killings? You were all over that pretty Lieutenant like a dog with a bone."

"Or a dog with a boner," Dean muttered, shifting positions uncomfortably.

"What did you say, son?" Bobby gruffly demanded.

"Nothing. Nothing whatsoever," Dean smiled unconvincingly.

"_I think that I just slept with some random chick."_

"_Dean, for you that's not exactly unusual behavior," said Sam impatiently._

_Dean rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but I _do_ have some standards" Sam snorted loudly._ (The real one snorted as well, earning a contemptuous look from his brother)_ "Hey! I do have standards, they may not be very high, but I got 'em. But something seems definitely odd about these girls."_

"_Yeah," said Sam faintly. "Did you feel at all weird when we met them?" He asked._

_"Yea, almost like I was in a trance…" Dean trailed off. "Sam we've gotta get to Bobby's…Fast!"_

"Oh, great," Bobby put his head in his hands. "Now _I'm_ being brought into all this mayhem?"

"Be thankful you're at the hands of the hacker, and not deansmyhunkyxo19," Ellen reminded him.

"_Dean, what's wrong?"_

_"I think I know what these things are, and trust me, if I'm right, we've gotta get help now!" The boys got in the Impala and drove without stopping until they reached Bobby's. _

_They ran up and knocked on the door looking around shiftily. Finally bobby opened the door. _

"_Gee, you boys look like you've seen a ghost" he joked._

"_Worse" said Dean, hollow eyed. "I think we found a Mary Sue." Bobby looked at Dean, then at Sam, who looked very confused._

"_We'd better get inside" he said quietly ushering them in._

"At last! A hacker who might, just _might_ help us kill off Roxxy and her twin cronies!" John looked like his birthday had come early. He eagerly turned the page.

"_Are you sure Dean?"asked Bobby._

"_Almost positive"_

"_Could someone please tell me what's going on here?" asked an annoyed Sam._

"_Mary sues," started Bobby, "Are one of the most evil things you boys will ever hunt. They are the epitome of perfection."_

"_You know perfect hair, perfect skin, eyes and hair that magically change color…" interrupted Dean. Bobby gave him a look and Dean quickly shut up._

"Hunh. This hacker gives me more credit than they ought to," Dean commented, looking impressed. "I would have never come to the 'Mary Sue' conclusion so quickly."

"_They usually have some all important destiny, or purpose that totally destroys the plot of our lives. The worst part is, they have the power of mind control. If you are in their presence, they will use you for whatever they want," Bobby finished._

"_I said I was in lurve at first sight" said Sam with a shudder._

"_Yeah, well you can't talk! My Mary Sue made me do things to her while I was driving…" muttered Dean. By now they were all terrified of these horrible creatures. _

"And they should be," Sam said darkly. "…They should be."

"I love how we're referring to ourselves in the fanfic as totally different people, when in reality, they aren't. They're more like us than the characters in the Mary Sue fic, anyway," Dean said. "It's so weird."

"Dude, _you're_ weird," Sam returned.

"Shut up."

"_But how come we're not under their control now?" Sam asked, puzzled._

"_I'm guessing it's because they all fainted before, which weakened their hold on your minds…" Dean started, but then he saw the color draining from the older hunter's face. _

"_Did you say __they__, as in more then one?" Bobby asked fearfully._

"Yep. _Three_, to be exact, buddy boy," Bobby replied to his fic-self.

"_Yea" answered Sam, "There's three of them."_

"_So how do we waste 'em?" Dean asked eagerly. Bobby whistled and thought for a while. _

"_You boys have got your work cut out for you. The only way to kill them is to shoot them with silver bullets, then chop off their heads and set fire to their bodies before they can come back to life and brainwash you again." _

"Now, _that's_ what I'm talking about!" Dean high-fived Sam. "Inflicting as much pain as possible onto the Sues before they take their last shuddery breath!"

_As they were leaving, Bobby gave the boys each a pair of ear plugs. "If you can't hear them, they can't seduce you. Good luck! You're going to need it…" he said before shutting the door in their and quickly locking it behind them._

"_Thanks…" said Sam sarcastically to the closed door._

"_Sammy! Come on! Let's go!" Dean yelled from the Impala. And off they went to kick some Mary Sue ass._

Sam and Dean were positively riveted by this new turn of events; they were on the edge of their seats, eager to hear more.

_Weapons ready and ear plugs in their ears, they entered the house, looking around cautiously. Dean signaled to Sam to split up, as the Sues were probably in different rooms. Dean went upstairs to find Roxxy sprawled in front of him, in very suggestive clothing. He saw her lips move, but didn't hear what she said; silently thanking Bobby for the ear plugs he raised his gun. Realizing that her charms were not working The Sue leapt out of the bed, and with incredible speed kicked the gun from his hand and knocked him to the ground…_

_Meanwhile Sam was in the kitchen when he sensed something behind him. Spinning around he pointed his gun at Cindy and Mindy who were moving towards him provocatively, coming closer, and closer. Forcing himself to concentrate Sam pulled the trigger and shot them both in the heart several times they fell back and hit the floor…hard. Grabbing a fistful of Cindy's greasy black hair he swiftly decapitated her. Blood flew everywhere, and it hissed against the tile of the kitchen like acid. He did the same to Mindy and dragged them outside where he promptly set them on fire (the stench was unbearable). Relieved, he pulled out his earplugs. Suddenly there was a crash from the house._

Sam let out a small "eep!" of alarm and Dean was holding tightly onto his pillow, white-knuckled and white-faced. Both looked afraid of what would happen next to their fic-counterparts.

_Leaving the Sues to burn he ran upstairs to find Roxxy standing over dean, ready to stab him. Without thinking he swung his gun up and fired two bullets into her skull. As he did that something strange happened. Out of the too perfect body floated a small grey spirit that looked like a teenage girl. Looking down at them she screamed like a banshee. The Winchesters cried out and covered their ears._

"_All I wanted was to finish my story you stupid SOB's! You don't deserve Roxxy and Mindy slash Cindy anyways!" and with that she joined the other spirit outside the window and floated away. Dean sighed and slumped against the wall, relieved to be rid of the parasite. _

"That ghost must have been the spirit of the Suethor," John said in a thoughtful voice. "Nice touch on the hacker's part."

"_Thank God that's over with." Sam looked at Dean and they broke into song. "Ding Dong the Bitch is DEAD!" Complete with matching dance routine and air guitar solo._

_And they all lived happily ever after, except for Cindy and Mindy and Roxxy/ Roxxie. Who burned in hell forever. The end._

John finished to a large round of applause from his listeners. He stood up and took a bow.

"Is there an author's note?" Ellen asked hopefully.

_Well readers, it's time for me to go. I hope you enjoyed my little story. Have a good day, and you may hear from me again someday!_

_deansmyhunkyxo19: Hopefully by now you have realized the error of your ways. If not, then I feel sorry for your poor readers. Also, please note, it is not that difficult to spell things correctly. I just did it for 4 pages of text. Take a leaf out of my book. BUY A DICTIONARY! And now I bid you adieu. _

Dean wiped fake tears away from his eyes. "That was—that was beautiful. Hold me, Sam," he choked out.

"Dude," Sam smacked his hand away. "Using the same line twice? Déjà Scarecrow, perhaps?" Dean ignored him, happily starting on his fifth slice of pizza. That guy is a bottomless pit.

John dropped the fuzzy abomination back onto the coffee table and stretched.

Dean turned to the four sitting around him with a very serious look on his weathered face. "We need to destroy this book. There's nothing more to it."

"And how do you suggest we do so, Frodo? Throw it into the fires of Mount Doom?" Sam replied, nailing the snarky Dean mimicry.

"Aaaand, here we go _again_ with the Lord of the Rings," Dean sighed. "And for the record, I am _not_ hobbit material. I'm more… Aragorn, 'cept with short hair. And a gun instead of a sword. And a car instead of a horse. And…"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

**Author's Note:** Hooray for the slight OOCness that is in my fic! I know Dean would never in his life be heard referencing Lord of the Rings, but in Fictopia, anything goes!

And three cheers, for I have found my motivation again, hoorah! I probably won't be able to update for a long time, though, because, as I have stated before, my computer time is limited. And the computer I am on is being a dipshtick. So I must ask you to be a little patient as I come up with new material and stuff. Plus I have school to look forward to starting, well, tomorrow -facedesk-

Keep those hacks and fake reviews a' comin'. I personally can't wait to write deansmyhunkyxo19's reaction to her hacker chapter.

**Review Responses:**

raputathebuta: Oh yes, I made John suffer… But I'll have to wait to use your fake review until next chapter, seeing as deansmyhunkyxo19 didn't write this one. Loved it though. "I flameth thee, yo." Priceless!

Aphina: Ah, well, I try to make it funny; or at least I try to pretend that I have some writing skills, or as deansmyhunkyxo19 would say, "mad riting skillz."

Bookworm81818: I think that your hack is perfect for this chapter! Thanks so much for taking the time to do one, it was making me giggle the entire time I wrote it…

Ghostwriter: Thanks, as usual!

Mummyluvr: I couldn't resist the "fuzzy monkee" poke at Sam… At the risk of sounding like the mother of all Mary Suethors, Sam _would_ make a cute fuzzy monkee anytime!

Sheppo: Don't worry, reviews shmeviews. I had just this one afternoon to write a whole new chapter without my mom finding out because I was banned from the computer for a while, so I know how you feel. See you tomorrow?

Winchester Phantom: Maybe you can come up with the perfect hack in which Sam and Dean find ways to salt and burn the Mary Sue trio! And don't worry, Sam and Dean find the perfect way to kill the Mary Sues, I promise.

Smeckles92: Thanks, hope you like this chapter.

Sam: Oooh, thanks for that wonderful idea. I think that Jo is going to guest-star in our next Mary Sue chapter! I've got lots of plans for her…

psyChic: Here's your update! Enjoy.

FireZombie: Thanks!

M. Bowen: Maybe in the seventh or eighth chapter I can bring in another hack, if you'd be willing to do the honors?

sparkyCSI: Believe me, I've read more Mary Sue fics than the human mind should be able to take, and I still can't believe that people like deansmyhunky exist. As for flaming DMHxo19, flame away, by all means. She needs more "flamez" in her life.

chesternut: Tcha. Death to all Mary Sues, in my opinion.


	6. Hell Hath No Fury

**Supernatural Meets Sue-pernatural**

A Mary-Sue Parody by Cassie Winchester

**I HATH RETURNED!! (well, sorta) **My apologies, friends. I have the usual excuses for my very very very very tardy update: school, school, and, uh, school? All work and no play makes Cassie a very dull girl. Okay, so enough with the apologies, right? I once again thank all of you for your generous support and kind words of encouragement. This chapter is just to keep you happy until next year. Consider it a very late Christmas present

Oh, and Bookworm81818 says thank you all for liking her hack. She enjoyed it very much as well.

**The Road So Far:** So Bobby calls Sam and Dean, right? And he has this magicky journal thingey that is really really bad and possesses people and stuff. So, like, they read it? Yeah. And then Ellen comes and they get all weirded out and then John is like ohmigod back from the dead!! So, uh, yeah. Laters!

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Supernatural. Every time I say that a little part of me dies. Oh, and I might also take the liberty of making the Supernatural characters a little (or a lot) OOC.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

**Chapter 6: Hell Hath No Fury…**

Dean turned to the four sitting around him with a very serious look on his weathered face. "We need to destroy this book. There's nothing more to it."

"And how do you suggest we do so, Frodo? Throw it into the fires of Mount Doom?" Sam replied, nailing the snarky Dean mimicry effortlessly.

"Aaaand, here we go _again_ with the Lord of the Rings," Dean sighed. "And for the record, I am _not_ hobbit material."

"Oh, I dunno, Dean," Sam sardonically replied. He held his hand over his head and then brought it hovering over Dean's; there was a good three or four inches of space between his palm and his brother's head. "You _are_ a wee one."

Slapping his brother's hand away, Dean sulked. The _real_ adults in the room, Ellen, Bobby, and John, ignored Dean and Sam's side commentary and tried to focus on the dire situation at hand. Ellen, reaching for a slice of pizza, had a thoughtful expression on her face.

"Assuming that this diary has magical properties that would prevent us from destroying it using normal means, I would think we'd have our work cut out for us," Ellen concluded.

"Yeah," Bobby interrupted, "But how do we know that this diary is magical? I mean, outside of the fact that it is purple and has sparkly script on it?"

"Couldn't we just, ah, shoot it?" Dean asked tentatively, a hopeful and slightly maniacal expression on his handsome features.

"Oh, yeah, great idea, Einstein," Sam retorted, rolling his eyes at his brother's missing common sense. "The neighbors _definitely_ won't hear the gunshots, and even if they do, they won't think that it's actually _gunfire_. Fan_tastic_ idea. Especially with the Feds practically up our asses—"

"Sam," John warned, holding up a hand. Sam silenced at once. "I need to think."

"Screw this thinking crap!" Dean whipped out a pistol from nowhere and leveled it with the purple fuzzy book sitting innocently on the coffee table.

"NO! Wait, Dean—!" John bellowed, but too late.

With a loud report, the gun fired off three smoking bullets towards the sparkly purple demonic spawn of a fanfic. It all went to hell after that.

With a loud, magical crackling noise, the diary lit up like a Vegas sign and the bullets ricocheted off it one by one. Everyone cried out in shock and ducked for cover. Sam dived underneath the coffee table, and just in time, too; one of the bullets embedded itself in the sofa cushion where he was just sitting.

The second bullet pinged off of the standing lamp, the metal picture frame on the wall, and finally through the pizza box, where it sat smoldering like a white-hot metallic sausage piece.

The third bullet made its way back towards its owner, magically enhanced by the diary's defensive magic. Dean backed into the screen door of the motel room, hurriedly unlatching it and throwing himself out of the room, into the cold outdoors; the bullet was in hot pursuit. The residents of the room could not see what was happening, but after about two minutes, they heard a loud crash and a pained grunt.

Dean trudged his way back into the room a minute later, covered in reeking trash. Sam started to open his mouth, but Dean pointed a shaking index finger in his brother's direction, and with a low, barely-keeping-it-together voice, he growled, "Don't. Even. Thinkabouddit."

Bobby was just about livid. "What in the cold hell were you thinking, boy?" He started shouting in Dean's face. John joined in loudly, poking Dean's garbage-slimed flannel shirt with a forefinger. Ellen, however, was preoccupied with texting someone on her cell phone.

"Maybe we should just… Let it play out?" Sam inquired meekly from his hiding place under the coffee table. A silence followed, in which four bewildered faces turned slowly to stare at him. Sam quailed under the intensity of their gazes. "What?" He grew exasperated. "Oh, I suppose that I'm the _only_ one who's interested, then." He folded his arms.

"Interested in what, Sam?" Ellen asked evenly, snapping closed her cell phone.

Sam looked from one face to the next in something like desperation. "Interested in _**how it ends**_ of course! Don't you want to see what deansmyhunkyxo19 says in response to Bookworm81818's hack?" He looked imploringly at each of them, puppy dog eyes wide and searching. He cleared his throat, finally coming to his senses. "What I, uh, what I _mean_ to say is, it would allow us to… delve deeper into the… the psychological construction of deansmyhunkyxo19's possibly mentally challenged and psychotically demented mind. It might even help us to find his or her weakness, and then we can destroy this thing once and for all!" He concluded, beaming at his own brilliance. Snaps for Sammy!

"Nice save," Dean mumbled out of the side of his mouth in a stage whisper.

"Well, I for one don't need convincing," Ellen smiled weakly, running her hand through her long brown locks. "This stuff, this _fanfiction_, is addictive, but _so_ bad for you."

"Like crack. And porn," Dean added, nodding and managing to keep a straight face. "Don't do drugs, kids."

Bobby and John, however, looked apprehensive. "Are ya sure?" Bobby asked gruffly. "I mean, we could be concentrating on _destroying_ this thing but you intend on _reading_ it instead?"

"It's three against two," Dean crowed gleefully. "Read on, Sammy boy!"

Sam blanched. "Since when was it _my_ turn to read?!" He cried frantically, eyeing the still-intact purple fuzzy notebook on the coffee table with wild eyes.

"It _is_ your turn, son," Bobby said sadly.

Sam picked the journal up with about as much enthusiasm as a fat lady picks up a salad. He swallowed hard, Adam's apple bobbing nervously in his throat. Flicking through the pages until he found chapter six, he stopped and squinted at the page with a bemused expression. Sam's eyes skimmed rapidly over the fanfic entry, and his mouth curved into a large impish grin. "Oooh, is she pissed," he breathed in something like awe.

"What? Who's pissed?" Dean asked loudly. "How do you know?"

"Read, Sam," John commanded. Sam obeyed all too happily.

_Dis is deansmyhunkyxo19 and I em pppiiiisssseeeddd!(!!!!!!????_

_**OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!& !KJDKJfnjasdf son of a bithc asmdfmaksd;f odfiwerlsadnfm sdf912371!!!!!!fuckfukc!!!1 **__Some complet bithc HACKD into meh copmuter account and messed up my storieS!!!!!! they killed roxxie!!!1 if I eva find out who it waz i'm gonna hunt u down like an aminal and chop you up into tiny little bloody pisces and feed them to mah chiwowow!!!!! __**you fukcinkalsdf0913490104 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**_

"These H's go on for…" Sam flipped through the next several pages, his gleeful expression practically engraved onto his face, "…for the next eight—no, _nine_—pages."

"What a waste of paper," John grumbled, shifting uncomfortably on his chair. "And a waste of _my_ time."

"Honey, it's a waste of _everyone's _time," Ellen smiled sympathetically. She nodded for Sam to continue.

_W/e bitchez. It doesnt mattre. I wil make me story the same as b4 b/c it was better than that __**!(&!&!**__ Story. That __**!()!FUKAn**__…_

"Aaaaand here she goes again with the explicit language," Sam wrinkled his nose. "Wow, this gets pretty, uh, graphic here." Sam's face had turned a pleasant vermillion color.

"Lemme see," Dean said eagerly, leaning over. His amused expression went from perplexed to amused, then to shocked and just downright disgusted. "She wants to do _what_ to that hacker's _what?_ Holy crap, that's…" Dean's eye began to twitch.

"Okay, are we going to be waiting all night?" Bobby interrupted, annoyed. "Let's just get this damn thing over with!"

_riser Of Teh huntresse:_

_Chapter 6 (wel, rly its 5 cuz of that hacker's stupide chapiter, but w/e.)_

_So were we last left off, roxxie was gettin' ready for teh party of the YEAR!! WOOHOO times 100000000000000000000…._ "And so on…" Sam continued.

_Sammich and Deany Beany were heleping Mindy et Cindy to decorated the hole mansion. It was to be the party of the year_

"Wow, that sentence was actually correct both grammatically and spelling-wise," Sam whistled in amazement. The rest of the room perked up; perhaps there was hope for the rest of them after all.

John leaned over to re-read. "Uh, nope." He pointed to the end of the sentence. "There's no period. Sorry."

Sam's lower lip trembled. Dean reached over and patted Sam awkwardly on the back. "Come on, Sammy," Dean said. "It's okay, really. Dad didn't mean to burst your bubble." He threw an angry look at John Winchester. John shrugged and backed up.

Ellen, who seemed to like Sam more than Dean anyway, reached over and gave Sam another motherly hug. Sam wubbled for a little while in his own self-pity. I mean, if it wasn't for that yellow-eyed sonofabitch, none of this would have ever happened to him.

Sam gave a loud sigh and seemed to get over it. He turned the page in the sparkly, fuzzy purple journal and continued. Wow. That was quick.

_So wen they were finishd wiff all teh preparatins 4 teh keg party, it lookied magnifishent. It was purple and pink sparklies all ova and ther was a prety disco ball in the centre. A sexiy song was playing and a live band wuz setting up. Lots a hot ppl, guys and girls with speshul magick gifts like roxxy were in vited, and huntrez and witchez like mindy and cindy 2._

"_aaaight every1," mindy cried out to dem all. "we proudly pressent teh savior off mankind-eth," _

_cindy condituned, "herr she is, the lovlie nd talenteid nd much prettyer and smarter and more powerfull than all of us combined, the werevamp Roxxie!!!!!!!!"_

"_Yeayyyyy!!" Every1 cheered._

"Booooo!!!" Everyone hissed loudly. Dean even threw a half-eaten slice of cold pizza at Sam. Sam dodged it, bristling.

"Hey, don't shoot the messenger! Just because I'm reading it is no reason for you to take out your frustrations with deansmyhunkyxo19 on me," Sam's lower chin threatened to wobble once more. Bobby smacked Dean in the back of the head.

"Ow!" Dean shouted. He turned to face Bobby, livid, but thought better of it. "Yeah, yeah, alright."

Ellen suddenly got up and rummaged in her jean pocket for her cell phone, which was vibrating. "Hold on, I gotta take this. Please, continue on without me." She then left the living room into the kitchen, where they could hear her deep in a discussion with whoever was on the other end.

Sam gave Dean a wounded puppy look, outraged that his own brother would turn on him (again), and forced himself to start reading the dreaded work of "fanfiction."

_Roxxie, from were she was standin on top of teh stares, was nervouse. Wat if they thought she wasnt good enogh to be the next werevamp? Wat if dean didn't like her dress?_

"Because we all know _that's_ so important," Sam rolled his eyes. Dean ignored this with what he probably thought was a dignified silence.

_But went she slouly glilded down the stares like a Cinderella princess, and she felted all eyes on her, she new she was doin teh rite thing. _

_She felt all the guys' hot eyeson her tight hot body, and all the girls jelous stares to, but the only staire she cared about was Deany Beany's her hot sexy man. _

_Dean was looking sexy mad hot in a tux, all dresed' up 4 his beeyootiful grl roxxy.roxxy felt nervouse. But when she swa dean, she felt real real calm. _

_dean looked up && saw he sexy roxxie girl, and he wanted to rip the dress rite off her and throw he rdown in bed to…_

"Skip, skip, skipping!!" Sam cried frantically, nearly tearing the pages out in his haste to skip this graphic description of what _exactly_ Dean wanted to do to Roxxy.

Dean, however, looked impressed despite himself. "Wow, this fictional me is quite the sex machine, eh?" He wiggled his eyebrows. John raised one of his own and Dean's smirk fell with a plop to the ground.

Ellen came back into the room, putting away her cell phone in her jeans pocket. "What did I miss?" She asked, looking around at all the faces.

"Nothing," Bobby and John said at the same time.

"Sex," Dean and Sam said together.

"Right," Ellen groaned.

…_but dan was saving his sexie magickness for the bed like later :) (A/N: you know wat dat means!! Ehehehhh!)_

"Wait, what?!" Dean burst out. "She called me _Dan?_ _**DAN??!!**_What the hell, dude?"

Sam nodded. "I know. It's like calling me, uh… I got nothing."

_Cindy && mindy came over to roxxie and cooed over her beeyooty. "well, werevamp, you are certainly-eth better than we thougt. Will u sing 4 us?" they pointed to teh live band & the mic standin on stg._

"_I dunno, girls,' roxxie frownded. _

"_plz, roxxy," dean purred in her ear, and roxxie shivered. "plz, for moi."_

"_ok!" roxxie said. Anyfing 4 her deany beany. She walked up stage nd picked up the mic. Even tho she wuz a stipper her voice wuz like an angle._

"Oh, yeah, those angles, they sure sing good, don't they?" Dean snorted.

_She openeded her mouthies and began 2 sing: (A/N: this is me own song!!!!!!1111 you copy it in any way && u DIES!!!! I WILL HUNT U DOWN!!! Thx)_

"_I loooovvveee yoooouuuu_

_but do yoooouuuuu loooooovvveee meeee???_

_Iiii look into ur eeeeyyyyess_

_Annnddd I seeeee infinityyyy_

_Doooo you see me like iiiiii see yoouuuuu?_

_Doooo you need me like iiii need yooouuuu?_

_I want to hoollllddd uuuuu inn my arrrmmmss_

_Forever ever ever ever ever ever oooohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhh_

_Babbyyy uh huh"_

"Oh. My. God." Ellen's eyes were watering from the pain her ears were causing her. "Sam, you're not actually trying to _sing_ this piece of junk called 'music,' are you?"

Sam stopped mid-coo and pouted. "It has the music written in here and everything. I just thought that I'd add some atmosphere to the mix."

"Oh, please. That's enough atmosphere for one night," Bobby groaned, fingers firmly plugging his own ears.

"Well, if you don't want me to sing it, there's always interpretive dance," Sam began. "Deansmyhunkyxo19 has it written her and everything. You just 'slide to the left, sway, sway, slide to the right, sway, sway, stomp, handclap, turn around, plie, jété, and shimmy shimmy shimmy. Break it down now.' That's what she wrote right here."

"NO!!!" Everyone in the room bellowed at the same time.

"Fine," Sam grumped. "Let's see if you'll ever see me express myself creatively again."

_Ppls in the crowd were crying from the beauty in roxxies voice. It was like a chore of angles. Sam was dancing w/cindy and mindy 2geter and wen he heard roxxies voice he passed out from the prettyness of it._

_By teh end, even rock hard dean had tears in his ayes. Roxxie jumped off stage to tundrous applesauce. _"I'm only assuming here she means applause," Sam said, amused.

_Teh band strikes up and tey play a slow song. Dan && roxxy slowly dance 2 the tune. Then they make out 4 a bit, to git in the mood._

"Oh, yuck," Dean retched. "Just the thought of my fanfic-me swapping spit with this chick is enough to make me blow my chunks."

_So finally roxxie && dean went upstares to test out the springs in her new bed. But little did she now, ther was a dark force watching her every move in teh crowd, wating 4 the right time 2 strike && kill her dead!! Gasp!!omg!_

_Meanwhile sam nad cindy & mindy were talking. _

_"Soo, you're like the physic wonder sidekick, right-eth?" cindy aksed._

_"Er, yea?" sam replayed. He was nervouse, because he really wanted to jump them both and it was his 1__st__ time. Poor virgin sammich._

"This argument is getting very, very old," Sam sighed. "I'm not even going to defend myself."

_"sooo dost thou wanna like do it?" mindy, the other witch aksed, batted her eye leashes. "like right now, in our room?"_

_"hells yea," sam said excitedly. "but its my 1__st__ time."_

_"donna worry-eth. We'll be gintle." Cindy purrdd in his ear && they (sammy and cindy and mindy) went up stares. The party was still goin on but w/e. it was going to be along, fun nite for both teh Winchester boyz!1_

"Wow, Sammich," Dean teased. "_Two_ girls in one night? And possibly at the same time? You are such a ladykiller."

Sam told Dean exactly where to stick his smugness.

"Ouch, that sounds uncomfortable."

"Boys!" John growled warningly.

_A/N: yay! So hope that's a cliffy 4 u! nxt time I'll tell u _wat_ sammich && deany did with all there grls. It's hot! And hoo is that sketchy dude watchig roxxie? Yule find out soon! Review review review review reveiew… and I don't mean all u flamers!!!! U suck!!_

"Quick, read the review responses!" Ellen said eagerly.

"I was getting there," Sam replied waspishly.

_**theimpalaisasexybeast67**__: u no wat? Ur mom!!! Ur ugly mom!!! Ya!!! Howsat you booger? I will give u another finger: __**2 the fingres!!**__ Cuz u sux!_

"That booger comment was _real_ mature. Sounds like something I'd say," Dean admitted.

_**TheSexyLibrarian:**__ I dont care about dicshonararies or w/e u spell them. Thy are 4 losers like YOU! The implalala car is an ugly piec of shite and dean and sammich are just like tey are in the show. So shaddup!! I don't need ur stoppid "construction criticist" or w/e. __**u get teh finger!!! **_

"I am thisclose to losing it," Dean's voice shook. "That bitch insults my car 24/7! My car is… is.."

"…a god? Yeah, we know," Sam finished for him.

_**ILearnedtoWrite:**_ _you are the 1 who sux!! Alot!! Nd my story is cool beanz. I will not stoppy write b/c I love 2 writ and I am more skillz than u and ur lameness put 2geter! So go flush urslef down a toilet && get over it! __**The finger finger fingie finger**_

_**Lollipops&&unicorns:**__ I luff u lots too. Thx 4 the words of encourigament, tey rly hlp. I now roxxie is so perf, rite? Dean is sexy too. Thx.U get __**2 hugglies from deansmyhunkyxo19**_

_**WinchesterPhantom**____ crack is yummy. So wat if I mite be sniffing wen I rite this? It is QUALITITY RITING and I could be a publishd outhor if I wanted 2 b. so there. Firstly, u suck. Secondlye, you suck more. Threely, the impala is shite and dean neds a new carr. Fortyh: you needs 2 get eyes checked b/c thissisn English not some other lnguauge ya. So oiwerohsdflk mak mak. __**FINGER!!!!!**_

"Okay, she cannot seriously think that she can pass '_oiwerohsdflk_ _mak mak_' off as English, can she?" Ellen asked incredulously.

"Hey, I'm not her English teacher," Sam shrugged.

_**And to you, Bookworm88181818whatever: I will hunt u down lik the sicko aminal u ar and eat u alife with catsup. U are dead!!! I will find u!!!! I know ppl in dark places!!!!!!!!!**_

"And that wasn't sketchy _at all_," Dean frowned. "I sure hope that this Bookworm81818, or whoever, sleeps with a gun at night. I know that if _I_ had deansmyhunkyxo19 out to get me, I would."

"You already do sleep with a gun, Dean," Sam reminded him. "_And_ a machete, _and_ a trench knife, _and_ a shotgun, _and_ a flare gun, _and_ a teddy bear, _and_ numchucks, _and_ a flamethrower, _and_…"

"Okay, now I _know_ you're making stuff up," Bobby protested. "You can't possibly own a flamethrower!"

"Wait… He owns a teddy bear?" John looked like he had just been told that Dean wanted to try out for Miss Teen USA.

"No," Dean muttered unconvincingly.

"Yep," Sam said smugly. "He's called Mr. Snuggles."

Dean was spared any further humiliation by the ring of the doorbell.

"I'll get it!" He cried, and shot up like a rocket from his perch on the couch. Ellen followed him.

The door to the motel room opened and Dean's mouth opened in shock. It was someone he never thought that he'd see again. Scratch that, it was someone that he never had _wanted _to see again. It brought back too many bad memories of being beat up by a certain blond-headed member of the Supernatural cast.

"What is this, Saturday Night Live? What is it with all these guest stars? Krikpe can't possibly afford to be paying them all at once!" Dean questioned impatiently, leaning against the door. "What do they expect us to do? Sit around a campfire and sing Kumbaya or something?"

"Well, hello to you too, Dean," Jo said, looking slightly hurt. But she bounced right back with a grin directed towards her mom. "You gonna be a gentleman and let me in or what?"

Dean grumbled something in reply and opened the door a little wider.

"You should be a little kinder to me, considering on what terms we parted last time," Jo sassed. "You know, what with your brother being possessed and almost killing me?"

Sam, hearing this from the living room, hung his head in shame and remorse.

"So, what's the deal with this whole thing?" Jo asked her mother as they made their way back to the living room. "You didn't really get to elaborate on that. Tell me everything, from the beginning."

"Weeellll," Ellen began, to the collective groans of the entire room…

**Author's Note:** Once again, I am such a bad person!! Putting off this story was one of the stupidest things that I've ever done. I'd almost forgotten how much fun writing this was. I promise that I will work on my update speed. And I want to thank you all for being so patient.

**P.S. **Happy holidays, everyone!

**P.P.S. **And no review responses, because I don't have the time, sorry!!

**P.P.P.S.** Go to Youtube and search "Fred Gets Babysat." Seriously. You will be busting a rib laughing so hard. Unless you're really mature and find those kinds of things unfunny. Thankfully, I'm immature.


	7. It Hits the Fan

Supernatural Meets Sue-pernatural:

**Supernatural Meets Sue-pernatural**: 

A Mary-Sue Parody by Cassie Winchester

_**Firstly:**_ Yes, I know that I am a horrible person, a scourge on my family, etc. for being so lazy and caught up in school. And then getting caught up with my job. I must also admit that my muse has effectively gone on strike (how very WGA, right?) and won't work until I give her higher wages. Too bad for her, because I refuse to pay well.

_**Secondly:**_ A special thanks to my friends, who, after having read this toxic mutation that I've deemed to call a parody, have inspired me to continue the quest of discovering the true meaning of hell on earth (aka Mary Sue Supernatural fanfics.) This one's for you (and all future ones, hopefully.)

**The Road So Far:** **The players:** Bobby, Dean, Sam, Ellen, John. **The newcomer:** Jo Harvelle. **The problem:** An "innocent" purple diary of one deansmyhunkyxo19, filled with pornographic and very insulting "Supernatural-based" fanfiction. If you could even call that monstrosity a fanfiction. **The solution:** They're getting to that, hopefully.

**Disclaimer:** As always, I have yet to acquire rights and licensing to _Supernatural_ and all of its characters. When I do have said rights, you all will be the first to know, I promise. I do, however, own the following garbage: deansmyhunkyxo19, Mindy, Cindy, Roxxie/y/i and other Mary-Sue characters in the future. Yeah, I know. My life pretty much sucks. Don't rub it in.

And as per usual, the _real_ Supernatural cast would never act as outrageously or as creepily as they do in my fic. I apologize in advance: their over–the–top drama is merely for the purpose of parody. I _do_ know how they would act, unlike deansmyhunkyxo19. Okay, okay, on with the story already!!

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

**Chapter 7: It Hits the Fan**

"Well, hello to you too, Dean," Jo said, looking slightly hurt. But she bounced right back with a grin directed towards her mom. "You gonna be a gentleman and let me in or what?"

Dean grumbled something in reply and opened the door a little wider.

"You should be a little kinder to me, considering on what terms we parted last time," Jo sassed. "You know, what with your brother being possessed and almost killing me?"

Sam, hearing this from the living room, hung his head in shame and remorse.

"So, what's the deal with this whole thing?" Jo asked her mother as they made their way back to the living room. "You didn't really get to elaborate on that. Tell me everything, from the beginning."

"Weeellll," Ellen began, to the collective groans of the entire room…

So Jo had arrived to join in the fight, much to the discomfort and shame of the Winchester siblings. The last time they had met, Sam had been possessed by Meg the evil she–demon (albeit _hot_ evil demon, at least from Sam's perspective). EvilDemon!Sam had attempted to kill the young Harvelle, but not before telling her that Dean just wasn't that into her. Dean, knowing that this person –or thing– couldn't possibly be Sam, had come just in the nick of time to save Jo's neck (for the umpteenth time) and to discover the true reason behind Sam's mysterious personality disorder… Demonic possession can certainly mess up one's character complex.

Jo, having somewhat of an unrequited crush on the older, handsome Winchester, was crushed by the lack of attention he had showed towards her upon their last meeting. However, she had moved on and had taken the long months between then and now in order to do some amateur hunting and soul–searching. Needless to say, she was all but stunned by the fact that she had received a text message from none other than her mother, who had sworn never to talk to her daughter again.

Jo entered the room and threw her faded denim jacket over the coat rack sitting in the corner of the motel living room. She quickly greeted each of the people in the room in turn; a small gasp of shock escaped her lips when she saw a tall, dark-haired man with a beard and the same stubborn jaw and rugged five-o'clock shadow that Dean possessed, but with Sam's dimples and puppy dog eyes.

John Winchester.

He _had_ to be Sam and Dean's father. What the hell? He was supposed to be dead!

"I know I am," John answered the last part of her thought train, reaching forward to shake the astonished Jo's hand, who hadn't really meant to voice that last part out loud. "I don't know how the hell I got here in the first place, but I'm here now. Alive. And I'm not going anywhere." The last part was directed towards Sam and Dean, who were watching their father with inscrutable expressions on their faces.

Jo muttered, "Nice to meet you," as Dean fully introduced her. So John was alive… some weird crap was certainly going down in Motel Room 12.

Jo tried to lighten the increasingly suffocating mood of the room with a light joke. "So, seems that even hell couldn't stop you, John," she smiled, shaking her blond hair out of her eyes. John didn't even try to smile back.

"Oookay, then. Guess now's not the time for civilities." Jo perched on the armrest of the sofa where Sam and Dean were sitting and crossed her arms.

Ellen flung what appeared to be a purple, sparkly, fuzzy journal with golden lettering on the cover onto the coffee table in front of the whole group. It landed with a loud –**THUMP**!– and everyone in the room except for Jo jumped.

"Here it is," Ellen said in a hushed tone, as if afraid that her voice would awaken the beast lying beneath the fuzzy purple cover. "This is what has been giving us so much trouble."

Jo looked around at each of the room's occupants with a look of disbelief plastered on her face. "A _diary?_" She snorted, sitting down on the armrest of the nearest sofa. "You've gotta be joking, right?"

"That's what they all say," Sam whispered in a haunted voice, eyes closed. He was still curled in a fetal position, clutching a pillow from the sofa with a look of utter exhaustion and fear on his handsome visage. "And then… and then…" He couldn't even finish his sentence, he was so traumatized.

John interrupted to save his youngest son some face. "Just read the first chapter. You'll get the picture soon enough." He gingerly picked the purple book up from the coffee table and tossed it to the wide–eyed blonde, who barely caught it.

Everyone took a moment to look at the journal resting innocently in Jo's shaking hands. Dean involuntarily shivered and looked away. Bobby could have sworn that he could hear faint laughter resonating from the fanfiction atrocity. Jo swallowed and got a hold of herself, feeling slightly stupid about her fears. It _was_ just a journal after all… right? What on earth could possibly be so bad about it, anyway?

John waved an impatient hand. "C'mon! Just read it already!" he urged, voice barely maintaining his usual gruff timbre. Jo nodded quickly, frightened into submission.

Poor, innocent Jo. She had no idea what she was in for.

Jo cracked open the purple cover.

_Rise of the Huntress_

_Chapter 1:_

_It was late at night when Roxanne decided that it was time to make her way home. Roxanne worked the night shift at __**Prowl69,**__ a strip club in––_

"He didn't mean **read it out loud!**" Dean bellowed, covering his ears and cringing quite dramatically as everyone else cried out in agony, ears covered. Sam was rolling on the floor in pain and Bobby's face was tomato red. It seemed as if he was holding his breath as well as covering his ears, as if he couldn't stand to breathe the same air that deansmyhunkyxo19 had tainted with her poisonous words.

Jo was stopped midsentence by the loud protestations of her companions, each of whom looked like they had just experienced the after–effects of nuclear radiation. "What? What's so bad about that sentence?" Jo questioned, slightly ruffled.

"It's like having a proverbial _pinecone_ shoved up one's ass," Dean hoarsely groaned through his fingers, face in his hands. "Just… just read it. **To yourself**," he emphasized. The others nodded vehemently in agreement.

"It's interesting, though," Sam mused thoughtfully, dark brow furrowed. "The story starts out so innocently. No spelling mistakes or grammatical errors. It's almost like the book _wants_ you to read it, so that it can corrupt your soul… and send you to-to hell—" He tapered off to an end, seeing the positively petrified expressions of the others in the room. He coughed, and then waved Jo on. "Erm… I mean, Continue."

It all went downhill after that. Jo skimmed the next few chapters, and just by watching her face, you could tell which parts to which she had gotten. Mid Chapter 2, her face went red as she tried to stifle her laughter at deansmyhunkyxo19's description of "Sammich's" virginity. Then she got to Dean and Roxxie's various carnal sex scenes and she had to halt before her breakfast made a very unpleasant reappearance… all over the fanfiction she held in her hands.

"I've… read enough," Jo whispered, officially scarred for life. "Why the hell did you call me here?" She rounded on her mother angrily, tossing the book away from her onto the table once more.

"Because we thought the more people we have working this case, the better," Ellen reasoned, not quite meeting Jo's eyes. "Plus, we can't figure out a way to destroy it yet." She fiddled with the fastening on her coat as she said this not trusting herself to look her daughter in the eye.

"In other words," Bobby elaborated gruffly, "She wants you to suffer with the rest of us." Ellen shot Bobby a dark look and he whistled innocently.

"Oh, and by the way, Jo," Dean said in a low, suggestive bedroom voice. Raising an eyebrow cockily, he picked up the fanfiction and pressed it into her hands, grinning. "Newcomers… _read the next chapter._"

Jo let out a very unwomanly slew of curses and then to her mother for backup. It didn't come.

"But… but… I don't want… I mean, that's not such a good…" the overwhelmed blonde beseeched, looking around the room helplessly.

"Just **READ!**" Everyone in the room roared at her, and Jo meekly opened the book to Chapter 7. Instantly script magically flowed across the page and Jo had to close her eyes to keep herself from chucking the journal as far away from her as possibly and making a mad dash for the motel door, screw hunter loyalty.

"Are you sure you don't just want to let me––" Jo tried again, but Ellen just put a hand on Jo's arm and shook her head. It was the universal sign for, "If you don't read, you will regret it for the rest of your insignificant life."

Jo sighed. Dammit.

_Hay hay hay it's deansmyhunkyxo19 home skilletz! Yah boi! I no I no it's to good 2 b tru, yeh? I been gon for so long. I went on a ski trip w/my BF and we had some fun and wen I wrote this chap I thougt of all of my loverly reviewees. Chap 7 is gonna B so awesomely cool it's like unbelievable. I almost want to cry its so crazy good. Yah._

"Ugh," Jo made a face, squinting to try and decipher the jumble of "words" deansmyhunkyxo19 had written. "This is disgusting slander of the English language. How can anyone read this mess?"

"It gets worse, believe me," Sam whimpered from his perch at the end of the couch.

_Rizze of the huntres:_

_Chapstik 7_

_So, like last times roxxie and deany beany are in her bedrum and sammich and cinty and minty are in theirs bedrum doin' the sexy times! And who was dat watchin' roxxie during the par–tay? U'll find oot soon, promises! _

_So Sam gots led to Cindy and Minday's room, the physic twins, u remember?_

"Oh, believe me, we _remember_," Dean snorted, eyeing his younger brother with a grin and wiggling his eyebrows. "I believe deansmyhunkyxo19 just said you were about to do the 'sexy times?'"

Sam made a small noise of anguish from behind his protective pillow. "Shut up, Dean. I'm about to be violated by psychic twins from hell."

"Possibly multiple times, too," Dean gleefully reminded him, watching with satisfaction as Sam's eyes widened and he turned a shade reminiscent of a steamed crab. Hey, if Dean had to suffer, it seemed only appropriate that his baby bro had the same fate.

_Sammich is so scraed b/c he is virgin like teh olive oil. He also was relly excited b/c cindy and mindy were kinda hot, not like roxxie was but __almost__. Cindy and mindy giggled and led sammeh to der bed. Flippy flipping ther long blackish–pink hares, they started 2 strip tease 4 teh poor physic virgin hoo was hopless 4 their charms (the 'physic virgin' referred to is Spam, duh!)_

"_Spam_?" Jo giggled, pausing her reading to swivel her head towards Sam, or, as deansmyhunkyxo19 so lovingly put it, 'Spam.' "Like the lunchmeat, right?" Dean and Bobby had to join in on this one, laughing at the poor younger Winchester as he wallowed in a pool of self–pity.

"I'm _not_ lunchmeat!" Sam protested crankily, his words falling on deaf ears. "I'm practically the 'chosen one!' So you better start showing me some resepect!"

"Or you'll what?" Dean taunted. "Go all Darth Geek on us?"

Sam held up a lone finger in Dean's face. Take a guess at which finger it was.

_"We are going to maketh thou enjoey this," Mindy sexily purred, sexy words sexily escapping her sexy lips like sex. She pulled off her dress & she wasn't wareing anything under!! OMG wat a skank!! Haha jk, not 4 reals, we no shes no skank. She and mindy were well indowed in there chests 2, but not as much as roxxie._

"Okay, we get it!" John spat in exasperation. "Roxxy's better than Cindy and Mindy! I wish that deansmyhunkyxo19 and her slut character Roxxie would get over themselves."

"Unfortunately, she's _under_ 'Dean' at the moment," Sam managed to snap back triumphantly, jumping at the opportunity to give Dean a taste of his own snark.

"Oh look," Dean said in a monotone, not appreciating this conversation whatsoever, "Sammy made a _funny_."

He then proceeded to smack Sam upside the head.

"Ow!" Sam's eyes watered from the pain.

"Shut it, Spammich," Dean growled, turning his full attention back to Jo's reading.

_Spam's eyes widen'd as Cindy took his hand and pulled hin into a kiss. There tungs played a little like slimy slitherey eels_--(Sam gagged at this, biting down on his tongue in disgust)--_ nd then he collpsed on top of her, kissin like Saterday Night Feverishly. Ooooooooohhhh yeeaahhhhhhh…_

_"Hay!" Mindy pouoted, pretty mouth sad. "I wanna actionne too!" She jumped onto the twosome, making it a threesome! Sexy hawtness!!11111_

"Ha!! I _knew it!_ Threesome for Sammy!" Dean laughed, milking the situation for all it was worth. John shot Dean a withering look and Dean managed to keep his cackles to a dull roar. Sam's grip tightened around his pillow as he struggled against his desire to pummel the snot out of his older bro.

_It wuz like a Spammich Sandwich! It went Cindy, then Spam, then Mindy. Spam, gettin into it now, licked up and down Mindy's silky smooth--_

"Oh, that is just…!" Jo broke off, yelping. She paled, looking positively appalled as she scanned the purple fanfic. "That is just _so_ wrong! How the _hell_ is he supposed to do that when her leg's wrapped around his neck?"

"Lemme see," Dean lunged forward eagerly, horndog that he was.

"Oh, no you don't," Bobby grabbed Dean by the scruff of his neck and tossed him bodily back into his seat on the sofa. "Just siddown and shuddup."

Dean rubbed his neck ruefully, muttering a slew of profane expletives that would make a sailor blush. John smacked him soundly in the back of the head. Ellen quickly followed suit.

"Jesus! What the hell?" Dean bawled, clutching the back of his head. "Did I miss the newsletter or something? Is it time to play 'Whack Dean, the Piñata Boy'?

"I'm just gonna skip that particular scene," Jo hurried on, trying to weasel out of reading the rest of the fanfiction.

"Um, no," John decided, arms crossed and livid. "You're not getting any special privileges. If _we_ had to read, _you_ have to read. In its _entirety._" The rest of the room stared the young blond woman down.

Jo whimpered, but seeing she was overruled, she proceeded to read the next three pages describing Sam's lewd acts with a certain pair of psychic twins. Bobby's eyes were closed and his fingers plugged firmly in his ears. Ellen was gripping the armrest of Bobby's chair tightly, trying desperately not to keel over in a dead faint. John, trigger finger twitching longingly for a shotgun, simply looked like he wanted to shoot something.

Dean was watching his brother with an increasingly disgusted look on his face. Even _he_ had never done those disgusting, sexually explicit acts. He was having a hard time controlling his stomach, which was roiling with a deadly cocktail of beer, greasy Philly Cheesesteak Pizza, and the disturbing imagery from deansmyhunkyxo19's fic.

Sam was having an even harder time controlling his nausea. At one point, Sam jumped up from the couch and with a pained, "Excuse me," and proceeded to sprint off to the motel room's bathroom. The rest of the party could hear him retching from inside the living room.

"Uh, that's just plain _gross_," Dean wrinkled his nose. It was unclear as to whether he was referring to the particular excerpt from _Rise of the Huntress_ or to the fact that his brother had just tossed is cookies in the next room over _because_ of said fanfic.

Jo was struggling not to cry at this point, the stuff that she had just read was _that_ emotionally scarring.Taking a few deep breaths, she rushed into the next scene of deansmyhunkyxo19's fic, seeing with relief that Sam was not mentioned.

_WOW that was smokingggggg hotttttzzzz!! Esp. teh part w/Sam in the middle and the Mindy's ear part. _

_Okay so back 2 wat Deany Beany and Roxxy were doin. They were basicahly doin the same thing except even more crazy hot sex than poor virgin Spammich. It was sooo hawt it was like they were causin global warming!_

_"Woot woot," Dean said as they laid down after the crazy making of love they were ingaged in priorly. "Teh best sex of my life, fo' shizzle my nizzle,"_

"'Fo' shizzle?'" Dean looked aghast at this new choice of phrasing. "Since when have I _ever_ acted 'gangster?' Ever?" Dean questioned the heavens, as if expecting an answer. He received none.

_"omfg u r so rite it was like an gooey explosion of lurrve," roxxy cooed lovingly kissing dean's strong man–chest. Dean was so hawt. And sexy. ANad hawt. _

_And sexy._

_teh 2 lovers quickly fell 2 sleep. Little did they no they was being watched by the same freakiness that were watching them during the partay! OMG GASPS!!1111_

"Hopefully it's an assassin," Bobby grumbled, murderous. "I hope that skank gets what she deserves." Several heads nodded in agreement.

At that moment, Sam slunk his way back into the living room sheepishly. He was just a little pale but overall he looked a hell of a lot better than he had looked a few minutes ago. "Did I miss anything?" He asked quietly, slumping back down onto the couch with a trembling hand over his face.

"Not unless you count me having done it _again_ with the whore–skank–bitch–slut from Mary Sue Hell!" Dean gagged. "I _really_ need a shower. In, like, acid or something. Anything to get this story's stench off of me. All this sex–talk makes me feel disgusting!"

Wait, what? _Dean_, uncomfortable with _sex?_ Five pairs of eyes gazed at him with worried expressions.

"What?" Dean said, shrinking away from their concerned gazes. "Why are you looking at me like that?" He scowled. The rest of the room shook their heads in astonishment at the fact that he had basically said that sex wasn't worth the pain.

Ellen reached over and felt his forehead with the back of her hand, concerned. "Are you feeling okay? I mean, besides from the obvious." Dean pushed her hand away, rolling his eyes.

"Just read the stupid story before I go insane and become a Tibetan monk or something," Dean sulked. "At the rate this story is going, I don't think that I'll ever want to have sex ever again."

_What? _What was this story doing to Dean? The sounds of millions of fangirls crying out in horror and anguish met his ears and he shrugged apologetically. "Sorry, ladies, the Dean needs a break," Dean said modestly to thin air, earning him bewildered looks from his companions.

"And here we go again with the referring to oneself in third person," Sam muttered. "Sam thought we were finished with that."

As Dean opened his mouth to give Sam a piece of his mind, Jo decided that this was the perfect opportunity to cut in and get this crapfest over with.

_Teh creappy stare came from roxxie's closhit. roxxy and dean were aslep in each udders arms, it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo kewt!!11111111111111111!111!1111!!111 (__**A/N:**__ I now, dean and roxxie be perf 4 each of the other, rite! They is gonna get really serious relationship in fut. Chappies, dont worry much) roxxie's creepy clothesshit dore creaked open creepily. It were sooooo creepy. But they was asleep, so they didnt notice._

_An ugly–looking creepily guy with beard et baseball caps on his head slunk out like a creapy thingy. He had creapy beady glittering black eyes that was creapy too. He mad his way 2 roxxie and deany beany's bed of lurve and was watching them creepilly. _

"Exactly _how_ many uses and mis–spellings of the word 'creepy' can this girl use?" Ellen shook her head exasperatedly.

"A lot, apparently," John returned, equally as dumbfounded by deansmyhunkyxo19's stupidity and repeated abuse of the English language.

_Then teh creepy beardy dude, he held out a whitish cloth tingy coverd in that stuff that makes the people pass out. (__**A/n:**__ wat it called? Foroclorm? idk w/e it don't matter) he begain to cover roxxie's mouth withit. Omg! He wanted to makes her pass out to rapes her!!1111 wat a pervykins!!EEEEWWW_

_Anyway roxxie like woke up and screamed really loud like a angry baby on crack. It was good b/c she was soooooo powerful with magicky stuff that she wan't effected by teh foroclorm cloth. Deany beany woke up 2 by the scream and yelled in lalarm dat his roxxie was bein' rapeds (well, almost.) by the hairy beardy monstare!_

"Who in the hell would want to forcibly tap _that_?" Dean uttered, completely astonished at the fact that _anyone_ would even _consider_ raping the blond-slash-blue-pink-lowlight-haired Mary Sue spawn of Satan.

Jo nodded wordlessly in agreement. Sam gave an involuntary shudder at the thought.

_And den it was like roxxie let an loose energy from her hand because she was soooo scared! and she threw deh oogly beardy old man back into the wall, he was passied out or somethinks.--_

"Wait just one second…" Bobby interjected--

_"Omgizzle1234!" Dean shoutied as the creapy man fell in clump to the floor, dazed by the powerful magicky stuff Roxxie threw from her hands. "Who dat? __**Booby**__? Is dat u?"_

A stunned silence met the group as each person in turn swiveled their sympathetic gaze to Bobby, who sat, startled into silence, in his armchair, apparently too shocked for words. There was only one person in the Supernatural cast whose name resembled the "Booby" that deansmyhunkyxo19 had brought into her hellspawn of a fanfic.

"Bobby," Sam whispered, eyes wide and mouth wide open. "Hey, man, I'm so, so sorry…" He moved to give Bobby a man-hug but Bobby shrank away from the younger Winchester's touch. John just shook his head sadly.

The whole group seemed to mourn that yet another one of their party had been sucked into the purple demonic fanfic of death. Bobby looked like he had finally broken. He just sat there, staring at the motel carpet soundlessly, expressionless.

After a few minutes of complete silence, Ellen interjected.

"Just give him a few," Ellen murmured kindly, patting Bobby's arm soothingly. "Go on, Jo," she nodded encouragingly to her daughter, who looked like she would rather have jumped into a vat of molten lava than have to read the rest of the chapter.

_So OMG it were Bobby trying 2 rapes teh Roxxie!! (__**A/n: **__I know he's such a creeper, rite? He looks like teh ppl u sees on Americans Most Wanted or the 10 oclock news or sometinkle.) _

_Roxxie started 2 cry (after all, booby tried 2 rapes her.) Dean got really really really super dooper storm trooper mad then & he pulled out a BIGASS shogun. _

"_I'ma hurt u like a pigley wigley stuck on a stick, sucka," Dean roared, punching Booby hard on his ugly rapist beardy chin. "How dare you! You were like a father to moi and my little baby bro Sammich!" Dean smackied him again. Smack smack!_

_Bobby, un–stunned, sat up and glared at teh both o them. Then he yowled at the foxxy Roxxy (who still looked super cute in her PJs despite the hole Booby-attack-me thing) "You is dead! Shuttup! I kill u! You is werevamp, bad bad bad!! Die BEETCH!" he screeched B4 charging at Rox w/ a gross rusty kitschen nife. _

"That's right!" John roared, surprising everyone. "Die, bitch!"

Dean started to slow clap. Wiseass.

"_STFU N00B!" Dean bellowed like a crazy thing on crazy pills and he smashed and bashed Booby's brains in w/ his shotgun, protectin his sexy lover, Roxxy. Bobby went CRASH 2 tha floor. HAHA TAKE THAT PERV RAEPIST--!_

"Sorry," Dean felt the need to apologize to the still shell–shocked Bobby for his very violent fic–self. He waved his hand in front of Bobby's glassy eyes. "Okay, then. We'll just… continue that discussion later…" Dean trailed off lamely, shrugging at Jo, who continued, albeit quite unwillingly.

_"Wats goin' on!!" Sam screamed as he charged into Roxxy and Deany's room. He heard teh noize & he went 2 check up on them "OMG I SEE a BOOBY!" He saw the Bobby lying on teh floor and he passied out 2 from the excitedments of it all. Poor baby got so tired from all the SEX he had wwith teh physic twins that he couldn't contain hisself. __**BOOM!**__ he crashed to the flooring, knocking his huge-ish and entirehly freaky cro-magnon skull in le proces._

"Heh. Cro-Magnon," Dean chuckled to himself.

Sam shot such a withering glower at Dean that it rightfully should have melted the skin clean off his face. Ellen, too, gave Dean a disapproving glare. Jo hid a smile behind her hand, but a giggle escaped her lips.

"Hm," Sam noted weakly, choosing to ignore his brother in a dignified approach. "I seem to pass out in every chapter. Wish I could just _stay_ passed out," he added wishfully. The poor Winchester seemed not to fully grasp the concept that we can't always get what we want.

_"deanny," roxxy purred, "That was like sexy mad crazy stuff hawt when u attackted that pervy old beardy hunter Booby 2 save meh." She huggled Dean round his cute neck and gave him a humongo hickey as a present. It was shaped like the logo of the puddy tat dollz, oddly enough, witch were deany beany's and roxxie's fave band._

"Eugh," Dean massaged his neck, lip curling in disgust. "That hickey makes me feel all… icky." (**A/N:** Shoutout to J. Dickey, my sista from another mista. How's that for alliteration? Haha) Dean squirmed uncomfortably in his seat at the thought of deansmyhunkyxo19's Mary Sue wrapping her slimy, over-lipsticked mouth slowly around his neck, like some freakish vampire from…

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Okay, **Cassie Winchester**?" Dean addressed the author of the fanfic you are currently reading.

(**A/N:** Yes, Dean?)

"Stop. Just… just _stop_ with the gross analogies and crap!" Dean shuddered, hugging himself and glaring into thin air, where he supposed Cassie Winchester would reside. "I get enough flak thrown my way from the psychotic writers that Eric Kripke employs! I face demons and poltergeists on a daily friggin' basis! I don't need more of _this_ crap—" Dean snatched the purple "diary" from Jo's shaking grip and shook it with raw frustration—"from a _fanfiction_ author like you!"

(**A/N:** _Excuse_ me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? And why must you say it with such scorn in your voice?)

"Yeah! He's right!" Sam piped up, brow furrowing in annoyance. He seemed ready to give Cassie Winchester a piece of his mind. "I mean, that whole bit about me having a Cro-Magnon skull? That was really going too far. And the whole making fun of me because I'm a virgin? How immature can you get?" He crossed his arms and sulked moodily in the corner seat of the sofa.

(**A/N:** Um, I speak only the truth. Plus, your forehead _is_ sort of sloped in a style that suggests that—)

John cut in, shaking a fist into thin air. "What's with all this out-of-character nonsense that you are typing? It's utterly a disgrace to all that is _Supernatural_! There is _**no way**__ in hell_ I would, well, get _out _of _hell_! And what's with all of the weird random tangents you go off on? Like the one you wrote right here?!"

(**A/N:** One, yes, you did get out of hell. Remember the season two finale? Two, I am _not_ random, although I _do_ like ice cream. And three, watch it buddy. You're pushing it. I've written you into my story, and I can always write you out!)

"Oh, is that supposed to be a threat?" John bristled, reaching for his gun. Sam grabbed it before his father could and held it out of reach.

Bobby stood up on shaky feet, apparently finding his voice after a serious traumatic event. "Never. Again. Will I put up with this. This is the last straw, Cassie Winchester. Wendigos I can handle. Vampires. Demons. Tricksters. But Mary Sues? So help me God, I—" Bobby looked about ready to throttle the author of this story, but Ellen restrained him, much to my—I mean, Cassie Winchester's—relief.

Ellen looked just as livid. "Just… Finish up with this stupid, _infernal_ story. I can't believe we were stupid enough to sign that fifteen-chapter contract. Dumbest thing I've ever done in my life."

Jo just shook her head sadly, wishing she was elsewhere, instead of in this zany, out-of-character-ish fanfiction.

(**A/N:** _Exactly._ You signed a contract. You are legally—well, not really, but we're pretending here—bound by contract to finish this fanfic! So once you're all finished insulting my humble work of _Supernatural_ fanfiction, quiet on the set! I apologize, readers, for this wacky intervention of what could have been an okay storyline.

Back to your regularly scheduled mayhem.)

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Eugh," Dean massaged his neck, lip curling in disgust. "That hickey makes me feel all… icky." Dean squirmed uncomfortably in his seat at the thought of deansmyhunkyxo19's Mary Sue wrapping her slimy, over-lipsticked mouth slowly around his neck, like some freakish vampire from the dark corners of Master Kripke's brain.

"Let's get on with it, shall we?" Jo prodded, eager to finish this suckfest sometime in the next century. She tossed her light hair out of her eyes and cleared her throat for emphasis. Turning a page in the fanfiction diary, she waited until the page had finished writing itself before continuing to read.

"_deanny," roxxy purred, "That was like sexy mad crazy stuff hawt when u attackted that pervy old beardy hunter Booby 2 save meh." She huggled Dean round his cute neck and gave him a humongo hickey as a present. It was shaped like the logo of the puddy tat dollz, oddly enough, witch were deany beany's and roxxie's fave band._

_"It's cuz I love u," Dean whispered into her platinum black–slash–pink–blue–lowlighted–curly–slash–straight down–to–her–firm–butt locks of hare. _

"Platinum black," John stated, eyebrow raised. "That's something I'd like to see."

"Please, I don't want a visual," Ellen groaned. "Anything that's a part of Roxxie/y is a part that I definitely do _not_ want to see. As in ever."

"Ugh, thank you," Dean praised.

Sam nodded. Bobby, seemingly comatose, didn't say anything. Poor thing was probably still in shock.

_:So wat he want, suga?" Dean questioned the foxxy Roxxy, who shiverd with lust at the sexiness of his sexy voice. "Did Dean make teh bad man go away?"_

"_Yah, thanks much," Roxxie replied. _

"_Whateth happenedeth?" Mindy and Cindy said teh same time. They had come into the room following the Spammich to find out the source of all the screaming. They shouted with alarm wen they saw the prone Booby lying on the floor like an ugly hairy rug. "Who dat?"They saw Sam on floor 2 but did not help himm._

"_Dat be Booby," Dean explained. "He is a bad man. I though he was my fwiend, but he is not, cuz he hurt my woman, Roxxy. That makes me sad. A tear is running down my face." And, indede, a tear was runned down his handsome, chisel'd manly rugged sexy hawt face. Roxxy, seeing the unusually display of manly emoticons that Deany Beany were showing, cooed with empathy and lean up to lick tear tracks off her sexy hawt lover's stubbly cheeks. Rawrrrr sexxxxy._

"S-stoppit!" Dean cried, clutching his cheeks with both hands. "It burns!"

Sam let out a small "ha!" of triumph, apparently enjoying his older brother's pain a little _too_ much.

"_I tellya wat, Deany Beany," ROxxy said, smiling as she wond her platinum-pink-black hair 'round her lean finger. "Howzabout you tigh him up using your sexy mussels, and a rope, o'course," she giggled and Dean winked, "and then I TORTURE HIM USING MY SOOPER COOL MAGICKY STUFF!!1111"_

"No need to shout there, Jo," John said, ears firmly plugged.

"Sorry. The writing was in all caps," Jo sheepishly admitted.

"_Gee, that's a super duper idea-eth," Mindy agreed, nodded. "May we helps? We as physics can use our compined strengths to keep him from attacks while you go inside hims mind to find out y he wanna kill you?"_

"_Yah, and I wanna find out about all dis werevampy shit," Roxxie decided decisively. "Deany Beany, grab somes ropes. To tie Booby's hands together." She cleared teh floor by kicking the still KO'd Spam out of the way. _

"_We no have no ropes," Deany Beany replied, frustrated._

"_You silly goose," Roxxy kissed his cheek hotly at his stupidittitiy. Someties Deany Beany doesn't' act too smart. He _is_ a blond afteh all. But the look good wit his brown eyez._

"Jesus H. Christ and disciples," Dean swore, jumping to his feet. "For the **last freaking time**!" Dean started ticking deansmyhunkyxo19's offenses off on his fingers. "I do _not, _nor have I ever, possessed blue _or_ brown eyes. My eyes are greenish in color! And my hair is not blond! And I is not dumb!"

"I 'is'?" Sam questioned, brow quirked.

"Ohmyfrigginggod," Dean covered his mouth with a gasp. His GREENISH! eyes were wide with fear and horror. "I'm turning into one of… _them_…" He pointed a shaking finger at the purple fuzzy notebook clasped tightly in Jo's hands.

There was a long, pregnant pause in which no one dared to move, blink, or breathe. The journal seemed to pulse with evil.

"Let's just finishthisjournalup, shall we?" Jo gushed, breathless after several minutes. "Look!" She started to laugh (or cry?) hysterically. "Last paragraph! Hahaha..!"

"_You silly goose," Roxxy kissed his cheek hotly at his stupidittitiy. Someties Deany Beany doesn't' act too smart. He _is_ a blond afteh all. But the look good wit his brown eyez._

"_We just haz to use teh rope we use to tye each other up in bed!!" Roxxie proclaimed proudly. _("Yeesh," Ellen said, more than a little grossed out. "I did _not_ need to know exactly what kind of sex toys Roxxy employs with Dean.")

"_Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I get it now!" Dean said like a ditzy, but très, très sexy and manly, blond girl. _

_And so Dean set about tying up the beardy oogly Booby while Cinty and Minty tried to revive Sam with the utilization of CPR (again! Hahaha sam, you sneaky sex addic!), who use the opportunity to French kiss the physic twins upon there Botoxed-I mean perfectly __**natural**__ (but not really)- lips. _

_Meanwhile ROxxy had to deal with the fact that unless she step'd up to the plate about being the Choson Werevamp, she would bee hunted for maybe the rest of here __**life!**__ Legasp!!111_

"Oh, now that would be a tragedy," John rolled his eyes in a very un-John-like manner. "What I wouldn't give to get a shot at hunting down that Mary Sue."

"I'll help," Sam said, face growing dark. "We could hang up her pink and blue hair extensions up on the cabin wall like a hunting trophy." He decided, bloodthirsty thoughts getting the better of his normally sweet nature.

"Okay, that's the end of that chapter," Jo proclaimed, relief clearly evident in her voice. "We just have the author's note at the end."

"Yes!" Ellen cheered. "This is my favorite part!"

_**A/N:**__ Oookey dookey so yah tha was a cool twist, don't think you? so you betta tune in next time for teh next awesome-o chappie!! Wat was booby doin' there? Y he wanna kill Roxxie? & will Roxxy finaly become teh Chosen 1? Find out next timeeee!!_

"No review responses?" Ellen asked in a forlorn tone, face falling.

"Nope," Jo skimmed the rest of the page, looking for any sign of deansmyhunkyxo19's characteristic ballistics at seeing her review flames. "None. Oh, wait, she _does_ have a post-script."

"Will this chapter ever _end_?" Sam wailed into his pillow, which he was still clutching tightly.

_Ps. I decide today that I m nottt gonna write any reveiw responeses b/c i get lotsa flames (wich are BOGUS btw) and I dont wanna give the STOOPID FALMERS teh satisfactionne of getting a responds. If u wanna reveiw thid chappie you can, but NO FLAMEZ U STOOPID FOCKERS! _

_To thos of u who actually sent nicereviews, tanks a bundle but sry I not gonna respond. Love you tho, you get __**A MILLIOINE HUGS FROM DEANSMYHUNKXO19!!1! **__Yay for you!_

"Who in the _hell_ would send this psychopath nice reviews?" Dean queried, shaking his head in disappointment at the fanfiction community. "_Or _be a willing recipient of 'a millioine hugs from deansmyhunkyxo19!!1!'? It's just encouraging the beast."

With a relieved sigh, Jo dropped the purple fanfiction diary to the coffee table, exhausted. "Is it like this every time you read a chapter?"

"Yes," John said, voice haunted. "Drains you, doesn't it?"

Jo nodded, then looked around the room to survey the damage the fanfiction had caused. Bobby was sitting rigid in the armchair across from the sofa, eyes wide and unblinking. The diary seemed to have made him snap. Ellen was patting Bobby's arm soothingly, but her own nerves reared their ugly head as she worried her bottom lip so much that it had turned a bright cherry red. John was standing by the screen door, hands clasped tightly at his sides, grinding his teeth. Dean was lounging on the sofa, wanting to look carefree, but his jaw was clenched tightly and his hands were sweating. And Sammich? Poor Sam was balled up on the sofa next to his brother, clasping his favorite pillow in a death grip. Every six seconds precisely his left eye would twitch. And Jo was still shaken from having to read from the purple fuzzy fanfiction abomination from hell.

Jo sighed. Oh, the damage was bad. Well, the only way to get through this was to plow forward, Jo decided to herself.

"Whose turn is it to read next?"

**Author's Note:** Whoo. I've outdone myself. The longest chapter I've written, I think. Twenty full pages in Microsoft Word. Please consider this a peace offering, as well as a temptation to lure new readers as well as give a shoutout to those who _were_ my reviewers… that is, if anyone is still alive out there.

So. Yeah. I've updated. I'm not even sure if there are people who even read this anymore. It's been what… a year? And I haven't updated. So feel free launch a cyber–bazooka at me for abandoning you. I can't make any promises about updating, but I've actually jotted down the storyline from start to end, so I know how I want it to turn out, meaning that I **will** finish the story. I don't know when, I certainly don't know how, but I will.

Oh, and, uh, the randomness in the middle of the story? Yeah, sorry about that. I wrote that at, like 11PM one night and I decided to keep it in, just to see what people thought of it. Don't worry, there won't be any more random conversations between me and my fanfiction puppets –cue creepy laugher-

**Review Responses:**

sparkyCSI: Haha thanks for taking the time to review and sticking with the story (at least up until December, anyway.) I hope that maybe you'll find this story once more.

psiChic: Glad I still can make people laugh. And no, I'm not dead :) Just sleeping

beautiful dreamere: –looks around nervously– Er… you wouldn't kill me if I said that I can't find your hack, would you? Gah! –facedesk– I'm such an idiot. But I feel like you deserve an explanation: I saved your hack to my mom's computer, and when it got a virus they had to wipe the hard drive. So everything, including my fics, are in cyberheaven now. I didn't even get to save anything, so I had to start from scratch and it got really stressful and… –sigh– Sorry.

Neko–Ochz: Oh, god… An HP Mary Sue fic? The world really is going to hell, isn't it? lol

Bookworm81818: I'm glad you've stuck w/me since the beginning. Hopefully this chapter will get you off my lazy case :P

Mummyluvr: Oh, don't worry, Kripke will play a major role in the upcoming chapters… stick around and find out! –cue evil music– Mwahahaha!

Lennon Drop: –cringes– I know. Don't hate me for not updating in such a long time. You have no idea what it's like to go to a school like I do. At this rate, I'll go bald from pulling my hair out by the time I'm 21! Hope you'll take this chapter as a peace offering…

Strange oblivion: Thanks for the reviews (real and fake.) Glad I made ya laugh, that makes me get all warm and fuzzy inside when I hear such positive reviews :)

Kerri B.: Thanks! Here's another one to sink your teeth into. I hope you haven't forgotten poor Deany Beany and Sammich over here, lol.


	8. Madness, Like Gravity

**Supernatural Meets Sue-pernatural**: 

A Mary-Sue Parody by Cassie Winchester

**The Road So Far:** If you've made it this far without tossing your cookies at deansmyhunkyxo19's terrible attempt at _Supernatural_ fanfiction, then I commend you. I don't think we need a recap at this point… -shudder-

**Disclaimer:** Don't own _Supernatural_, and at the rate I'm going, I probably never will. All recognizable characters belong to Master Kripke and the wonderfully imaginative team of writers for Supernatural. I do, however own the comparative crap that follows: deansmyhunkyxo19, and the Terrible Trio: Roxxie, Cindy, and Mindy. They're up for auction next week on eBay, folks.

_**Author's Prelude:**_ 'Prelude' just sounds so eloquent, doesn't it? Heh.

Just to warn you, this chapter's a bit darker than the others. It's still lighthearted, but I've added a bit more of a, well, _Supernatural_-esque feel to it. **Also note** this story will have a lot more… _story_ to it, as I believe in character development as well as character bashing. Therefore, be prepared for possibly my longest chapter yet (**edit:** Holy crap, Batman! 30 full pages in Word! That's a record for me!) ! So, enjoy, and review, of course. Stick around for the Author's Note for an important opportunity for all of you to influence what happens in the next chapter!

Also, special shoutout to **beautiful_dreamere:** you might be seeing your hack sometime in the future of my fic. As in, the next chapter, perhaps? Just a little foreshadowing. 

_**Please Note:**_ **The plot technically took place between Seasons 2 and 3**, but I'm allowing the story to grow with the new seasons, meaning after I bring in the last of the older characters, I'm bringing in the new ones. Which means a possible angel appearance (or two) in the future… Also, the Colt has not been sold by that bitch Bela and is still in the boys' possession. Just for the sake of storytelling.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

**Chapter 8: Madness, Like Gravity…**

Jo sighed. Oh, the damage was bad. Well, the only way to get through this was to plow forward, Jo decided to herself.

"Whose turn is it to read next?"

Silence fell thickly upon Room 12 of the Republic Inn. It permeated every part of the room, clogging the air, making it difficult for the room's occupants to breathe. Everyone seemed to be in some stage of post-traumatic stress.

In the middle of the room sat the source of all the suffering, the Mother of All Things Evil, the purple, magical, _fuzzy_ diary. It just sat there on the coffee table, innocent and closed. No one in the room seemed to want to get any closer to its cheery, fur-encased lavender bindings. Jo, having just finished reading the last chapter of the fanfiction that lay within, sat perched on the armrest of the living room sofa, nervously chewing her nails. On the same sofa, Dean and Sam sat sprawled at opposite ends. Sam was still experiencing the after-effects of the toxic words of deansmyhunkyxo19 and Dean just looked downright pissed the hell off. John was in a similar state of mind as Dean, skulking in a dark corner of the room, brow furrowed as his mind worked furiously to try and find some way out of this literal hell on earth. And poor Bobby was still sitting in the armchair across, shell-shocked by the fact that he had been brought into 'rize of teh huntresss,' or however deansmyhunkyxo19 was spelling it these days. Ellen was trying in vain to comfort the poor man.

God, what a complete mess.

"So, did we ever get around to finally deciding who goes next?" Jo asked in a slightly high voice than normal, grimacing as she eyed the purple fanfiction before them all.

"If I remember correctly," Dean ventured tentatively, "It was Sammy before you, Jo, and Bobby came right after him, so technically, Bobby would be—" he eyed Bobby's comatose state, "You know what? I think that Bobby deserves a 'get out of hell free' card on this one."

Ellen nodded resignedly, passing a hand over her weary face. "I guess that leaves me, right? I read right after Bobby."

Dean nodded somberly, reaching out and grasping the binding of the book that had caused the residents of Room 12 so much grief over the past several hours. Ellen leaned forward, hands trembling, and held out her hand expectantly. Dean dropped the diary unceremoniously into the barmaid's upturned palm.

The whole room turned to face Ellen Harvelle as she slid her finger between the pages of the diary, looking for where they had left off last. "Before I begin, I don't suppose that _I_ could use my 'get-out-of-hell-free' card on this one, can I?" Ellen tried in a half-joking, half-serious tone, plastering a weary smile on her face to garner some sympathy from her fellow hell-mates.

John laughed dryly.

"Two words. No. And, let's see, _**no.**_" He ticked them off his fingers for emphasis. Sam and Dean nodded categorically. Jo just shrugged, not offering her mother any support, and started to gnaw her lower lip in anxiety.

Ellen sighed. "I thought it was worth a shot, anyway," she muttered gruffly, pursing her lips as she studied the fanfiction in her hands. She held the diary aloft, with as little skin contact as possible.

The whole room watched the book with baited breath, both anticipating and dreading what words deansmyhunkyxo19 would butcher next. A ringing sort of sound seemed to be filling the increasingly stifling air, making it harder and harder to concentrate. The journal pulsed, lavender cover seeming to grow an even darker shade of purple.

The diary began to work its magic on the unsuspecting victims in the room. The downward spiral had begun, just like it had planned…

Wait, what?! Was this journal a _sentient_ object? That would be a great plot twist, eh?

Sam cocked his head, eyes glazing over as he stared, mesmerized, at the diary's jacket cover, at the gold lettering that glinted brightly there, twisting and undulating as he stared harder and harder at the text. Dean's eyes widened as the diary consumed his thoughts like the raging inferno of wildfire. The older Winchester became increasingly more agitated, running his hands through his hair and jiggling his legs wildly, further adding to the neighboring Jo's anxiety. Dean wanted—no, needed— to get closer to the diary, to hold it… John got this mad glint in his eye, as if he were thinking just how he would end someone's life, and enjoy the process. And Bobby… poor 'Booby' had retreated inside the deep recesses of his mind in an attempt to avoid deansmyhunkyxo19's treachery. Ellen was the one left holding the diary, a fate worse than death.

It was getting to them.

Slowly but surely, the fanfiction was getting to them.

And, Ellen realized with the gradual dawning of realization, there was nothing they could do about it. Hunters had never encountered this kind of dark material before… Where would it end? _Would_ it end? Did this accursed book of evil even _have_ an ending? Ellen immediately put an end to those kinds of thoughts. The thought of the fanfiction never ending hadn't occurred to the older Harvelle until this moment, and for good reason. That nightmare was enough to send even the most bloodthirsty demon back to the comparatively comfy confines of hell.

Suddenly, Ellen felt a trickle of something wet and warm slide down her left hand, which was holding deansmyhunkyxo19's journal. With a horrified gasp, she looked down at the diary in her hands, thinking it was urinating on her or something equally as disgusting (after all, who knew what this diary was capable of?). What she saw, however, was even worse.

The diary wasn't relieving its bodily functions over her hands.

It was gushing _blood_.

Fountains and geysers, gallons and oceans of warm, wet blood.

It spurted and pulsed erratically between the pages of the diary in dark crimson rivulets as if the thing had a _**heartbeat**_, coursing, sliding down her hands and arms and streaming to the ground without so much as a whisper, a trickle of sound. It was so much blood that it formed a puddle at her feet, a rapidly growing stain upon the motel room's carpet; it was dark, almost black, and had a thick, syrupy consistency. Ellen was frozen in place with fear, locked under the crushing weight of terror. She tried to relinquish her grip from the purple-bound cover of the fanfiction abomination, but her hands were welded on, as if her fingers and the bloody diary before her were one living entity. Ellen could **hear** the heartbeat thrumming from the diary now; it filled her senses, clouding her vision with it, smothering her ears with it, clogging her pores with it! It pounded on her eardrums with an increasingly frenzied tattoo and it was all she could do to open her mouth and try to scream… but sound seemed to be yet another thing trapped in the black hole that was stuffed thick with soundproof nothingness.

_Why does no one else __**notice**__ this?_ Ellen's brain screamed frenetically as she sat, rooted to the spot, blood still spraying from the open pages of the book and quickly, silently, coagulating on the floor. _**Look**__ at them! _The rest— Jo, Dean, Sam, John, Bobby—were all just sitting there, watching the diary in her hands raptly, as if the sight of the blood made them _hungry._

Without warning, Dean rose swiftly and fluidly from his seat and started forward menacingly, arm outstretched towards Ellen, who couldn't move. John followed, like a dark shadow. Both had blank and glazed expressions blanketing their faces, which suddenly weren't their faces anymore; they had become grey and demonic in appearance, shuddering and warping, twisting and warping violently in place as if Ellen had hellhounds on her tail and was nearing the afterlife. The creatures staggered towards her, hands clawed and extended, ready to draw blood… More _blood_…

Ellen opened her mouth to scream once more—

_**BOOM!**____**BOOM!**____**BOOM!**_

Sharp, crisp knocks on the motel door startled everyone out of their, er, rather violent reveries.

With a shuddery gasp, Ellen looked down at her hands again only to see the diary resting there, perfectly purple and beatific, not a splash of bloody crimson in sight. Ellen let out a choked, low sob, and her hands trembled and gave way. The diary fell onto the coffee table with a hollow thud as Ellen rose and backed into the wall, trying to put as must distance as physically possible between herself and what had just turned into her worst nightmare.

"Ellen?" John queried, concern evident in his voice. "Are… are you alright?" Dean and he were in the same position they were in a few minutes ago, on the sofa and standing in the corner, respectively. Dean hadn't come closer to her and John wasn't trying to hurt her. Their faces looked as she had always remembered.

"It was all in my head," Ellen sighed a deep breath of relief, clutching her forehead and with quaking hands. Jo cautiously stepped forward, arms open. Gently taking her mother in her arms, Jo hugged her tightly to her, alarmed by what had just occurred. Silent tears coursed down Ellen's face as she crumpled into Jo's embrace.

"What happened?" Jo asked her obviously shaken mother with worry. "It was the diary, wasn't it? What did it do?" The rest of the room, concerned as well, held themselves back but listened closely to Ellen.

"It—I—The diary made me _see_ things," Ellen whispered through barely parted lips. "Blood. So m-much blood. Everywhere. I was trapped, I couldn't move, I couldn't scream—" Ellen's voice broke and she shuddered, remembering the claustrophobic moment more clearly than ever. She slowly sat down on the arm of the chair Bobby was sitting in.

Dean swallowed hard. To see a hardass wife of a hunter like _Ellen Harvelle_ shaken by a supernatural object was not something to be taken lightly. The fanfiction had shown a much darker, sadistic side that Dean had hoped only manifested itself in the actual story; it was quickly becoming clear that this diary was no mere _fanfiction_. It was proving itself to be a very powerful, possibly sentient, dark object. One that was biding its time, waiting for the right time to reveal its hand…

Dean shook his head. It was just a damn book. A purple, fuzzy, hideous fanfiction of a book that just happened to have magical powers that wrote the story as you read it and protected itself from harm. But still, just a book.

Dean's inner voice snorted at this feeble attempt to reason with sanity. _You see crazy crap like this every day, Dean_, he reminded himself. _It's just like any other gig. Find out what the book's weaknesses are, exploit it, kill it. Simple._

Uh huh. You keep telling yourself that, cowboy.

**BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!**

The impatient caller knocked thrice more upon the motel door. Sam heaved a dramatic sigh and, shooting Ellen a concerned look, stood up to answer the door.

"I'll get it." He muttered, seemingly to no one, and headed towards the hallway.

"Well?" Dean interrogated Ellen impatiently, leaning forward and giving her a searching sweep of his eyes. "What _actually_ happened? You never said."

Ellen didn't say a word. Her lips were pressed together so tightly that it would have taken a crowbar, three firefighters, and a whole lot of Crisco to get her lips pried open.

"Ellen?" A gruff voice at her elbow questioned. Well, well, well. Seems like Bobby had decided to come back to us, after the shock of being introduced into deansmyhunkyxo19's last chapter. "You alright?"

Ellen barked a short, nervous laugh, but her eye twitched as she tried to look at the fanfiction but couldn't quite do it.

"Uh, guys?" Sam called from the doorway in a slightly more strained voice than normal.

John waved a dismissive hand. "Not now, Sam. Ellen, you have to tell us _exactly_ what happened. Anything you remember could help us understand the damned book better. Maybe even learn how it thinks, how to kill it."

Ellen opened her mouth to speak, couldn't find the words, and closed it.

"C'mon, Mom," Jo soothed gently, grabbing her mother's hand, "It's alright. The more we know, the better chance we have of preventing it from happening again."

Ellen nodded and tried to muster the courage.

"Guys?" Sam's voice came into the living room, again sounding strained. "I know now's not the best time, but…"

"Sam, shut up!" Dean hollered back to the hallway—

— "_**Why don't you listen to the boy?**_" a voice echoed into the room, sliding in like a cloud of black smoke. Oh, wait, maybe that was a cloud of black smoke.

Dean and John jumped up at the same time without thinking. They knew that voice all too well.

"Bobby!" Dean yelled, grabbing his Colt 1911 semi-automatic and making a mad dash toward the door, to Sam. Bobby, all post-_fanfictum_ depression forgotten, had already pulled out the newly restored Colt and was up and ready to take on their new visitor. John quickly followed Dean in a low crouch, pressing a finger to his lips to signal the rest of the room to keep quiet. (**A/N:** Yes, I know that the Colt is gone, but for the sake of the story let's just pretend Bela Talbot never happened)

Dean released the safety on his gun. The cool metal felt cool and familiar in his grip, a comfort despite the fact that he knew emptying the gun's chamber of silver bullets wasn't going to protect anyone in this room.

"**Not so fast, Rambo,**" the disembodied voice chuckled as Sam backed slowly into the room first, hands on top of his head in a gesture of submissiveness. "**Don't want to get the poor Samsel in distress caught in the cross-fire, do we?**"

Bobby and Dean gave a shout of alarm as their guns were wrenched from their grip and tossed across the room, out of sight and reach. The rest of the room's occupants found themselves thrown bodily against the poinsettia-embellished walls of the motel room.

"Aw, crap," Jo breathed, finally putting two and two together (snaps for blondie!). "That's not…"

"…A demon!" Ellen finished for her, struggling in vain against her invisible bonds.

"Not just any demon!" Dean panted, writhing against the wall like a madman. "It's—" His head cracked forcefully against the wall by the demon's powers and he grunted in pain, vision swimming.

"—It's _**Him**_!" John snarled, animalistic rage etched into every shadow of his face. "_**Azazel!**_"

Jo and Ellen gasped, Bobby and Sam cursed, and Dean roared in frustration as he bucked violently against his demonic fetters.

The demon—_The _**Demon**—stepped into the motel room, revealing himself at last. He began a slow clap.

"**Took you long enough,**" the Yellow Eyed Demon chuckled quietly, casting a golden eye over the occupants of the room with barely masked disdain. "**I was starting to think you'd forgotten an old friend.**"

"You bastard," growled Bobby from his position in the corner of the room. "How did you come back? Dean_ killed_ you! We _saw_ you _die!_"

"**He shot me right through the heart, to be precise, if you theoretically suppose that I had one,**" Azazel said casually, as if he were simply commenting on the weather instead of planning Armageddon, Round II. "**Same me, different meat suit. And yet… here I am.**" The demon finished, patting his new, possessed body with a wicked curve to his lips that scarcely resembled a smile.

He looked about the room with circumspection. The demon's brow furrowed suddenly in mild bewilderment. "**Which is… **_**where**_**, exactly?**" His eyes flickered, giving off the appearance of a nocturnal animal as opposed to a demon.

Sam laughed harshly, the noise coming out of his mouth sounding more like a savage growl than laughter. "You mean you don't know?" _Yeah, okay buddy, whatever, _was left unsaid.

The YED sighed and rolled his golden luminescent eyes as if he were dealing with a two-year-old.

"**No, I do **_**not**_**,**" Azazel mused thoughtfully, tapping his fingers against his chin in wonderment. "**One moment, I'm down in hell's kitchen sipping from a nice steamy mug of celebratory 'Congratulations, you just got shot with the Colt by Rambo and Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child, so enjoy purgatory for the rest of your unnatural life,'"** the demon snorted, "…**and the next thing I know, my soul, or lack thereof, is being yanked back—quite unceremoniously, I might add—to your bright and shiny middle ground, full of puppies and kittens and rainbows. Can't say I oppose this rather favorable relocation, to be honest," **Azazel admitted with a wry expression.

"But… the Colt is supposed to _kill_ demons! You're not supposed to exist!" Sam spluttered, vein throbbing in his temple as he violently thrashed.

Azazel threw Sam a look which clearly read, "Bitch, please." **"It takes more than some holy sacred bullet to kill someone like **_**me,**_** boy."** He stated simply. The rest of the room gaped.

"**Anyhoo, so where was I?**" The Yellow Eyed Demon pondered. "**Ah, yes. Hell. Well, torture in hell makes Gitmo seem like a five-star spa and massage. You, of all people, would know that, wouldn't you Deano? You know how much they **_**carve**_**, how much they **_**slice**_** fleshy bits and tender pieces out of you each day, then sew you up to start the endless process all over again.**" Yellow-Eyes addressed the wide-eyed Dean, who stilled his feral attempts to shake free of the demon's grasp.

"**And you, John,"** Azazel continued, savoring every flicker of pain and emotion that flashed in John's Winchester's face.** "You **_**know**_** how there is no concept of time, no sense of days or nights or weeks or years. It all seems like the passage of millennia. An eon filled with suffering and carnage the likes of which **_**most**_** of you—" **The Yellow Eyed Bastard emphasized the word _most_, and got the satisfaction of a flinch from both son and father, "—**have never experienced."**

Everyone's mouth hung open, except for Dean and John. No one dared speak or make eye contact with either Winchester.

"**So, really," **Yellow Eyes concluded, drawing himself up to his full height, "**Earth, huh? Pretty nice change of pace. I'd still like to know the answer to my question. Where exactly am I?"**

Yellow Eyes simply crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, waiting for their reply.

There was a long, weighty pause, in which no one dared answer the YED's explanation.

"You do realize that you're so _obviously_ shitting us, right?" Dean, cocky as ever, finally burst out. "No one's buying your crap, you bastard." The others nodded in agreement.

"**I most assuredly shit you not, wiseass**," YED frowned in concentration, and Dean cried out as his skull was once more painfully rammed into the floral wallpaper.

Sam struggled to summon his powers, to get the YED to cough some of that black demon smoke out of his body. But it felt as if something was… _scrambling_ his brain, erecting a barrier between his brain and his powers, making it impossible to concentrate.

Azazel seemed to sense Sam's train of thought and turned his contemplative gaze upon his failed protégé. "**Can't have you Hulking out and blasting me back to hell, now, can I Sammy,"** Yellow Eyes chuckled, face darkening. "**You were one of my best. But those strong powers of yours won't work against your maker, I'm sorry to say. **_**My**_** profane blood runs through your veins. That part, at least, I maintain control over. So please, don't try anything stupid. Or I **_**will**_** have to kill you and all of your pals here. Not necessarily in that order."**

Sam struggled even harder, ignoring the searching looks from the rest of the occupants in the room at this startling revelation. Looks like Sam is not the only Winchester son with some explaining to do… Sam avoided John's gaze. If his father had questions, he would just have to take a number and get in line. Sam, frustrated, ceased his struggles and just stared the YED square in the face. Where the _hell_ was Ruby?

"If you're gonna kill us," Jo added flippantly, squirming to get loose from where the demon had her against the wall, "Please make sure that you do it _before_ we have to finish that fanfiction over there!" Her gaze slid unwontedly to the purple journal on the coffee table. Azazel, unable to resist, took a brief glance in the direction of the fanfiction, too.

"**That's odd,**" Yellow Eyes commented, tilting his head to the side. "**I have a feeling that this—fanfiction, you called it?—is the reason that I'm here." **He stepped towards the coffee table, gazing down at 'teh riz of the huntress.'

John was genuinely bemused at this piece of information. "You mean that this diary somehow has the ability to summon people? Or, well, _things?_" He corrected himself, eyeing the Yellow Eyed Demon cautiously.

"**Why else would I be here?**" The YED questioned. "**I was powerful, but not **_**that**_** powerful. Even **_**I**_** can't summon myself to higher ground.**"

"It makes sense, though," Bobby intoned gruffly in a low tone, straining his head to turn towards the rest of them. "John, you don't remember how you got here, either, and _you're_ supposed to be dead, too!"

"**So what exactly is this fanfiction about, anyway?**" Azazel asked, eyeing each of the people in the room in turn. Everyone kept quiet. Azazel sighed impatiently. "**Look, if I release you from my hold, will you tell me about that purple fuzzy thing? Is that enough of a gesture of trust or am I going to have to co-write a 'Whoops, My Bad' ballad with Christian Bale and Chris Brown?**" (**A/N:** In case you didn't get either celebrity reference, Google "Bale Out" or "Chris Brown assault investigation" to understand)

"For starters," Dean grumbled, wishing it was just him, the Yellow-Eyed Demon, and an empty room. "_Then we'll see who hurts who…_" Dean muttered to himself with a wicked grin, imagining the scene in his mind.

"**Okay, fine,**" Azazel sighed, already bored. With all the grace of a pile of bricks, everyone crashed to the floor in a jumble of limbs.

Wasting no time, Sam quickly lunged across the floor, somersaulted with surprising agility, and snatched the Colt from its place behind the sofa. He held the antique revolver aloft, zeroing in right between the YED's eyes.

Slowly, deliberately releasing the hammer, Sam growled, "You try anything at all, you son of a _bitch_, and I'll splatter paint this motel room with your grey matter. It might not kill you, but I'm curious to see how you'll get out of hell a _second_ time." The shaggy-haired Winchester sat down rigidly across from Azazel on the sofa, leaving the demon staring down the barrel of the gun. He shot the demon a look so full of malice even Yellow Eyes looked a little worried. The look said, _You move, I blow you sky-friggin'-high._

Azazel, pleased by Sam's show of _cojones_, decided against snapping his neck, and allowed the little pea shooter to remain trained on his forehead, even if it only meant Sam was a little less problematic.

"Looks like we're all in the same boat, Freaky Eyes," Jo crossed her arms, staring the demonic bastard down. "Only this time, if you rock the boat too much, you'll drown. And I think you know that none of us will save you. Just warning you ahead of time."

Azazel nodded solemnly, then grabbed a stool from the hallway and dragged it into the living room. "**Tell me everything. I want to know the situation with this… book thing.**"

And, just like that, Azazel, the demonic sonofabitch from hell who had killed Mary Winchester and torn apart a family, dripped demon blood into the mouths of dozens of innocent children, and attempted to amass a demonic army to invoke judgment day, was suddenly on their side because of some damn purple fuzzy fanfiction diary belonging to deansmyhunkyxo19. Pretty damn convenient, wouldn't you say?

The occupants of Room 12 quickly and efficiently gave the YED the dirt on 'Rise of the Huntress,' sparing no details when it came to the particularly gruesome parts in the plot. Dean, especially, seemed eager to share anything that would seem to make Azazel uncomfortable in any way.

…Which is why he took so much pleasure in informing the newest addition to the group about the rules of the game.

"...so you see, Azazel, buddy, pal, _friend_," Dean uttered darkly, no hint of friendliness on his face. "It's _your_ turn to read from the book of the dead." John leaned forward and tossed the book to the wide-eyed demon, who caught it gingerly.

"**And… if I say no?**" Azazel questioned, for the hell of it.

"Bang," Sam mimed blowing the demon's brains out. Looks like our little sidekick geekboy (or should we say, Samsel in distress?) has finally stepped up to the plate…

"**Ah. You **_**do**_** know I could kill all of you, right here, right now, don't you? Even with that BB gun of yours, Sam,**" The YED emphasized, amused.

The rest of the room nodded, unimpressed.

"**But… I won't," **Yellow Eyes continued, **"Because, honestly, I'm curious now. I want to know why I was extracted from hell.**"

"The only way to know for sure…" Bobby prodded, "Is to read the damn book!"

The YED reached into the breast pocket of the flannel shirt his host was wearing and pulled out a pair of reading glasses. "**Now, let's see… Where are we here…**"

The demon cracked open the pages of the violet monstrosity and the words began to write themselves across the page. Azazel cleared his throat and opened his mouth. Everyone in the room braced for impact.

_Oh yeahhhhhh boi that's rite deansmyhunkxo19 is sooo bringin sexy bake! Wooo! New chap. We're relaly gettin' into it nows cuz the plot is getting deeper n dakrer. _

Raisin the Huntress biatches_:_

_Capter 8!!!!_

**"Wow,"** Yellow Eyes raised his eyebrows, then furrowed them as he skimmed through what he had just read. **"This is just… well, this doesn't even **_**attempt**_** to imitate English, does it?"**

"Yeah, we established that about six chapters ago," Sam snorted, cowering behind his lucky pillow at the end of the sofa. "You get used to the way deansmyhunkyxo19 writes after a while, unfortunately." He kneaded his pillow, knuckles white as he stared apprehensively at the fanfiction's jacket cover.

"Hurry up and start reading!" Jo urged hoarsely, on the edge of her seat. "I know it's only been about half an hour since we read the last chapter, but it feels like five months!"

"**No need to get uppity, blondie,"** YED cast Jo a dark look. Jo could practically hear the flesh sizzling off her face with the intensity of his glare. **"Good things come in time. I mean, look at Sammy, right? Waited a long time for that one, and look at how he's turned out."**

"Read the story before I ventilate your brain pan," Sam gutturally snarled, waving the Colt in the YED's face.

_So teh last tiem we was at teh physic twinz mansions and booby tried 2 rapes n' then kill ROxi! I no sad rite? And then deany Beany kicked that nasty pervy mofo's ass and tied his sorry butt up. So now we gonna go to the interrogatin seen, in teh dungeon next 2 dean & Roxxie's bedroom that they us 4 sex play. But now it used 4 toturing_ Boby. YAY torture is fun!_

"Oh, God," Jo said, already looking a little green. "If deansmyhunkyxo19 describes any torture-slash-sex scenes I think I'm gonna owblay my unkschay."

"Jo, I never saw you as someone with a weak stomach," Sam remarked in surprise.

"Oh, no, it's not the actual description of torture that would get to me," Jo tossed her hair in scorn. "It's the fact that we're reading _another_ chapter of this itshay."

"What's with the pig latin?" Bobby queried, bushy brow raised.

Jo shrugged. "Keeps my mind off the issue at hand."

_so booby the perv huntra was there and tied up to a chiar. Dean is currently beeting the crap out of him. _

_"whatdooyouu want from meh!" roxxi screamed gutterally (__**A/n: **__Has any1 seen Teh Dark Kight? Batman is sooooo hawt Christchin Bale is SEX in Batman costume I just wanna rip it off his body. This is like the interrogatin scene in TDK only massively awesome because I WRTOE IT. just thought I'd say that lol random I now jk lol!) at perv!booby as dean threw a nother puch. SNAP goes bobbie's nose. Blood was__** like everyware.**_

_They were in cold, dark room, wit only one lite. Booby was in center of the room, bond, gag in moth. Spammich (who was not unconsious any more), cinty, and minty were in the corner of teh interrogasion room, alternateing between hot sexy wet kisses between the 3 and watchnig deany beany and roxxie beat teh craps out of booby's face. finally, the Sandwich was gettin' sum female action!!_

Sam, at this point, was past defending his sex life. Sleeping with a demon seems to have that effect on people, strangely enough.

Speaking of demons, where was Sam's demonic sex-buddy now? Was Ruby even _going_ to show up? Sam itched to call her again, but decided against it for the moment. He settled instead for burrowing deeper into his selected corner of the sofa, gripping the poor throw pillow hard enough that the fibers were beginning to fray.

_"whatdooyouu want from me!" roxxie repeated, shoting in bobbie's face as Dean cracked his large, sexy, man nuckles and popped bobbi one in the fat natsy jaw._

_"babe, he ain't talking, Yo." Dean explains in a soothin voices, calmly wipin teh blood off his knucky wuckys. _

Dean let out a low, painful groan that sounded like a combination of a dying giraffe and a bellowing ox.

"Why?" He whined, dropping his face into his hands and rubbing them across his bloodshot eyes. "Why must she describe my knuckles as 'knucky-wuckys'?" He cradled said knuckles, eying them as if he expected deansmyhunkyxo19's words to magically transform them into something glittery and hideous.

Bobby leaned across the table and gave Dean a gentle pat on the back for support.

Sam, on the other hand, was laughing so hard that no sound was coming out of his mouth. "Nuh-knuck—!" He couldn't even finish the deansmyhunkyxo19-invented word without bursting out into riotous laughter.

Even the Yellow Eyed Demon quirked a semblance of a smile.

Passing a hand over his face to erase his expression of mirth, Sam noticed that the rest of the room was staring at him. He shrugged. "What?" He turned to his brother and cracked a toothy grin.

Dean saw this and smacked Sam in the back of the head. Hard. Sam let out a very uncouth slew of curses and gradually fell silent, rubbing the back of his skull.

The YED started to roll his eyes upward as if asking the heavens for patience, then thought better of this irony; instead he turned to page of the fanfiction and continued to read.

_"Do you has ;better suggestin, baby boo face?" Roxxie addreses her darling sex machine dean. "cuz I'm sorta running out now. I am only so smart. I __**want answers!**__ Teh Booby just WONT TALK DAMMIT!" She pouted, tossing her gold and silver low-lighted, silvery black and blond high-lighted stick-straight microbraided curls around her skiny (but NOT ANORAXICK!! roxy is 2 cool 4 dat. She into bolemia, which is wat all the celebs do. So much coolar than anoryuckia.) slender shouldurs._

"Great," John grimaced, passing a hand over his weary face. "So now deansmyhunkyxo19 not only promotes blatant stupidity and disregard for common rules the English language—"

"—and a little something called 'spellcheck'—" Jo added derisively—

"—but now she condones bulimia. That's just all kinds of messed up." Dean finished for his father, shaking his head almost in sadness.

_"Calm down my dahling, shnookums," Deany beany used his fave new nickname for his sexy hawt were-vamp lover. "I has a plan! I gonna to take this bag, here, U C, and put over teh rapist's face. Like so, watch and learned, toots." _

_Then Dean placed teh black balg that he wuz holdin his in hands and put over booby's head. _

_"O, okay, I am follow so far," roxxi notted. "Bag over face. Got ya."_

_"so thens I take dis buckle rite here," dean held up a buckle full of water—_

Azazel paused, brow scrunched, as he silently re-read that certain passage. His mouth formed the word "buckle?" as if trying to understand the reasoning behind deansmyhunkyxo19's particular word choice.

"I think she means 'bucket,' am I right?" Sam explained to the confused YED in a bored tone.

The Yellow-Eyed Demon heaved a dramatic sigh. "**I don't know anymore. I don't know what to think. I thought that I was the most badass mother this side of perdition and now… well,"** He eyed the purple fuzzy diary in his grip with something akin to reverence. "**I'm beginning to question my line of work."**

"Whoa, now," Dean held up his hands and stared wide-eyed at the demon standing at the head of the coffee table. "You choose _now_ to decide to have a mid-life crisis? You couldn't have had this issue crop up, say, 25 years ago? _Before_ you tried to take over the world with your half-assed demonic army?"

"I mean, let's face it," Sam reminded Azazel pointedly. "You aren't exactly built for charity work."

Azazel opened his mouth to angrily retort, thought about what Sam had just said, and found that the younger Winchester was, in fact, correct. For lack of anything to say, the demon tossed Sam a luminescent glower that clearly read: "shut up."

The Yellow Eyed Demon, speechless?

What was this world coming to?

_"so thens I take dis buckle rite here," dean held up a buckle full of water—_

_–"and then I DROWN THAT MOFO!" Dean dump full buckle of h2h over bobbi's perv raepist head. Booby gagled and gargled and scream underneath baggie. _

"Are you _kidding _me?" Ellen's jaw was practically in her lap. "_Waterboarding?_"

"I'm surprised that she even knows what that is," Jo marveled, tossing the purple fanfiction a suspicious look.

"Psh," Sam huffed, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes in utter disdain. "She thinks that describing torture will make her story more hardcore or something?"

John raised a dusky eyebrow and muttered snidely, "The only torture in this story is _us_ having to listen to this _crap _being read to us by a _demon_, of all things!"

"**Hey, don't take your anger out on **_**me,**_" Azazel looked affronted. "**Your prejudice against demons is most disheartening."**

"Oh, _yeah_," Dean leaned forward from his seat on the couch, widening his snapping eyes and getting in the Yellow Eyed Demon's face. His lip curled and brows furrowed in that classic expression he got when he was about to lay it into someone.

Sarcasm dripped from his lips like honey as he continued, "Yeah, it must have slipped my mind… because y'know, demons are such gosh-darn _friendly_ and _God-fearing_ folk. I seem to have _forgotten_ how many times I've met up with a demon, chatted a bit about Justin Timberlake, then sat down and braided each other's hair and talked about our feelings!"

Jo allowed a giggle to escape her lips before Ellen slapped a hand over her daughter's mouth. The look that the Yellow Eyed Demon shot the young Harvelle was so dark and raw with unbridled malevolence and vast nothingness that it made her heart stutter and wither in fear. Yellow Eyes was not someone to mock, lightly _or_ seriously, and that realization made Jo worry just how far Dean could push his buttons before something snapped. Like his smartass neck, for instance.

"Your kind aren't exactly what we'd call honest folk," Bobby stressed in a deceptively placating tone as he eyed the Yellow Eyed Demon's reaction to Dean's wisecrack.

"'**My kind?'**" Azazel murmured, and the room went still as a tomb as they waited for the axe to drop. "**'My **_**kind**_**?'**" A low chuckle dredged itself from the depths of his chest as the demon kept his voice seemingly light and casual. "**Sammy boy didn't seem to have a problem with 'my kind' when he slept with one, did he?**" The YED swiveled his host's head to alight his gaze upon the startled younger Winchester, who was completely silent.

"Wh-what?" John whispered, having trouble digesting this last chunk of information. "W-_what?_"

The demon's eyes narrowed with wicked amusement as he watched John's expression darken with anger.

"Shut up," Sam murmured, barely audible, but there was an undertone of malice and warning beneath his words. If the Yellow-Eyed Demon heard it, he didn't acknowledge it.

"**Tell him, Samuel,"** Azazel purred, a dangerous smile dancing across his curved lips. "**Tell him how you screwed the demon bitch.**"

Dean stiffened, anger coursing through his veins on behalf of his younger brother and, by default, Ruby. It didn't matter that Sam was slutting around with the body-swapping demon, whose motives Dean had not yet sussed out. It came down to this: insult Dean Winchester's baby bro and get your ass handed to you in twenty pieces. That's just how things went down in Deantown. His fingers tightened themselves into fists.

Meanwhile the Yellow Eyed Demon blinked slowly and cocked a half-grin at Dean's enraged expression.

"Shut up," Sam hissed again, more assertively this time, through clenched teeth. His finger hovered over the trigger of the antique Colt revolver but his eyes were cast down.

"**Tell your father, daddy dearest, John Winchester that you slept with a **_**filthy,**__**demon**_** WHORE,**" Azazel's luminescent eyes never left Sam's face as he spoke, his words echoing through Sam's ears. He gloried in his revenge. Hell, he loved his job.

Sam was shaking with rage, but his aim was true. With an angry retort that reverberated throughout the room, the Colt spewed a rapid fire of not one, not two, but three consecrated bullets from its chamber. Azazel never had a chance.

"Sam, **NO**!!!" Dean didn't know why he shouted it, but it didn't matter. It was too late now.

Two bullets hit his chest and torso, punching holes through his chest cavity in a splatter of red mist. The third hit the demon's skull dead center, and the force of the shot at such close range whiplashed Azazel's head back with a sickening crack of spinal vertebrae. The demon's host body crackled with supernatural energy and the demon's yellow eyes flickered and faded to the host's natural blue.

Suddenly, the bullet wound flared a bright, sickening lavender color… the same color as the purple fuzzy fanfiction in Azazel's hands. The wound slowly shrank in size, and the bullet which Sam had fired pushed out of the demon's skull and fell into his lap. With a smaller flare of purple light, the wound closed up as if it were never there.

If there was such a thing as negative sound, Room 12 had it. Nobody moved. Nobody spoke. Nobody dared _breathe._

"**Ouch,**" Azazel groaned, having recovered from being shot in the head pretty damn quickly. He threw Sam a dark look, or at least tried. It seemed that such exertion caused the demon slight pain, as he clutched his head where the bullet had pierced the skull. He shook his head and his eyes flashed back to their yellow luminescence. "**You mind giving me a heads up next time you decide to play shotgun piñata with my skull, yeah?"**

Sam gaped. "H-how?" The Colt slipped from his grasp and fell to the dusty motel carpet with a thud. Useless.

His question was wordlessly answered as the fanfiction on the ground decided to emit a soft lavender glow, the air around it filling with the putrid, unsettling color. The air in the room crackled with electricity… or magic?

"I think that the diary did it…" Jo whispered through her fingers, eyes the size of turntables.

"**If Sam is over his little temper tantrum,**" the Yellow Eyed Demon sighed, leaning down for the still-glowing fanfiction of evil, "**I'd like to see how the rest of ****Raisin the Huntress biatches**_**:**_ **goes.**"

The demon received no answer. Realizing that the res of the room was still shell-shocked, he huffed in impatience and opened the fanfiction to the correct page. Readjusting his spectacles, which had been jerked askew with the force of the gunshot.

Azazel cleared his throat, and the noise made the rest of the room assume fixed positions as they steadied themselves for deansmyhunkyxo19's mutant of a story.

"_so thens I take dis buckle rite here," dean held up a buckle full of water—_

_–"and then I DROWN THAT MOFO!" Dean dump full buckle of h2h over bobbi's perv raepist head. Booby gagled and gargled and scream. _

"_oh hahahah hahahaha hahahaha OMG I TOTES GET IT!!!!1112 Its like drowning without like drownin" Roxxie murmured loutly, as bobby sobbed, drownding but not really. "you is totes a super genious, you older, hawtter Winchester, you. You have, like 100 IQ poits or something. That's like Double the normal amot. Baby I loves you, Deany beany."_

"_urg baby I love u so much I heart heart heart you. You complete me," Dean murmured, black eyes glittering like goldin orbs of lite."you compelt me in a way that is so complete that I am compeltly in love with uuuuuu! Like, completely, babe."_

Dean was attempting to control his gag reflex as soon as he heard the words, 'you complete me.' Three words a guy hopes never to hear, nor utter, in his lifetime.

Looks like Dean Winchester has commitment issues.

The older Winchester was so disturbed by his fiction counterpart's choice of words that he didn't even bother correcting the fact that he did not, as deansmyhunkyxo19 insisted, have "_goldin orbs_" for eyes.

_And roxxi jumping into Deany bean;'s luvving arms and they kissed on teh lips. They tongues melted 2gether as 1 and it was so sexy HAWT was sooooooooooo sooooooooooooooooo sexy hawt and hackin sweet that SAMMich cried big fat baby tears at the bee-yootiful ness of his older bro's kiss. Even cinty and minty were touched by this show of tonguely love._

"Tongely love, eh?" Sam smirked, eyebrows raised high on his already high forehead. "Seems to be a lot of that going around."

"You know what else might go around?" Dean growled, sinking further into his sofa seat. "Your oversized head!" He punched Sam in the arm.

_Even booby shet a tear at they sexy hawt sweet kiss of roxy&deany boo boo face. _

_O maybe he crying b/c he is being tortuerd._

_"Nmmmm that was hacking sweet!" dan yelled happily. His golden bronzed sexy toned man muscley arms were wrapped around roxxi's thin as a pin waist. "it was just like I felt a connextion.! But not like just our tongs, like w/everything!"_

_"OMG RLY! ME 2" roxy smild. "our tongs fit PERFECTly 2getha like they were tong mates!"_

_"OMG I HAS AN EPIPHANINNY!" deen jumped up and down in excitements. "our tongs are tong mates! That must mean our soulz R 2!"_

"Wow. Great deduction there, Roxxy," Ellen rolled her eyes. "Obviously, touching tongues is like touching souls."

"**Obviously,**" the Yellow Eyed Demon snorted derisively.

_"OMG we is soul m8! It all make sense" roxxie stareed to cry beautifuy lady tears. Maxscara steaked down her ivory white smooth pale craemy skins and she never looks more beeyootiful to dan, who want to sex her rite now. Horny doggy, deany beany is._

"Uh, yeah. Pretty much," Dean nodded proudly.

_"OMG WE IS sole M8's!" Dean says, pretty blue eyes fills with tears 2. _("Green! **GREEN** eyes!" Dean shouted to the ceiling in a wounded lament). _They hug and make out sum mor, almost getting to third base but dean only gets 2 second. But roxxis toatally natural springy double FF cup boobs are so awesum it's like it was third base, so dan was happy._

"_Natural_ double FFs?" Dean looked like he was in heaven.

Jo smacked him in the back of the head and jerked him back to reality.

_"HELLLOOOOOOOOOO??? DUH I AM A TORTUED PERSON OVER HUR. I NEEDS ATTN!!! MKAY thanks!" Booby called from tied up chair. He still had the black bag over his ugly face, so it was okay that the world didn t have too look upon it._

Bobby didn't know whether to look insulted that deansmyhunkyxo19 thought his face to be ugly, or relieved that he was left unmolested by any of her Mary Sues.

_"u rady to talk, wipe ass?" dean roard, now that he was done the kissing of the roxxy's sugar lips. "Or does teh Deany need to smack a bitch?"_

_"belive me," sammich whimperd from his corner w/sindy and minty. "u donna wonna get a beech slap from Dean."_

_"I no listens to you fockers!" teh evil hairy man dictated from his char tied up. "u all gonna die! Death to infidels! __**DIE UGLY WEREVAMP BITCH DIE! ALLLAAAAHHHHHH!!!**__"_

"Okay, that is so racist that it's not even funny," Jo shook her head in shame. "Making such references to the Middle Eastern culture is not only racist and bigoted, but just plain ignorant. Not every terrorist is Muslim, you know, deansmyhunkyxo19. You should learn some tolerance." Jo addressed the fuzzy notebook in Azazel's hands with a stern, condescending tone.

"Hey, Jo," Dean said in a stage whisper, "You know, this is just an educated guess, but I don't think that deansmyhunkyxo19 can hear you. Just, you know, something to keep in mind for the future." He shrugged and winked.

Jo scowled.

_Roxxy frownded at this rascist remark. Booby was such a racist towards werevamps it wasn't even funny. Stooped terrorist. Dean saw this racism to his girl & went off like teh shit of ape._

_"Yo g! Y' aint gonna rap to my ho like dat homie!__**" **__Dean was freakin pissing off._

___Cinty & mindy were also outrage evil bobby and his evilness. They decided to speak._

"_He be talkin' wack. Be he on crack?" Cindey fuméd to her physic sis, crossing her arms ofer her faek (double AAA) boobies._

"_I doth no not my twinny twin twin, but he hath numerous hares on his chinny chin chin," Minday replyed, tossing her jet black haris all over the place in angre. "Ergo, he is a nasty raepist, agreed?"_

"_Agreed, my sister. Now let's smoke sum weed," Cindy nodedd. They pull out peace pipe and a superbong an smoked some with teh sammich, who immediately passed out from over-exershion and highness of cannabis._

"Well, that explains a lot," John muttered, crossing his arms. "Deansmyhunkyxo19 obviously wrote this piece of manure while high."

"Let's hope that this level of stupidity doesn't come naturally," Bobby groaned.

_Dean whelked over to teh booby and raised his open palm. "U no 1 makes my ROxxi frown! It makes her get worry lines on her 4head!" Dean roared like a crazy leon in the jungle. "__**BEECH! I SLAP YOU! I SLAP U! I SLAP YOU IN TEH FACE! MY SLAPS SO SLAPPY IT SLAP UR **__**MOMMAS**__** FACE OFF!"**__ He shake his hand in front of boobsies face, like a threat. He is berry scarry when angry. But also sexy HAWT._

_"OK OK I will tell u, but u gotta let me free, yo," booby whimped. "Plz, take teh bag off meh face. I will tell u everytinkle u needs 2 know, yo."_

_"Agreed," Roxxie struttled over in her six-inch platfor heels that accentuhated her toned legs and ass._

"_Woah roxxi," Dean growled, turned on by her toned lags and ass. "I am turned on by ur toned legs an ass!"_

_Roxxie gigled, gave a Dean kiss on his face. She and pulls off the black bag from Boobby's face. _

_An booby, cuz he really was a pussy, gave up enemi's secrets 2 the beeyootiful sexy roxxi. _

_"I tells you every1," bobbee wildy screamed in shear panic. "Donut kill me, O powerfull 1!"_

_"Why u try to rapes n then kill the Chosen one?" Cinty and Mindy giggled, still very high from all the weed they be smokin' _

_"U R pure of heart," booby said, lip trembilling. "U R also very powerfull becuz u r hybrid like btween werewolve and vamprie. So dat's y they wanna kill u. U 2 powerfull."_

_"'They?' Who dat?" Roxxy question, battling her pretty long eyelashed witch surrounded her gorgeouse jade blue eyez. _

_"Durrrr, like they werewolve and vampries, of cose." Booby rolls his eyes and laughed a mad giggle at roxxi._

"I have never, _ever_ heard Bobby giggle," Sam gaped in wonderment, eyebrows raised even further. "Really."

"Damn straight," Bobby growled, crossing his arms in defiance.

_Dean pulled out of his waitsband his gas-operated, .41-magnum semi-automatic titanium gold-plated steel-chromed custom-gripped silver-bulleted Desert Eagle bang-bang gun and pistol whupped tat SOB cross his ugly mug. U could see the raepist losing teeth as Deany Beany smacked that mutha 'cross the face and his front tooths were knocked out of his pie hoal. _

_"Hey, phuysics who are stupider and uglyer than roxxie, who is a goddess!" Dean called 2 cindy & mindy, who were disappeared in a cloud of the weed smoke."You got anyfink on ur physic radar 'bout this shit he be talkin?"_

_Soudainemente (__**A/n:**__ tat means SUDDNELY for u non-french speaking one-languige itiots out ther) they herd a cry from teh corner of teh torture chambre. Cindy and Minty were going into conniptions'. i.e. They were spazzing like Dean spazzes whenever someone tryes to maim his fugley black peace of shite car. Which, I dunno, is kinda stooped b/c who would want to jack that fokked up piece of scarp metal?_

Dean lost it. He let out a stream of expletives that would have made South Park proud. "That bitch thinks she can come in here, insult my baby, and get away with it?"

It took the combined efforts of Sam, John, and Jo to restrain the older Winchester brother from attempting to strangle the diary.

"**Stop being rude,**" Yellow Eyes snapped angrily. "**I want to get through this nightmare without interruptions.**"

_Sam was still K'O'd on teh flore. He don't handle excitements well. _

_"Ohmygizzle," Roxxy crooned, pouting her lips in consentration. "Methinks they are having some visionaries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111122221" _

_Then cindy and Mindy stopped shaking and said in uniform, creeepishly creepy creap voice, like creepers, _("OKAY!" Jo groaned. "We get that they are creepy!") _"RoxxannE, daughter-0eth of Foxxanne, Oh leader of resistance and chosen-eth 1. This hath be ur destiny. This be-eth the legit prophecy, for shizzle-eth. Like, for reals-eth. U R most pure-eth of hart, and it is ur hart & ur love that will either save or destroy-eth thine world. Don';t let those nasty-eth werewolves or vampries get their fugly-eth hands on thy hart, cuz if they do, then every1 good will DIE!"_

"Oh, joy. Another prophecy," John snarkily added.

"Goody," Ellen intoned monotonously.

_Roxxie gasps at this alarm news, and buried her face in Dean's strong man-chest (__**A/n:**__ DEAN IS SO SAXXXXY HAWT! Yeayea.)_

_They physics continued the bad prophecy. "BEWARE-eth, o beeyoutifull werevamp of lore. It is the first daye of teh seventh moon-eth. Thou must prepare, for on the seventh day of the seventh moon, the battle for Middle Earth shall be gin. The armies approach on the yellow brick road o Chosen One! Only u can restore balance 2 the Force, kill Voldymort and Galbatorix on a flying dragon, destory the One Ring in More Dore, restore the Crystal skull at World's End, marry Edward Cullen and get 2 Narnia b4 the Titanic sinks, find Waldo before the clock stricks 12, and save Gothem from teh Joker to be the farest of them all in time 4 superbowl Sunday on Friday the 13th."_

"I think that deansmyhunkyxo19 just ripped off every major pop culture icon created within the last 70 years," Dean acknowledged with a low whistle. "The impossible has just become… uh, possible."

Sam's eyebrows were now so far raised on his forehead that they were in danger of being eaten by his hairline.

"_Protect-eth thy heart", the ugly-er than Roxxie physic twins continued, "for ye thou forsooth hath dost willeth thy thine thee treemonkey William shakespear." _

**"Okay. I give up on life. That did not make-eth any sense."** The YED snapped, shutting the journal.

The room went stock-still and everyone turned and stared at Azazel, who hadn't noticed his faux pas-eth. Jo managed to stifle her giggle, barely.

_"Oh. MY. GAWD." Roxxy cried as Cindy and Mindy passied out next to Sammich on the floor. "I need to amast an Army to fight the evil Warewolve and vampires. Quick!" she snapped her fingers and instantly the rest of the mansion, which had been partying and sleeping all nite, woke up._

_Roxxy strode out of teh dungeon, dean following, and they went to the balcony that overlooked the entire 1__st__ flore of the physic twin's mansion. "Listen all of you!" She addressed the witches and warlicks and physics and huntres and misc. other ppls who didn't really matter. "WE have a war in 6 days! We needs 2 prepare. I am the Chosen One! I am the redeemer-eth! I cammand you to help fight to save the world!"_

_The crowd below cheered & cried at the shear beuty of Roxxi's imspiring words. She was even better than Obama, cuz she was just like on FIYAH she could have run 4 presidente._

"Oh God no," Dean looked positively nauseated at the thought. "President Roxxy?"

Sam's stomach churned unpleasantly and he held his hand to his mouth. His face was a sickly green tint. "I think I'm going to be sick!"

"Ugh," Jo shoved Sam's head towards Dean's general direction. "Not on me, you're not."

_"We stay mansion to fight. The mansion is a fortress. We ill hold the line HERE only. Witches, get all ur little witchy friends and bring them back her to cast protection spells over the mansoin grounds," Roxxy commanded. "And u warlocks too. U have 2 dayz. Huntres, I want u to meet with my Deany Beany because he no's his shit and will teach u how to fight & kill vamps and weres. Then u must call every1 u no and get them to come HERE!" Everyone nodded and left. _

_"Damn, girl, u be hawt when u talk like dat," Dean swaggerd ofer to ROxxy and placed a big tonguely kiss on her cherry pink lips._

_"Now, Dean," Roxxi reminded, placing a slim finger on his hawt lips. "befor we get hot and do teh sexy times and before u teach the hunters how ot kill the vamps and weres, u need to help me summon some backup."_

_"Like wat?" Dean was confuzzled. Pore dean! He was hawt and muscular but sometimes he don't have a big brane. _

"Can't argue with that logic," Sam grinned, narrowly avoiding Dean's backhand.

_"Like… angels!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111" Oh snap! Roxxy was going to bring in the angles to back her up! Wat a shock! That is so intense, right? I know, right? rite. _

_So… yeah. Like totally we're done with teh 8__chapter of my EPIC SToriE. Wat will happen next? U have to come nexty time! Okies time for teh REVIEW RESPONSES!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 I either call u winner or not. If I like ur review, u will be a winner._

"Here we go _again_," Dean groaned, clutching his stomach and looking slightly green. "As if all my screen-time with Roxxy the Wonderslut isn't enough…"

_**Samsasexybeotch:**_ _thanks bai u r the best! I no that I made sammeh slightly smarter than he is in the show but I thot it would be better if he was more itelligent than in suber natural. __**U R WINNAR!**_

_**Bookwrom88881111111111I_SUCK:**__ I am not DAMaged. I am perfect. Obvisuly u r not perfect like me and that is y u r a LOSER. Booby IS a perv just look at his nazty raepist beard! An y would I wanna use a thesaurus those aminals are extinct, DUH! U r stooped. __**U R DUMBASS**__!_

_**Mummylurvy: **__booby isn't a really name. his name is BOOBY just look at IMDeB if u dont believe_me. And ur obviously kidding I luv suerpnatural its my fave show besides judge judy and lost. I mean I just watch last weeks episode when dean slept w/ ruby and sam together. Duh. Obviously I no more about it than u__**. UR DUMBAS**__!_

"**That was…**" The Yellow Eyed Demon looked shocked. "**Well, that was just **_**horrible,**_** wasn't it?**" He tossed the fanfiction to the coffee table before him with a jerk and removed his glasses.

"Urgh..." Sam's arms were clenched tightly around his midsection as he tried not to hurl.

"We still have more of the story to read!" Jo whined, glimpsing the rest of the fanfiction lying unread on the table. "The next chapters are going to be hell…"

The rest of the room nodded silently.

**BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!**

Someone knocked on the motel door.

"Okay, seriously, what the hell?!" Dean grumbled angrily as he headed towards the door. "You people in here figure out who is reading what next chapter. I'm getting the door."

Sam looked like he was eager to get the door, but decided against voicing anything.

Instead, he turned to the rest of the room.

"Chapter nine. Who gets the honors?"

**Author's Note:** Thanks so much for your reviews! To channel my inner Roxxie: I hugglez you!!1!!11

_**One:**_ The title of this chapter comes from a quote in _The Dark Knight_, said by the Joker, who was played, of course, by the wonderfully talented Heath Ledger. The full quote (one that wouldn't fit in the title), is as follows:

_Madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little… push._

That line, among others in the fantastic movie, really stuck with me. Do you have any lines of TDK that really struck you as profound? Feel free to share.

_**Two: **_Okay, so I've come to a decision. It's up to you, the readers, to decide the outcome of a particular character's fate. I want the input of the readers, for whom I write to please, to vote in your review to decide the fate of Jo.

Personally, Jo was not one of my favorite characters. In fact, I despised her character until she was gone from the picture. Now, I can tolerate her name being mentioned in a conversation, and I can tolerate her enough to make her a relatively major supporting character in _Supernatural Meets Sue-pernatural._ However, I need to make room in my story for some more, well, prevalent and prominent characters in my story and this is where I need your help.

When you write a review, please vote for one of the two options. A) I keep Jo in the picture, she stays as a character in the story (but she might have less lines and even disappear from the dialogue altogether). Option B) I kill her off. I kind of had something of an idea for how she would go out (and it would be with a bang, I assure you) and I promise that it's probably more interesting than option one, and I would love to incorporate that somehow into the lore of both my fanfic and _deansmyhunkyxo19's_ fanfic.

So vote!

Jo lives.

Jo dies, rather epically.

**Review Responses:**

beautiful dreamere: Alright! You're the best! Thanks for resending that hack, I saved it and then double-saved it so that I won't lose it this time. Expect it to pop up when you least expect it! And by that, I mean the next chapter.

Mummyluvr: Glad that you've returned to my fic! Hope you like this chapter. Thanks!

Bookworm81818: Here's that chapter you've been haranguing me about. Enjoy!

Winchesterphantom: Haha thank you for your kind words! Yeah, I admit that breaking the fourth wall last chapter was very fun for me to write. Hope you like this one, too!

SparkyCSI: This chapter has been a long time coming, sorry for the long wait! Thanks for adding me to alert!

Hazgarn: Yeah, I felt bad about doing that to "Booby," but it had to be done. At least this chapter he makes a full recovery, right?

Lennon Drop: Yeah, school seems to be my excuse for everything these days. :/ Even with breaks I still never have any time.

psiChic: *high fives* Right back atcha!

nyx92: Thanks for finally getting around to reading it! We need to have another reading group with your Mary Sue voice. And sorry about the typos. I'm not very good at re-reading and finding errors, and since this story is my baby I don't really like handing each chapter over to betas to read it through before I unveil it.

raputathebuta: Here you go! Better late than never, right?

North American Scum: So sorry if I insulted Judge Judy, I didn't mean anything by it. I honestly was just fishing around for a random television show name and that was the first one that came to my mind. I actually respect Judge Judy a lot, for some of the reasons you outlined. Peace.

Choas babe: Feel free to skip. I can barely re-read it myself when I skim the chapter again :/


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